Hey guys, so, I kind of just brained-dumped my idea onto the paper, so it may be rough... is it too colloquial? Any glaring mistakes? Let me know what you think. Thanks!
I have never seen a high school football game. I am unused to anything but a five to one ratio of girls to boys in a classroom. I can't image walking along a horizontal plane to get from class to class. I go to the Orange County High School of the Arts, OCHSA for short. There is no football field - the kids who know enough about the sport to play use a section of the teacher parking lot as their arena, there are multiple all girl classes, and many of our classes are in an old bank building, which means that there are seven floors students clamber up and down to reach their next class.
Growing up at OCHSA has been a memorable experience, to say the least. During the academic day, I spend six rigorous hours trying to cram as much math, English, and other intellectual subjects into my brain as possible, much like any other high schooler would. But when the bell rings at the end of each day, signaling the conclusion of my role as an anonymous, pedestrian student, I - a bit like Clark Kent, I'd like to think - shed my drab alter ego and become something much greater.
A visual arts student.
Every day of the week, I am part of the great process known as Conservatory. For another four hours after the academic day has ended, I labor through blood, sweat, and tears to master my craft. I paint, draw, sculpt, design, and metal-smith my way towards perfection - though perfection is seldom, if ever, the result. As a fresh-faced 12-year old first arriving at OCHSA, I was convinced that by the time I graduated, I would be a master of all things visual arts; of course, I was wrong. Learning is, surprisingly, a learning experience. More importantly, it is an indefinite and all encompassing one. It doesn't matter what the subject is. Arts, math, science, one can never know everything about any of them. I never stop learning. And, though some of my peers would call this out as an outlandish statement, I do enjoy going to school and learning. I love what I do. I get to interact with brilliant artists - fellow students - on a daily basis; I take inspiration from them and in turn, grow as an artist in my own right. I am privileged to have been able to work with them and, as I gradually journey into the vast unknown, also known as "college", I want to be able to take the spirit OCHSA cultures in all its students and apply it to everything I do. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to be a part of something great. I want to learn.
I can't image walking along a horizontal plane to get from class to class.
This part is hard to wrap my head around, and might benefit from more more detail. Perhaps placing it immediately before or after
which means that there are seven floors students clamber up and down to reach their next class.
This was a pleasure to read, in all honesty. If you want to refine the language further, that is your choice, but as it reads now, I understand what you're trying to say and I like the way you say it.
If you don't like it the way it is, I would suggest trying to rewrite it and comparing your two drafts, and either combine the two or pick the better one. Overall, I really enjoyed your essay!
and many of our classes are in an old bank building, which means that there are seven floors students clamber up and down to reach their next class.
Your description and detail are excellent, but I hope you add something to the end of the first para to show what the point of this discussion is going to be.
How about using a colon:
shed my drab alter ego and become something much greater: A visual arts student.
I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to be a part of something great. I want to --- this is very cool, but I think you should add something to the end of the essay to "complete" the theme by referring back to what you said at the beginning about all that you are NOT, because of what you choose to be. You are not this, but you are that, and distinctively so.
