This is my essay for Bryn Mawr College. It's due today so I would greatly appreciate it if someone would please help review it as soon as possible! Thank you!
Please attach an essay of no more than one page telling us what you think you would gain from the educational experience at Bryn Mawr and what you would contribute to the community.
I've heard it at least a thousand times: "Just write something exotic about being from India. Colleges love that stuff." But I like to think that I am unique for reasons beyond just my Indian lineage. After all, how unique does that make me in comparison to a population of over a billion?
As it so happens, my answers to both questions in the prompt are about living in India, but have little to do with the fact that I am of Indian ethnicity or that I am surrounded by people who make curry and wear saris.
Who I am, what I hope to gain, and what I think I can contribute are all products of my experience in India as a multidimensional country. I was born into the ostensibly open-minded upper middle class of Indian society, where double standards are more carefully concealed than in the rest of the nation, but are equally prevalent. Parents enroll their children into the most liberal schools, but continue to enforce their own beliefs and customs upon them. In such a society, my Hindu mother and Muslim father are a rarity. They both live by their own belief systems, and have never imposed their views on me or on each other, thus creating a home environment that has stimulated, nurtured, and shaped me without requiring any blind acceptance or thought conditioning. I have been given the freedom to view the world with no preconceived thoughts or notions, through my own lens and to form my own opinions. In a community where even my closest friends, from their equally "open-minded" families, have to, to some extent, abide by their parents' beliefs, the freedom I have been given is golden. It is this freedom that has molded me into the analytical, rational person I perceive myself to be. I can never accept anything at face value, and find myself questioning every aspect of my world. I feel that this attribute is conducive to creating an engaged and enthusiastic student body, and to fostering an intellectually stimulating environment.
For a country bursting at the seams with so many vibrant cultures, India is relatively backward when it comes to genuine open-mindedness and acceptance, and overcoming this is the key to bridging the divides in India, and allowing us to progress as a nation. I believe that this can only be achieved through the right sort of education: the sort that a liberal-minded, open community such as Bryn Mawr offers, and there is nothing more appealing to me than the prospect of being part of the community of inspiring and independent young women that is Bryn Mawr College.
Hi, While your para on India as a country bursting at the seams is a bit cliched, the part where you have spoken about your parents & the values they have instilled in you is quite refreshing.
However, think you should add a few lines / thoughts about what Bryn Mawr means to you & how it will help you grow as a better person / help mould a young woman such as yourself stepping into the threshold of a bright future.
Reading a bit about the vision / mission of this institution on the college website / wikipedia / alumni might help organise your thoughts.
Good luck.
I like this intro... very cool. I'll remove a comma below. Even though it seems like you need one, you don't:
... are about living in India but have little to do with the fact that I am of Indian ethnicity or that I am surrounded by people who make curry and wear saris. (Right here, before ending the paragraph, add a thesis statement that actually tells the message of the essay, the answer to the question you raised.)
All the material above should be one paragraph. That is what I think. It will be an eloquent, solid intro that ends with a thesis statement. :-)
