"My singaporian friend" - University of Michigan. Need to make changes

Marionna Bennett
06/20/1992
Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

I remember when my good friend, Devin Starks, arrived my 9th grade year of high school. He is singaporian. The first thing that came to my mind was "WOW what is he doing here in a school filled with African Americans." He was very smart. At first I didn't socialize with him much, but then I started sitting at the table he usually ate lunch at. We started to talk more and he would tell me about the different things they did in Singapore before he moved to Ohio. It was nice to learn about someone else's culture because I had never met anyone that didn't have the same culture as me. It was very nice and refreshing to be able to explore how someone else lived and learned. I found it nice to know that there were other cultures out there besides mine because I had never really thought I would meet anyone like Devin. Since that year, my school has become more diverse. There are people from India, England, and many other places. I have a new found respect for people with cultural differences because they are people just like me but they just have different beliefs of certain things.

haha you are seven days older than I am!

I remember when my good friend, Devin Starks, arrived during 9th grade. He is Singaporean. The first thing that came to my mind was, "WOW what is he doing here in a school filled with African-Americans?"

... he would tell me about the different things they did ...
... because I have never met anyone that did not have the same culture as I.

... but they just have different beliefs of certain things.

Do not use things, that is a no-no word. Instead of saying things, try to explain it.
Y

I think the whole essay reads too informally. I wouldn't capitalize "Wow" and would expand on short sentences (or do away with completely) like "He was very smart."

The sentence structures in the middle also need to be varied a bit more. They all begin with "It was nice," "It was very nice," and "I found it nice."

Your topic of diversity is a good one, as is your personal example. I would rewrite it, though, trying to make the message a bit more clear. When you're writing, just keep in mind your purpose. I hadn't experienced diversity. Devin came. I was fascinated by his differing beliefs. Now I appreciate diversity. Don't mention unnecessary points (like how your school has become more diverse, unless of course you mention that you like it better now).

Thanks a lot1 ;)