Please help me critique this essay :( Any comment will help. Thank you so so much. Happy Thanksgiving by the way! :)
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Born and raised in Vietnam, my life was bound with simplicity. I remember every little things from the placid river near my grandma's chicken pen, the vintage motorbike that grandpa always treasures to the flying kites that carry every kid's hopes and dreams. Life was simple, yet my aspiration of a better house without leaks for my grandparents, of a three-course meal everyday for my family, of a stable education for both my brother and me was burning in my heart. On July 19th, 2009, my dream was finally fulfilled.
Struggles always accompany new opportunities. With barely any understanding of English, I walked into a classroom full of English-speaking high school students. Even when I was put in an English Language Development class, I couldn't catch up with the fast-paced courses in school. As a result, I simply was on the verge of failing. I wish I could confront such an internal disappointment or convey how painful it was to feel like an absolute failure. To make matter worse, everyday I came home feeling heavy and useless. Since my parents were struggling to compromise with the monthly bills and financial problems, my uncles were thus obliged to give us money. The last thing I wanted to do was to be someone else's burden. Nevertheless, my thirteen-year-old self suddenly seemed too small and powerless in the new world to help change the situation. For a moment, my dream of a better future for my family and myself seemed to collapse.
However, the more I observed, the more I aspired to change. Witnessing my parents' struggles inspired me to reevaluate my purpose and goals for success in this new country. I was fortunately given a one-in-a-lifetime chance to be educated in this developed country, so that my family's future would not be buried in poverty and that my parents' sacrifices would compensate. I could not give up.
Consequently, I let go of my apprehension of failure that was preventing me from thriving and maturing, and plunged into schoolwork in order to validate my family's journey through academic success. Perseverance and curiosity kept me inspired as I encountered challenging and intriguing issues in classes. The effort I put in schoolwork was soon paid off as I became one of the twenty-four participants to attend the Stanford Medical Youth Science Program. Not only did I meet and learn from many intellectual professors on the university campus, but I also had a chance to work on a research project that allowed me to address health disparity in the minority population. Standing on the stage the day of presentation, I felt accomplished to thoroughly discourse the information about Human Papilomavirus and its prevention to the audience. I was capable of helping minority families, like my own, to be more aware of their health risks and the possible prevention. This experience enriched my knowledge and gave me an opportunity to once again believe in my own ability to overcome adversities and to improve my family's life conditions.
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Born and raised in Vietnam, my life was bound with simplicity. I remember every little things from the placid river near my grandma's chicken pen, the vintage motorbike that grandpa always treasures to the flying kites that carry every kid's hopes and dreams. Life was simple, yet my aspiration of a better house without leaks for my grandparents, of a three-course meal everyday for my family, of a stable education for both my brother and me was burning in my heart. On July 19th, 2009, my dream was finally fulfilled.
Struggles always accompany new opportunities. With barely any understanding of English, I walked into a classroom full of English-speaking high school students. Even when I was put in an English Language Development class, I couldn't catch up with the fast-paced courses in school. As a result, I simply was on the verge of failing. I wish I could confront such an internal disappointment or convey how painful it was to feel like an absolute failure. To make matter worse, everyday I came home feeling heavy and useless. Since my parents were struggling to compromise with the monthly bills and financial problems, my uncles were thus obliged to give us money. The last thing I wanted to do was to be someone else's burden. Nevertheless, my thirteen-year-old self suddenly seemed too small and powerless in the new world to help change the situation. For a moment, my dream of a better future for my family and myself seemed to collapse.
However, the more I observed, the more I aspired to change. Witnessing my parents' struggles inspired me to reevaluate my purpose and goals for success in this new country. I was fortunately given a one-in-a-lifetime chance to be educated in this developed country, so that my family's future would not be buried in poverty and that my parents' sacrifices would compensate. I could not give up.
Consequently, I let go of my apprehension of failure that was preventing me from thriving and maturing, and plunged into schoolwork in order to validate my family's journey through academic success. Perseverance and curiosity kept me inspired as I encountered challenging and intriguing issues in classes. The effort I put in schoolwork was soon paid off as I became one of the twenty-four participants to attend the Stanford Medical Youth Science Program. Not only did I meet and learn from many intellectual professors on the university campus, but I also had a chance to work on a research project that allowed me to address health disparity in the minority population. Standing on the stage the day of presentation, I felt accomplished to thoroughly discourse the information about Human Papilomavirus and its prevention to the audience. I was capable of helping minority families, like my own, to be more aware of their health risks and the possible prevention. This experience enriched my knowledge and gave me an opportunity to once again believe in my own ability to overcome adversities and to improve my family's life conditions.