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Slap on the face; World I come from



laurav3 1 / -  
Nov 18, 2013   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

Please help iam not a great writer and I really nead help. Any sugestions, I only have 2 paragraphs done and iam completly lost.

For most people, the slap on the face that turns their lives around is figurative, mine was literal. Walking across the street and getting slapped by a Compton sign made me realize why I should strive for the best. Knowing that I come from a low income family and from a city that is known for: its violence, its poverty, and its high school dropout rate, made me gain an aspiration of becoming something great. Although my community lacks educational resources, I want to demonstrate to the world that I can in fact become an educated and involved member in society.

Violence, poverty crimes, and high school dropout are the first things people tend to point out about Compton. Having to grow up in a city where not everything is sugar sweet has been my motivation to always strive for the best. Growing up around these circumstances where people constantly tell you, you cannot succeed has urged me to become stronger and ignore all that. No one can tell me what I can and cannot do and there is a beauty to this because here is where I decide to listen to them and show them what I think. I think I can prove them and do what I have dreamed, become someone successful who others can look up to.

dumi 1 / 6793  
Nov 18, 2013   #2
Knowing that I come from a low income family and from a city that is known for: its violence, its poverty, and its high school dropout rate, made me gain an aspiration of becoming something great.

...Some punctuation issues :( I suggest the following ;
Knowing that I come from a low income family and from a city that is known for its violence, poverty, and high rate of school dropouts, made me gain an aspiration of becoming someone worthy.

Although my community lacks educational resources, I want to demonstrate to the world that I can in fact become an educated and involved member in society.

Despite of limited educational resources, I am keen on furthering my education to demonstrate that I can be learned and an important member in society.

Well, this prompt is aimed at knowing the world you came from. So, you need to have a better focus on that. Tell more about the background of your community and the challenges you faced. This talks more about your aspirations and less about the former.


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