Grammatical corrections and word choice correction would be much appreciated! Please and Thank You!
Topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The leaves crunched under the car as the scent of fall permeated throughout the September air. I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car. First day of Junior High, exhilaration electrified through my veins. Little did I realize, that on that day, I had made one of the biggest decisions of my life. I walked in the orientation room, cold goose bumps shuddered across my skin as I felt hundreds of eyes fall on me.
I come from a predominantly white community. Born and raised in America by my parents, who have emigrated from Bangladesh, I knew my life was very different from all my peers. I was one of only two Muslims in school. However, I had grown to accept that I was a little different. Though, six years ago, I came across an unexpected obstacle that had drastically impacted my life.
That morning, I pulled the scarf over my head and looked in the mirror with a smile beaming across my face. I was excited to see my friends and tell them about how I have decided to start the hijab. It was a new change for me; a big step in spirituality. Being able to shine through Islam with my hijab made me so happy. Until the day I stepped through the doors and saw everyone giving me confused glares. I didn't understand, I felt so lost. At that instant, I was overwhelmed with alienation, feeling entirely out of place.
I never thought it would it would end up like it did. I was surrounded by threats; kids would constantly warn me that one day they will just have to rip the hijab off my off my head. I always played it off as a joke until the day they actually followed through with it. Kids would make statements about how wearing the hijab made me unattractive. A few adults had even told me that the hijab would hold me back, prevent me from reaching my fullest potential, and that I'll miss out on so many great opportunities because of it. But the confrontation that hurt the most, was when my best friends had explained to me that I am no longer welcome to be friends with them until I stopped wearing my headscarf. I didn't know what to think, whether what I believe is right or what society thinks is right. I have always been able to get along with people so well, but this time it was different. It was a big change for me as it was for them.
Day by day, I got stronger. Although it was tough, I stuck it out. I was finally able to grow on people through my personality and behavior. Six years later, I look back and I am so glad that I never gave up. The idea of being the only hijabi in the entire school district doesn't faze me anymore. I have earned the respect of my peers. As for the adults who worried about the great life I would miss out on, well, I can honestly say that my high school career could have not been any more successful.
Great word choice ... You give a lot of imagery. I like that.
"Though, six years ago, I came across an unexpected obstacle that had drastically impacted my life." Instead, go with "Until, six years ..."
"At that instant, I was overwhelmed with alienation, feeling entirely out of place." Instead, "I was instantly overwhelmed ..."
"I never thought it would it would end up like it did. I was surrounded by threats; kids would constantly warn me that one day they will just have to rip the hijab off my off my head." Instead, "I never thought my situation would end up the way it did. I was surrounded by threats; kids would constantly harass me, telling me that they would rip the hijab off my off my head one day."
"A few adults had even told me that the hijab would hold me back, prevent me from reaching my fullest potential, and that I'll miss out on so many great opportunities because of it. But the confrontation that hurt the most, was when my best friends had explained to me that I am no longer welcome to be friends with them until I stopped wearing my headscarf. I didn't know what to think, whether what I believe is right or what society thinks is right. I have always been able to get along with people so well, but this time it was different. It was a big change for me as it was for them."
Maybe ... "Even some adults would say that the hijab would hold me back, prevent me from reaching my fullest potential; that I would miss out on so many great opportunities. But the confrontation that hurt the most was when my "best friends" told me that I was no longer welcome to be friends with them until I stopped wearing my "headscarf". I was confused; I didn't know if what I believed was right or what society thought was right.
Make it a separate "paragraph" even though it is two sentences ï "I have always been able to get along with people, but this time it was different. It was a big change for me as it was for them."
I thought it was good ... Good luck!
elizd04671
Correction on my own comment, sorry ... Instead, "I never thought my situation would end up the way it did. I was surrounded by threats; kids would constantly harass me, telling me that they would rip the hijab off my off my head one day."
