'College Green with The Awakening' - Brown Transfer Supplement - Why Brown

Please help! I want to transfer to Brown! Any comments on the essay?? Thank you!

I lazily reclined in the grass under an expansive elm on the College Green with The Awakening. A soft September breeze brushed against my cheek. My muscles further relaxed and I gently supported my back with the tree trunk. I reflected on the collegiate environment surrounding me - students reading, playing Frisbee, conversing with friends over coffee - and I had an epiphany: there is nowhere else in the world where I would prefer to be.

My revelation that day has only been reinforced, and I know that Brown is the right place for me. Every day, I long to live in an environment of socially active, open-minded learners. I desperately crave the academic self-determination and liberation only the open curriculum can give me. I seek a unified university that focuses on individual growth and development. I crave a world-renowned neuroscience program with dedicated professors and abundant research opportunities. I want, and have always wanted Brown.

it sounds amazing, but is this like just the beginning of the essay or the whole thing. if it is just the beginning it is an amazing intro and i love the fact that you started it off with an anecdote and i just think that you might need to build into more of why you like brown and like maybe some programs or things that connect with your major, something like that.

There is a 1000 character limit ...

Here is an updated copy with the prompt. Please review!!

Please tell us more about your interest in transferring: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply?

Thud! A Frisbee crashed an inch above my head against an elm tree on the College Green, instantly pulling me from my book.

"Are you okay?" One boy ran over to me as he threw a look of annoyance at his companion who sheepishly grinned.

"I'm fine! Here's your Frisbee, although you might want to tell your friend to work on his aim before he beheads someone." I grinned and handed the boy his Frisbee. Reflecting on the collegiate environment surrounding me - students reading, exercising, and chatting with friends over coffee - I had an epiphany: this was the place for me.

My revelation that day has only been reinforced. I long to live in a socially active, open-minded environment of learners. I desperately desire the academic self-determination and liberation of the open curriculum. I seek a unified university that focuses on individual development. I crave a world-renowned neuroscience program with dedicated professors and abundant research opportunities. I want, and have always wanted Brown.