Please help me revise/edit this and give me advice.
Essay topic: Please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.
A Sojourn to Reality
They were all around me, with their famished eyes piercing right through me. I was in the backseat of a comfortably air-conditioned Honda Civic, while they were outside in the disgusting smoggy streets. It was my first visit to the Philippines with my parents, where they were born. I saw poverty. I smelled poverty. I felt poverty. Whenever we stopped at traffic lights, emancipated 5 year olds constantly surrounded our immaculate car. My father repeatedly warned me to ignore them and avoid eye contact. His warnings were unheard as I stared out the window. There was a little girl, dressed in a torn and bedraggled cloth, with her bony hands extended toward me. Next to her was an even smaller boy, perhaps her brother. His face was covered in dirt and sweat. It was as if they were trying to tell me that it was pure luck, that I was in this car and that they were outside, scouting for their family's next meal. I pleaded with my father to allow me to give them money. He gave me a few coins, and I cringed as I rolled down the window. I carefully placed 50 pesos in the girl's hand. It was the equivalent of one US dollars, but it was enough to buy her and her brother a whole meal. She grabbed it with celerity and walked off. As the light turned green and we drove away, I looked back. A big smile covered her face as she hugged her brother.
I was not only shocked, but I was mortified. Here I was complaining about little things like wanting an iPhone, while millions of kids wandered the streets for a mere few cents. Throughout my life, my parents consistently told me how lucky I was. I used to think it was what every parent told their child, and so I ignored their comments. But it finally struck me that poverty is real and that my parents were once a part of it. My ignorance transformed into guilt. When I returned to America, I saw things differently. I began to appreciate the freshly cooked food on the table and the clean clothes in my closet. I became grateful and I wanted to take more advantage of what I had. I helped more around the house, I focused harder in school, I donated to food drives and I worked with clothing drives.
The trip to the Philippines was not only a reminder as to how lucky I am, but it was a realization of how poverty is all around us and that anyone can help. As a UF Gator, I will share this experience with others and inspire them to spread poverty awareness. I will instill my fellow UF students to become positive contributors of society.
Essay topic: Please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.
A Sojourn to Reality
They were all around me, with their famished eyes piercing right through me. I was in the backseat of a comfortably air-conditioned Honda Civic, while they were outside in the disgusting smoggy streets. It was my first visit to the Philippines with my parents, where they were born. I saw poverty. I smelled poverty. I felt poverty. Whenever we stopped at traffic lights, emancipated 5 year olds constantly surrounded our immaculate car. My father repeatedly warned me to ignore them and avoid eye contact. His warnings were unheard as I stared out the window. There was a little girl, dressed in a torn and bedraggled cloth, with her bony hands extended toward me. Next to her was an even smaller boy, perhaps her brother. His face was covered in dirt and sweat. It was as if they were trying to tell me that it was pure luck, that I was in this car and that they were outside, scouting for their family's next meal. I pleaded with my father to allow me to give them money. He gave me a few coins, and I cringed as I rolled down the window. I carefully placed 50 pesos in the girl's hand. It was the equivalent of one US dollars, but it was enough to buy her and her brother a whole meal. She grabbed it with celerity and walked off. As the light turned green and we drove away, I looked back. A big smile covered her face as she hugged her brother.
I was not only shocked, but I was mortified. Here I was complaining about little things like wanting an iPhone, while millions of kids wandered the streets for a mere few cents. Throughout my life, my parents consistently told me how lucky I was. I used to think it was what every parent told their child, and so I ignored their comments. But it finally struck me that poverty is real and that my parents were once a part of it. My ignorance transformed into guilt. When I returned to America, I saw things differently. I began to appreciate the freshly cooked food on the table and the clean clothes in my closet. I became grateful and I wanted to take more advantage of what I had. I helped more around the house, I focused harder in school, I donated to food drives and I worked with clothing drives.
The trip to the Philippines was not only a reminder as to how lucky I am, but it was a realization of how poverty is all around us and that anyone can help. As a UF Gator, I will share this experience with others and inspire them to spread poverty awareness. I will instill my fellow UF students to become positive contributors of society.
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