Hi guys! I recently discovered this forum, and I think it is a great resource. Thanks in advance!
Here is the prompt for my essay:
"Tell us about your academic/career short-term and long-term goals.
How has your Hispanic heritage influenced these goals?"
It is supposed to be 400-600 words. Please let me know what I need to change in order to make it better.
Essay:
"Your son is now in academic probation," said Orlando, my middle school's psychologist, as he was thoroughly interrogating my mom. Tears immediately gushed down my mother's face, while she looked at me with disappointment. My parents were struggling to pay for me to attend a private school. This school was supposed to help me prepare for college, as I was the first one in family to have this opportunity available to me.
Orlando was trying to figure out why my academic performance had decreased so dramatically. My mom could not understand why all of the sudden I had stopped caring about school. "Why would do I want to go to college?" I asked my mom bluntly. " Carlos graduated six months ago, and he is still unemployed" Just like my friend Carlos; many professionals could not find a job in Colombia due to the country's ongoing economic recession. Many professionals often have to resort to performing manual labor because they cannot find a job within their field of study. "I do not want to waste five years of my life just to end up unemployed, just like the everyone else." An uncomfortable silence suddenly invaded the room. They both knew I was right, and they did not know what to say. "Thank you for coming, Janeth. I will see you next week." With this abrupt farewell Orlando concluded our session.
Upon hearing my opinion about the stagnant economy and the lack of opportunities in Colombia, my mom took a radical decision. "We are going to the United States," Said my mom without hesitation. We had recently heard a couple stories about people immigrating to The United States and becoming successful, we wanted a chance to fulfill the American dream too. One person in particular came to mind when I thought about success stories; his name was Jorge. He was the perfect example of someone who had fulfilled the American dream. He left as a kid, just like any of us, and became very successful after studying in America. Jorge came back to our neighborhood every Christmas, handed out gifts to the little kids and food to the less fortunate. He was an inspiration to all of the little kids; everyone wanted to be like him.
Once we arrived to the United States, my mentality changed completely. Everywhere I looked I saw a plethora of opportunities available to me. Although the language barrier and cultural differences were very challenging, I did not let that keep me from taking advantage of these opportunities. I started studying like I had never studied before, quickly learning the language and exceling on all of my classes. All I wanted was to be successful, so I could be like Jorge and inspire young kids like he inspired me.
Every time I am struggling with schoolwork, or with my job, I think of all the opportunities I have available to me. I think about all of the kids that need an inspiration, like Jorge was to me. This gives me the strength and perseverance I need to accomplish my goals. Short-term goals include finishing my degree with honors, to obtain a position in a major oil company so I can go back to my neighborhood to give back, just like Jorge did when I was young.
Long-term goals include creating a self-sustainable non-profit organization in order to encourage Hispanic youth obtain a higher education. Many of these young adults lack inspiration; if I can give them the inspiration required for them to succeed, I will have fulfilled my dream too.
"Your son is now in academic probation," said Orlando, my middle school's psychologist, as he was thoroughly interrogating my mom.
.... why you used the word "interrogate" here? He was talking to your mom, and she is the person whom he should interrogated. I suggest you to use a different word because I feel it is a bit odd there;
"Your son is now in academic probation," said Orlando, my middle school's psychologist to my helpless mom." Carlos graduated six months ago, and he is still unemployed" Just like my friend Carlos; many professionals could not find a job in Colombia due to the country's ongoing economic recession.
" Carlos graduated six months ago, and he is still unemployed", I said. Just like my friend Carlos, there were many qualified youth struggling to find employment in Colombia due to country's severe economic recession."We are going to the United States," Saidsaid my mom without any hesitation.
