Stanford Supplement "To. Future Roommate" (a roommate tutoring service)

Prompt: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better. (MAX: 1600char.)

Please give me any comment; I don't have anyone to review my essay..
Thank you very much for your help and time in advance.

Dear my roommate:

Hello, future-roommate! My name is EJ. I am so happy to meet you since I miss so much my three ex-roommates of my high school dormitory. If you never experienced dormitory, I can help you adapt to and enjoy the new life style, and I promise that it will be delightful.

If you want to know about me ahead, you can look around and will find my characteristics hidden in my stuff.

The white programming screen and the black command window on my laptop may look so dull to you, but they are the outlet of my creativity. When you are bored, I can show you a number magic program which can read your mind with only 8 questions. When you are super busy, I can give you my scheduling program to find out our perfect time to hang out. When your laptop goes wrong, I can finally show off my 10-year-long-experience of disassembling and re-assembling computers.

The tutor of the quarter award beside my bed might seem not so outstanding award, but I value much this thin paper as I value the lesson I learned from the tutoring experience. Peer tutoring is always fun; both tutor and tutee can learn from each other. We can discuss, explore, and solve complex problems together. If you are not confident with mathematics, physics, or computer languages, I can offer a roommate tutoring service.

Like the things in our room are seemed too much to be handled at once, our personality is hard to be revealed at once. I am ready to know you and be friends with you. I am so excited to show you this essay at the dormroom. (1540char.)

Regards,
EJ

-I like how you made this into a letter format
-


--> I think you should re-write this sentence. I think you are trying to say something about how you miss having roommates (because you experienced this before) and you are glad to have a roommate once again! Your sentence right now is grammatically incorrect...



-->..hidden in my belongings.
-You can make this sentence more clear by saying that the things you possess are representative of some of your personality traits. It doesn't really make sense to say that characteristics are "hidden" in your stuff...


--> I think you should cross this sentence out.

-Overall, I think this is a very bright/happy essay.
-I guess this essay does answer the prompt, but I was thinking more about revealing something about who you are as a person opposed to something you are good at like a talent or something.

Good Luck : )

Your comments totally helpful and make sense!
Thank you sooooo much!
I will correct those grammar errors and some details.

I didn't know that I need to directlybreveal my personality through this essay, since it says, "tell something about me."
I tried to appeal my happy, open, and friendly personality, though.
Do you think that I need to change one of the paragraphs to explaining my personal quality?

Again, thank you!

The letter format is WAY overdone. It is not original, soo you should do it in a more original way if you want to make a good impression

This seems like a very powerful sentence for some reason -- very warm and authentic.

If you want to know about me ahead, you can look around and will find my characteristics hidden in my stuff. --- another excellent sentence!! Very good! Put this together withh the first paragraph so that it becomes the last sentence of the first paragraph.

Oh.. I see what Christie means. "Stuff" is pretty informal, and that might not be god. But this is supposed to be a letter to a roommate, so it should not be too formal! Hmmmm... but really, it is not for a roommate; it is for the admissions ofice, so we had better listen to Christie... "... hidden in my personal belongings."

...can finally show off my 10-year-long-experience of disassembling and re-assembling computers.--- I wish you were my roommate! My laptop is always getting messed up. :-)

Well done, I think this is a great essay.

Yes, I think my format is too normal...
I thought about conversation format, but it turns out to be too messy.
Do you have any suggestion about format?

Thank you for the advice!