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"start losing weight" - FSU ESSAY

surfskateskim 2 / 6  
Sep 27, 2009   #1
need help with the ending...im thinking its kinda blehh

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

"Kaitlin, if you don't start losing weight now, you are going to be in a lot more trouble when you're older," said Dr. Alexandra. This was my wake up call to get my health back on track. I was a sixteen year old girl who was overweight, out of shape, and ready to turn her life around. I could no longer live my life this way, and I was determined to start dieting and exercising. So, I did. By using my vires (physical, moral, and intellectual strength), I started watching what I was eating, working out, and always telling myself, "You can do it!"

I hadn't realized how much weight I had gained until I got on the scale in the doctor's office that day. I weighed almost 40 pounds more than my twin sister; I was at risk of having high blood pressure and could be at risk of developing even more problems. My doctor then assured me that if I just made the effort, I could shed the weight with ease. So, that day, I went home, and started to set up a plan.

The first thing to do was organize was my diet. I had to calculate (intellectual vires) the proper amount of calories that I should intake per day. After I found the right quantity, I was able to look up a bunch of healthy recipes, and go grocery shopping for all the needed ingredients. I enjoyed this part of my weight loss most, because I love cooking. It was a whole new experience for me to eat all of these healthy foods, but it wasn't so bad and I knew I had to.

Next on my "To-Do" list was to create an exercise plan. I began Google-ing for the best exercises to get in shape. I discovered from many websites that any type of cardio was the way to go. So, ever since then, I have been working out almost everyday. I run, do some simple exercises with weights, and the typical push-ups, sit-ups, jumping jacks, pull-ups, lunges, etc. This was a very difficult change in my life, because I used to be so lazy, and I had to make working out a part of my daily routine (physical vires). Now that I am in shape, my body feels clean, and I feel amazing.

Losing weight wouldn't have gone as well as it did if I didn't have self-confidence (moral vires). If I didn't have faith in myself, I wouldn't have had this much success. I constantly had to reassure myself that I was strong, and that I could do it. I always told myself, "The harder you try, the better you'll look." Believing in myself was difficult quite a few times, but it made everything easier.

Losing weight and all of the things I had to do for it was an overall awesome experience. My vires played a huge role the whole time; if I didn't have any strengths, none of this would have been possible.

Aemilia 1 / 4  
Sep 27, 2009   #2
Hi Kaitlin,
I notice one huge aspect in your essay you could improve- passive writing! Almost every sentence has a passive Be-verb in it (am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been). Eliminating those will greatly strengthen your writing. For example:

I WAS determined to start dieting and exercising.
I determined to start dieting and exercising.
I WAS able to look up a bunch of healthy recipes.
I looked up a bunch of healthy recipes.
I constantly had to reassure myself that I WAS strong.
I constantly had to reassure myself that I had strength.
..and so forth.
I hope that helps!

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