I'm not really good in writing.
Please give me some opinion on what I've written so far. Thanks in advance.
Provide us with a brief statement of about 500 words in which you address one of the following topics: 'Describe an experience that has led you to choose your current career objective' or 'Describes a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.' In your response, be sure to include how the experience will impact your time at the University of Pittsburgh.
It was a Saturday morning. I was wake up by cries travelling through the door. A could feel goose bumps running through my spine. "Something is wrong," I told myself. True enough, something really bad stroke our family that Saturday dawn.
My maternal grandmother passed away that day. It was tough for my mother to learn that my grandma was gone forever. I was only 11, a kid that did not know how to react to it. I felt sad, but not to a point of devastation. The truth was that I had not realized how important my grandma was to me at that point of the time.
Apart from seeing relatives crying over my grandma's dead body at her wake, the memories were too coarse for me to remember. However, one scene stayed in my memory clearly, as though I relived that very moment over and over again whenever I thought of it. The day of my grandmother's funeral, I saw my dad cried for the first time in my live. A strong egoist, he never shows his weaknesses. He has always been the firm but witty dad. Yet that morning, I saw him shedding tears. That was the first time I truly felt the word "dolefulness".
A woman who traveled all the way from China only to find herself landed on an arranged marriage, my grandma gave me the strength to face life with optimism and courage. As I matured, I simultaneously developed a sense of humor, with a twist of confidence. Losing someone you love changes how you see and treat life. I learn that reminiscence will always be the sticky note in my mind, reminding me to cherish every opportunity in life with a smile.
When I was given a chance to pursue my dreams in Economics, I thought of my grandma. I think she would be proud of me because I learn to try before saying, "No." She used to say that, "Learn, not from the best institution, but from a place that can cultivate your interest and lead you in finding your true path." And this path should be found with truth and virtue.
What I need in life is not an avalanche of As, but a stimulus that can bring excitement to every tasks that I'm given. I believe that Pitt is the very place I'm looking for. It not only has a good undergraduate program in Economics, but it is also a place that can allow me to experience a blend of diversity and to explore more of myself and the world. I'm particularly interested in the Economics-Statistics joint major as it can prepare me for more research and quantitative-based work upon graduation. I know that it will be very challenging for me, but I'll try my best and I can probably further develop my weird sense of humor in performing arts in order to spice up my college years.
I don't know where will future lead me, but I believe that every little things that my grandma taught me will bring me far and probably to Pittsburgh. I hope to bring a whole new set of positive attitudes in learning to where I wish to attend next fall, the University of Pittsburgh.
You are wrong about one thing, you are VERY good at writing. With English as your second language, it's extremely difficult to do as you have done here, which was to write a strong, emotional, heartfelt essay.
I was thinking that your opening would be even better without the first sentence. How do you feel about starting like this;
On a Saturday morning I woke to the sound of crying...?
or just leaving the first sentence out?
True enough, something really bad struck our family that Saturday dawn.
I was only 11, ... you should write out the number eleven.
I know that it will be very challenging for me, but I'll try my best and I can probably further develop my weird sense of humor in performing arts in order to spice up my college years. This is great, the fact that you're interested in the performing arts. The school will be lucky to have you. Good luck!
By the way, I let another friend read it and he thought that I'm strayed off the topic and that I should focus more on why I chose my major.
So, what's your view in this?
It is great, actually. The reason it seems like you stray off topic is because you did not establish -- at the end of the first paragraph -- that part of your motivation to study economics comes from your grandmother, and important teacher from your youth.
At the end of the first para, write a sentence that encapsulates your main idea! That way, the whole essay will be "on topic."
