There was no moon over the soccer stadium, but it was after midnight, the risers still crowded, and our soccer team was playing in the state finals which had been taken to a penalty shoot-out. People had taken off their visors and straw hats, and the night now was windless and warm.
It was my chance to be an irredeemable villain or a coveted hero. A goal would result in a Championship win and a wayward shot would result in the door being blow open for the opponents.
I line up the shot and say to myself "this is everything you've trained for". Momentarily I lose myself to a world of trance and when I'm back in the present I am mobbed by team mates backed up with huge cheers. All at once I feel like I am exactly where I want to be. Twelve years, a hundred matches, one Trophy. Soccer is my inspiration. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Okay that's my essay the only problem is that it's 162 words. Any hints/ suggestions and grammar corrections? Thanks!
A goal would result in a Championship win and a wayward shot would result in the door being blow open for the opponents.
^As a reader, I understood that there would be consequences if you missed the penalty seeing as how your previous sentence implied this. (Btw, Arsenal vs Celtic and Chelsea vs Sunderland on tonight)
I lined up for the shot and say to myself "this is everything you've trained for". Momentarily I lose myself to a world of trance and when I'm back in the present I am mobbed by team mates backed up with huge cheers. All at once I feel like I am exactly where I want to be. Twelve years, a hundred matches, one Trophy. Soccer is my inspiration. I wouldn't have it any other way.
^Well, I am not too sure if such a moment fits in with the 150 word Common App essay question. That essay question asks you to expand on an activity, if I am not mistaken. Here, you delve into a moment of victory, an accomplishment, something that could make a strong Common App long essay instead.
There was no moon over the soccer stadium, but it was after midnight, the risers still crowded, and our soccer team was playing in the state finals which had been taken to a penalty shoot-out. People had taken off their visors and straw hats, and the night now was windless and warm. Weak sentences.
It was my chance to be an irredeemable villain or a coveted hero. A goal would result in a Championship win and a wayward shot would result in the door being blow open for the opponents.This sentence is confusing.
I line up the shot and say to myself "this is everything you've trained for". Momentarily I lose myself to a world of trance and when I'm back in the present I am mobbed by team mates backed up with huge cheers. All at once I feel like I am exactly where I want to be.Weak sentences. Twelve years, a hundred matches, one Trophy. Soccer is my inspiration. I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm not sure if I'm right about this, but what I gathered from the extracurricular essay is that colleges just want more information on something you're really interested in. So maybe you could add more facts about how long you've been playing, etc. The Personal Essay is for showing off your writing skills, etc. but I think the 150 words essay is to learn more about your activity.
What do other people think about this?
What do other people think about this?
Ideally, you will do both: Show off your writing skills
and tell or, even better, demonstrate something about yourself. "Twelve years, a hundred matches, one Trophy." That does tell us how long the writer has been playing; the writer's devotion to the sport is implicit in the narrative.
