Showing I'm capable for Johns Hopkins

Maybe I'm going insane, but I keep editing this essay and I just am not satisfied. I don't know if this is actually a good essay for JHU, which has been my dream school for years! I'm over the word count as well, and don't know what to remove.

Any feedback (specific lines or overall comments) would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

Successful students at Johns Hopkins make the biggest impact by collaborating with others, including peers, mentors, and professors. Talk about a time, in or outside the classroom, when you worked with others and what you learned from the experience. (404/400 words)

essay for JHU

When I received my acceptance to a summer research program at the University of California, Irvine, I was ecstatic. For the first time, I had the opportunity to develop a unique scientific research paper, be exposed to respected labs, and even collaborate with like-minded students from around the world. Initially, it seemed to be a dream come true.

In reality, it was somewhat of a nightmare.

On the first day, each participant was randomly placed into different groups by research topic. Fortunately, I was given the topic I'd hoped for: pediatric cardiology. Our group cooperation, however, was not so ideal. In a collection of competitive students, everyone naturally assumed leadership. Being president of three clubs the year prior, I instinctively did the same. Each of us wholeheartedly believed our approach to be the most accurate. Our sync was practically nonexistent; instead of a group, it was organized chaos.

We struggled to connect with not only one another, but also our undergraduate supervisor. One instance in particular that heightened tension between us was when, while shadowing lab research, two people from our group Snapchatted the experience. It was a harmless act, but the Principal Investigator, one of the most respected neurologists in the field, didn't respond well. Needless to say, his rebuke was equivalent to the pressure of a thousand Gordon Ramsays.

Our supervisor, too, was enraged, and forced us stay two hours at the end of the day to write an apology speech. As we struggled to type more than 100 words without sounding redundant, I wondered what brought us to this humiliating point. The experience was very different -- in fact, much worse-- than I had expected. I couldn't help but feel disappointed, not just in our inability to work together, but also in myself.

The next day, I withdrew from the heated discussion and refrained from aiming to direct the group. Rather than reinforcing my own perspective, I listened to that of others and occasionally offered constructive feedback. Eventually, other group members followed, and we were finally able to communicate effectively.

As I prepare my presentation of our research for a national conference in a few weeks, I feel an odd sense of gratitude for those hectic moments. I was conditioned to believe that being "the leader" was necessary, but I've realized that leadership doesn't always equate to success. It's better to relinquish control and produce great work collectively, rather than fail individually.

Sameen, the usual reason that the applicants overshoot the word requirement is because they always try to go for either a dramatic opening, or they try to impress the reviewer by something that they think is a remarkable accomplishment when the truth is, it isn't. There is nothing special about your being admitted to the summer research program. A hundred other students are accepted into the similar program every summer so that paragraph, is really worthless. Also worthless, is the way that you set up the scenario for the group project. Rather than trying to stretch the dramatic effect. Go for the straight forward approach, which the reviewers prefer for all the essay submissions. In your case, you can revise the opening statement to something similar to this model opening statement:

I spent one summer participating in the (name of summer program) at UC - Irvine. This was my chance to participate in actual lab work and develop a scientific research paper in a formal setting. Since we were divided into teams, the work should have been a snap. On the contrary, it became a lesson in humility and the importance of team work for me. The lesson that I learned from this experience that an effective leader, always checks his ego at the door for the benefit of the team...

On the first day...

If you want to create a dramatic opening, make sure that you do it in a manner that will immediately introduce required, important, or interesting information to the reviewer so that he might be hooked into reading your essay further. In this instance, I spoke of lessons learned early on and important aspects of leadership that I took note of during the experience. That way, when I describe what transpired, the reviewer will remember to connect it with my opening statement. Thus creating a memorable presentation and effective presentation. You may use the model opening statement above to create your own variation of it. Please do not use my model response as is because if your paper is checked for plagiarism, it might get flagged as not being your original thought since the check may come back to this thread on this forum and the reviewer will see that someone else wrote it for you.