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Narrative Essay: Fun with Elders


bbish520 8 / 30  
Mar 6, 2011   #1
Please help me correct this essay. I'm not sure if I have the narrative part down. I'll appreciate all the help I can get! Be as brutal as you can! Thanks!

"Who can help out this Saturday?" Because of this question, my life changed drastically. That day my Language Arts teacher, also the United Way moderator, came into my classroom and asked who was available that Saturday to help out at an elderly home. Because on that Saturday I didn't have work, I decided to take part in the activity. As I entered the facility, all I can see were the smiling faces of all the elders, who were all so friendly and full of joy, and in that moment I knew that I had made the correct decision in coming to help out.

During that trip we played dominoes, bingo, and just basically had fun. A deejay was provided. Music ranging from meringue to salsa was being played. My friends and I joined the grandmas and grandpas in the dance floor once in a while. One may think that spending time with elders would be boring and not really fun but I have to admit that it was a really great experience. Elders are just like kids; they want to have just as much fun as possible. I am glad that I was able to spend that time with them. It doesn't necessary have to be with elders, it can be with others in need.

After all the dancing and friendly talks, it was time for lunch. Orders were made, foods were served, drinks were delivered and each one of us volunteer went to take a seat at different table to socialize with the elders. With the music in the background playing softly, I was able to chat with several lovely old ladies and divine men. Stories were told, jokes were being said, smiles appeared in all of our faces and nothing could have ruin that moment, the moment of joy, of making a difference in someone's life even though it was just for a few hours.

Visiting the elderly home made me realize a few things. Sometimes we complain about our grandparents, how annoying they are, how slow they are, or how we have to take care of them but even though they are annoying, they are slow, they are still our grandparents; they took care of us when we were kids, now it's time for us to care for them. In that elderly home I realize how little time I have been spending with my grandparents, how I haven't been phoning my grandpa who lives in China and how I don't appreciate my grandmother living with me, helping out with all the chores.

I would appreciate any other comments! Thanks

I'll return the favor if you help me! Thanks again!!

KathyLala 20 / 116  
Mar 7, 2011   #2
Here are my tips
=>... also the United Way moderator, came into my classroom and asked who was available that Saturday to help out at an elderly home (came=asked=>past tense)

=> Because on that Saturday I didn't have work, so I decided to take part in the activity

=> As I entered the facility, all I could see were smiling faces of the elders, who were all so friendly and full of joy, and in that moment I knew that I had made the correct decision in coming to help out. (You have past, present tense mixed)

=> During that trip we played dominoes, bingo, and fun activities (you have parallel structure mixed)

=> My friends and I joined the grandmas and grandpas in the dance for a while

=> Not only spending time with elders but also with others in need. (not a complete sentence, a complete sentence = subj + verb)

=> I am glad that I was able to spend that time with them. Not only I was spending time with elders but also I was with others in need. (You ideas are repeated, so rewrite these sentences, you may combine them) e.g., I am glad that I was not only spending time with the elders but also helping them with their needs

=> and each of volunteers took a seat at different table to socialize with the elders

=> With music in the background playing softly, I was able to chat with several lovely old ladies and divine men

=> Visiting the elderly home have made me realize a few things
I would change this sentence like this
=> Visiting the elderly home have made me realize a few things: sometimes we complain about our grandparents, how annoying and how slow and how demanding they are; despite the complaining is true, these old people are our grandparents, who have taken care of us once (I think now when we are grown up, they still mentally take care of us too)

=>... I don't appreciate my grandmother living with me, helping me out with all the chores.
OP bbish520 8 / 30  
Mar 7, 2011   #3
Thanks you Delilah for revising my essay so thoroughly but I decided not to use it becuase it didn't really bring out what I wanted to express what I wanted to write. But thanks you anyway!

Thanks Kathy Hinh for helping me also. I took your tips and revised some of it.
KathyLala 20 / 116  
Mar 7, 2011   #4
=> all I could see were the smiling faces (your sentences in past tense, so use "could" instead of "can")

=> During that trip we played dominoes, bingo, and just basically had fun (do you see that your sentence is not in parallel structure? we play dominoes, (a noun), bingo (a noun), and just basically had fun (adverb+verb+adj), unless you mean different=>During that trip we played dominoes and bingo, and all these activities basically were fun (I use "and" to join 2 independ clauses together; in this sentence I mean we played dominoes and bingo, and the act of these playing were no need to think, just fun activities) OR "During that trip we played dominoes (a noun), bingo (a noun), and fun activities (a noun)"; in this sentence I mean we played dominoes, bingo, and other games too! I hope you understand my explaination


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