'It is something extra' - Personal Statement (the European Business School London)

Can someone Please review this Personal statement and give me some feedback ..all help is greatly appreciated.

"Please provide us with a personal statement of 300-500 words outlining your reasons for applying to your chosen course at the European Business School London":

With all the many different schools out there to choose from, I specifically knew what I wanted. I was in search for something extra; an institution that would give me more than just a mediocre overview of International Event management; it was hardly the Eeny, meeny, miny mo situation given the importance of this major stepping stone in life. Nevertheless, after searching far and wide, I feel that narrowing my choice to the European Business School London (EBSL) is the right decision for me. EBSL's employment rate alone speaks for itself not to mention the list of top tier companies that employ EBSL graduates. Subsequent to my extensive research on your institution, I found some of the more alluring elements of EBSL to be its student diversity, its focus on the importance of teaching different languages, and its locality. All of these elements make my goal of one day being a respected dominant force in this industry become much more attainable.

EBSL's eclectic array of students makes it a haven for fostering new and exciting friendships, not to mention the business contacts from all around the globe. In my search for the appropriate school, I also found that EBSL was the only institution that made languages a top priority in its curriculum. Globalism is important; we need to see the "big" picture and have a global outlook on business In order to succeed prosper in the 21st century. I have always been fascinated by different cultures and yearned to know different languages. This trait was demonstrated with an honorary award I received in primary school for excellence in language; and while other students were poking fun at the pupils from foreign countries for being different, I would naturally be drawn to make friends with them. This just goes to show my interest in different languages and cultures has long been rooted in me. So in effect to fuel this fire of a passion, I wish to study Portuguese when I arrive at EBSL.

Events bringing people together have also been dear to me; as a child I always helped my parents in setting up family holiday parties; even on special occasions when they did not have anything planned, I would take it upon myself to create a menu for what we would be feasting on that evening, then call family and friends to invite them over for a night of dancing and food. In addition to the aforementioned, I relish the thought of making London my new home for the next few years. Even though my time in Europe was short-lived; the time spent there was very much an eye-opening experience. The different cultures and ideas left me wanting more like a hungry bloke in a buffet. Hailing from Miami, a major hodgepodge in the states; I don't get easily impressed by diverse cities which say's a lot about London which more-less left me in awe. Having said that there is nothing more I would like than studying in the great melting pot. Optimistically, upon entering the business foundation course, I look forward to taking full advantage of the fast track option offered by the school. In accordance with my chosen language of study; while attending EBSL, I wish to partake in the Study Period Abroad programme in fascinating emerging market of Brazil. Clearly leaving my "comfort" zone to go study in London will not be easy; however, my drive to succeed coupled with my will to run a successful premier International event Management Company will ensure that I not only reach my expectation in my studies, but surpass them as well.

Right after this sentence above, you should perhaps write something about your own purpose that makes it convenient for you to learn language in a diverse environment.

I have always been fascinated by various cultures and languages.

This just goes to show that my interest in different languages and cultures has long been rooted in me.

Hyphens: Even though my time in Europe was short-lived, the time spent spending time there was very much an eye-opening experience.

This essay starts off very strong; the beginning is SO eloquent! But you should use paragraphs to organize it, and you should watch out for jumping from one idea to the next.

The reader should be able, after reading this, to succinctly tell someone what your "purpose" is. I am very impressed with your writing ability, but it will help if you organized it into 3 solid paragraphs, each with a topic sentence.

Thanks Kevin, you were just the person i was hopping to review this for me. I'll deffinately take your advice into consideration. maybe after i tweak it you can take another look for me.

Wow that's a very well-written essay. Your word choices are very powerful and persuading. I love it and the reasons you give for going to EBSL. But as our moderator Kevin mentioned, there's a problem with the organization. For example, you jumped from your eager to learn languages and cultures to your ability in events management, but then you jumped back to say you want to learn Portuguese. It would be nice to present one idea then next. Would it be good to use transitions in this kind of essays?

But overall the ideas and the words are very good and powerful.
Good Luck to you.

I modified the essay a bit hopefully for the better. any comments or suggestions? also its a bit more than the 500 word limit... I don't feel it should be. as they say "Quality over Quantity". or is that a no no in this situation?

Confronted with a myriad of schools from which to choose, I knew specifically what I wanted I was in search of something extra -- an institution that would give me more than just a mediocre overview of International Event management. Ambivalence was not appropriate for this major turning point in my life.

Some of the material from the first part of the third paragraph should probably be cut. What you did as a little child is not as impressive as what you have done more recently. This is all very good, impressive writing! You do a good job of focusing on the school and on your specific plan.

any advice on the word count?? its 500+ and the instructions say 300-500...

Stephen King says that the second draft should = the first draft minus 10%.

So...I thought you could stand to cut some from the 3rd paragraph, but you have to decide what feels like the right part to cut. You can also reread it and see if you find any ways to make sentences shorter. It's not just to get within the wordcount; saying more with fewer words is more powerful!

:)

Cutting is easy, when it other people's writing you are cutting. When you have to cut your own stuff, it is hard, unless a year or so has gone by since you wrote it, because you still remember how much effort the material you have to cut cost you. That said, here's some brutal slashing for you:

Before: "With all the many different schools out there to choose from, I specifically knew what I wanted. I was in search for something extra; an institution that would give me more than just a mediocre overview of International Event management"

After: "I'm seeking a institution that will provide me an in-depth education in International Event Management."

Before: "Subsequent to my extensive research on your institution, I found some of the more alluring elements of EBSL to be its student diversity, its focus on the importance of teaching different languages, and its locality. All of these elements make my goal of one day being a respected dominant force in this industry become much more attainable."

After: "EBSL appeals to me because of its student diversity, it multilingual nature, and its exciting location." The opening clause and last sentence don't really say anything worthwhile, so I eliminated them altogether.

And so on. You can do this yourself for the rest of the essay, if you can make yourself forget the effort you put in to create the first draft. Then it's easy -- just cut anything that begins to bore you.