'so special and welcoming' - Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

Why did you choose to apply to UCF?

This past January I went on a college tour around Florida. I was anxious to get my first real taste of what college was all about. The first few universities never really captured my interest but when our bus rolled up to UCF I was in awe. As soon as I stepped off that bus and took in my surroundings I just felt this aura of belonging engulf me. I was mesmerized. The first thing that caught my eye was the huge fountain in the middle of the University and I saw that students were lounging on the grass around the fountain and socializing with their friends. It seemed like such a relaxed and calm environment. I immediately had this urge to be one of them, studying by the fountain while sprawled out on a towel because the environment seemed very conducive to studying. Just taking in the soothing sounds of the fountain and laying out in the Florida sun sounded like a perfect day to me. The academic opportunities are endless and I know I can reach my full potential here. I am interested in going into a Health profession, such as Pharmacy, and the Health Sciences Pre-Clinical Program at UCF will help me prepare for this by providing all the foundation courses. I never wanted the tour to end and after that no university even compared to UCF. There is just something indescribable about UCF that makes it so special and welcoming. I knew from that day on that I would do whatever it takes to get accepted into this exemplary university.

Any feedback is welcomed and appreciated.

This past January I went on a college tour around Florida. I was anxious to get my first real taste of what college was all about. The first few universities never really captured my interest but when our bus rolled up to UCF(,) I was in awe. As soon as I stepped off that bus and took in my surroundings(,) I just felt this aura of belonging engulf me. I was mesmerized (mesmerized by what?). The first thing that caught my eye was the huge fountain in the middle of the University(,) and I saw that students were lounging on the grass around the fountain and socializing with their friends. It seemed like such a relaxed and calm environment. I immediately had this urge to be(come) one of them, studying by the fountain while sprawled out on a towel(,) because the environment seemed very conducive to studying. Just taking in the soothing sounds of the fountain and laying out in the Florida sun sounded like a perfect day to me. The academic opportunities are endless and I know I can reach my full potential here. I am interested in going into a Health profession, such as Pharmacy, and the Health Sciences Pre-Clinical Program at UCF will help me prepare for this by providing all the foundation courses. I never wanted the tour to end and after that(,) no university even compared to UCF. There is just something indescribable about UCF that makes it so special and welcoming. I knew from that day on(,) that I would do whatever it takes to get accepted into this exemplary university.

Talk more about the school as a whole. You gave a small blip about the Pre-Clinical Program, and a lot about the fountain-- see if you can change that.

All in all, you do give off a very personal tone in this essay, which is a good thing, and you really show that getting accepted into this school would mean a lot to you.

Talk more about the schools opportunities, other than that great job