Any feedback and comments are much appreciated! I wasn't quite sure what to write about, do you think this will be okay? Also, I'm 136 characters over the 2000 character limit, so I'm looking to cut down a little. Thanks:)
Stanford's second supplement: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.
I absolutely love to sing. This has never been a huge conflict in the past, but then again, I've never lived with non-family members for extended periods of time. Even at school though, where not many are able to escape the reaches of my vocal chords, nobody has ever forcibly stopped me. [..]
Let's see whether I could be of any help for saving you from dying :D;
Well, you are writing to your roommate, right? Wouldn't you at least say hello to him?.... Otherwise it sounds as if you are ignoring this person's existance :)
This essay is funny, heartfelt, and cohesive. I feel like I really heard your voice. I don't have any suggestions for changing the content. I think that you effectively convey what you're trying to say, and the subject is personal and interesting. All of my edits are nit-picky things.
I absolutely love to sing. This has never been a huge conflict in the past, but then again, I've never lived with non-family members for extended periods of time. Even at school though , where not many are able to escape the reaches of my vocal chords, nobody has ever forcibly stopped me. In elementary school, I'd hum various songs while I worked, often not even realizing it. When I walked home I'd make up odd songs in my head,the next clause is not independent. Therefore, there should not be a comma here and sing them repeatedly until I could get them down on paper. In the last few years, with my family going every which wayI don't understand what you mean here. Are your family members going off to college? If that's the case, then you should explicitly say so. , I've had a lot of opportunities to utilize my house's acoustics. My voice's training level stagnated at about my elementary school choirsThis is awkwardly written. Maybe "My voice-training ended with my elementary school choirs"? , but I haven't let that discourage me. I practiced opera, pop, rock, even a little blues here and there. My voice became an interesting new entertainment with which I could experiment.You suddenly switch to past tense here. When did you start experimenting? After elementary school? Isn't your voice still "an interesting new entertainment? You should clarify. Maybe you should add, "after the stagnation (since you like that word, idk) of my training, I began practicing..." But I don't know if that is exactly what happened. The tense-switch just confused me How high could I make it go without it cracking? How do I transition from those mellow middle notes to heavenly high ones? And would I ever be able to make my voice sound even vaguely less girly? Soon enough my confidence overtook my self consciousness,The next clause here IS independent. Therefore, you require a comma. and these mini performances became day- long events, ready for the enjoyment, or torture, of my future roommate.
Admittedly, my love for singing is paralleled by my love to dance, though in a more discrete manner. Once again, with the advanced training of a 2nd grade dance class, my excitement overwhelms my skill, or lack thereofYou convey your lack of skill by saying that you have minimal training . Without fail, when I put on a pair of shoes I love, or a dress that begs to be spun, my body is taken by movement. Similarly, when I get fantastic news or the weather is uncharacteristically rainy, you will likely see me prancing around at some point of the day. Yes, I will be the person publically performing interpretive dance on the third Halloween in a rowWhat? I don't understand what this means. You dressed up as an interpretive dancer for Halloween? Or is interpretive dance on Halloween a thing? If it is, then I haven't heard of it, and I doubt the admission counselor will have heard of it either. . I'm also the girl eagerly studying the dancers at the ballet,Dependent clause -> no comma and enthusiastically organizing a flash mob with my band of equally inexperienced friends.
So if there's stomping on the floor of the dorm and the faint sound of a dying deal, don't be alarmed; just be assured I've gotten comfortable in my new home.
This is so sweet. I really like it.
