I'm wondering if I could fit it into the UCF essay guidelines. I really like the narrative I've written so far. It is not done yet, maybe with some help I could get the needed direction for that. Or should I just give up using this for UCF?
1.If there has been some obstacle or bump in the road in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
2.How has your family history, culture, or environment influenced who you are?
3.Why did you choose to apply to UCF?
4.What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that will allow you to contribute to the UCF community?
But any help with imagery, grammer, tightening of sentences, or however would appreciatated!
I came to the surface of the water, my lungs burning. Floating in the sea, maybe 700 meters from the beach, I blew the water from my snorkel like a gyser and took a breath. I was on the hunt. I saw my prey, three bicolor parrotfish poking at the coral, looking food. I took a rapid breath, descented slowly and made my way towards the fish. I was determined and patient, but in a couple of hours, my stomach would start growling.
Quietly, stalking the fish, I pulled back my polespear-waiting. The less movement you make in the water, the less vibrations surrounding fish sense, the closer you can approach your target. I could casually swim within 10 meters of the parrotfish before exciting it. You have to know your fish and your enviroment, though. Parrotfish, in this area, do not meet too many spearfisherman. Spearfisherman's favorite fish are the curious ones that like to get close.
So I began to use my free hand to crawl across the ocean floor causing some sand to cloud my presence. I was two meters away, one meter away, a half meter and the little guy was just nodding away at the coral. I let go of my polespear and the sling shot it at the fish. I paralyzed it. I took out my knife for the Iki jime--kill strike. You do not want any unwelcomed sharks smelling your catch and I was nearing the drop off. I strung the fish through the gills onto my stringer where his two new frineds were waiting, and I went back to the surface for air.
The Okinawan sun was warm and welcomed my accomplishment. I looked around for my friend. I had not seen him for twenty minutes. Water spouted up from the water 50 meters to my left. It was my friend, Alex. I shouted I was headed back to the beach. I took the easy way back letting the waves carry me towards land.
I saw my prey, three bicolor parrotfish poking at the coral, looking for food.
I took a rapid breath, descended slowly and made my way towards the fish.
Quietly, stalking the fish, I pulled back my pole spear -waiting.
The less movement you make in the water, the less vibrations surrounding fish sense, and the closer you can approach your target.
You have to know your fish and your environment , though.
Parrotfish, in this area, do not meet too many spear-fisherman .
You do not want any unwelcome sharks smelling your catch and I was nearing the drop off.
I strung the fish through the gills onto my stringer where his two new friends were waiting, and I went back to the surface for air.
I enjoyed reading your essay, as my dad was a diver and I love everything having to do with the sea. If you want help to brighten the scenery or 'feel' of your essay, or future essays, a good rule of thumb is to go through your senses one at a time; what colors were the fish, the coral? Could you hear the bubbles, etc.
Good luck in school!
:)
Thanks Susan. I really appreciate the help. Do you think I could apply the essay to one of the essay topics (1-4)?
I think it fits in with both #2 and #4. Especially #4, as it shows a person who is adventurous, appreciative of nature, intelligent, unique, somewhat worldly, and a great writer!
