Personal Statement; Tell us more about you and why you are considering VCU/ International Transfer

I am from Ghana and recently started my application process to Virginia commonwealth University. This is my first time writing a personal statement to any school at all as its not done here in my country. Please tell me if I'm on track

Continual improvement

I couldn't take the suspense as I was waiting anxiously to see what scores I had received after our final exams, particularly mathematics. I typed in the PIN to check online, and as I read the bold F on the page, my heart sunk. "How did I manage an F?" I was disappointed but I decided to stay positive. Over the weeks, I signed up for remedial classes to rewrite math. After several months, I improved to a C and was accepted to a two-year IT program to receive a diploma.

The neglect from friends I grew up with, who are achieving excellently at Universities in America among other countries, influence me to do even better. My wish is to build on my skills in animation, web design, and editing designs in order to obtain an IT degree. I plan to educate the youth here in Ghana, especially the girls in my community, on the importance of computers in today's modern world. This would make a great impact on our economy and development in Ghana as it would not only bring opportunities for jobs, but create effective ways of conducting businesses using technology.

I believe the first step to accomplishing this goal is to receive a Bachelor, though I intend to go on to receiving a Doctorate degree. I know this requires sacrifice, effort and devotion, and believe I have what it takes to accomplish this. Being a leader of Girls' Education club for 3 years has taught me important skills: organization and perseverance, which will help me excel during my time at VCU. The opportunity to attend would reap so many benefits not only for me, but for the community here in Ghana. Past experiences like passing that difficult math Exam, has made me optimistic that I will succeed.

Barbara, a personal statement is used to introduce yourself to the reviewer. Since you are introducing yourself to a complete stranger in the hopes of being admitted to the university, it is important that you present yourself in a positive light. Discuss your positive attributes as a student and as a person. Do not open the essay with the fact that you got an F for a grade. Do you think that would impress the reviewer? Nope. It would make him say, "If your grades are bad, why should I consider you?" Then he will move on to the next student, without finishing reading your essay. You will effectively have ended your application consideration with the first few lines of your personal statement. Be more upbeat and explain why you want to apply for this course of study. Make yourself sound good, be it with your grades or your personality. Remember, you want this person to like you, not question why you are applying if you are a bad student. Remove that paragraph and present more interesting information such as the development of your interest in this line of study and why you chose this university over the others. Be proud of who you are by saying you are the first in your family to apply for college overseas. Anything that will make the reviewer like what you have to say about yourself on paper may help make your application stand out.

Hi Babbie!
You have the same problem as mine when i tried to create my first ever personal statement. You tend to focus on active sentences by continuously adding "I" on your essay. My proofreader said that i should avoid that behavior because it's improper for a personal statement (and most essays) and makes my essay sounds informal. I think you should do that too. Try to add in the "I" word once or twice a paragraph, and write sentences in a passive form.

Also, you might want to write a strong first sentence that will drive all your examiner's attention to your essay, and makes them curious about what content do you propose. For example "Going through difficult past experiences has giving me a strong motivation to help educating young people in Ghana", or you could add in a quote from respectable people which is related to your story. Just be creative :)

I am sorry that I could not comment on your content or structure as i am still learning on those too. But i hope some people here will be able to give a great feedback on this essay.

Good luck on your application!

@Holt @numissh
Thank you so much. Your time and efforts are greatly appreciated. I made another draft, I'll post it soon

So this is what is what I came up with

Please offer corrections and suggestions

A controversial identity; despite protests from my family members and other Ghanaians in my community, I consider myself first and foremost an "African Israeli." Impossible? I think not. Although I was born in Ghana, I had my Elementary Education in Israel. I built my fundamentals in an Israeli school where for the first time I noticed how different I was from the rest of them. My skin color, my hair, even how I spoke. I would tell them how beautiful Africa was and they would laugh and call me a monkey. Again, for the first time, I questioned my God gifted Melanin. After some years coming back to Ghana, I embraced my skin. I grew to accept I wasn't alone, yet I am African Israeli in the truest meaning: an African brought up in Israel.

I am a dark skinned African woman with features that reflect my heritage. I cherish the dark pigmentation of my skin, the plumpness of my nose, and the fullness of my lips. I am "Nappy & Jolly." I love learning new things, I once enjoyed watching ants build an anthill. I'm a girl who's in love with computers. Oddly, in my part of the world girls find that boring.

After obtaining a Diploma in Information Technology at Koforidua Technical University, in the hunt for glory I have chosen to pursue a Bachelor in Information System at Virginia Commonwealth University. Considering VCU's small student-to-faculty ratio and diverse culture, through the exchange of ideas, utilization of its innovative facilities and its faculties, I will be able to acquire knowledge and in return give back to the world especially young girls in my Ghanaian community. I want to attend VCU to increase my understanding of the technological business driven universe, so that I can be a better master.

Merged:

Edited Personal statement Prompt "Tell us more about you and why you are considering vcu"

I took so much time to get the prompt right as I drifted from what it was really asking of me. So here is what I finally came up with. Please tell me your thoughts.

Computers have played an integral part of my life since childhood, largely because of my father's unflinching enthusiasm for technology.

This enthusiasm rubbed off incredibly well on me by inspiring me to initiate and lead an all-girls club in Akwamuman Senior High school with similar interests. The club's (Step-Up Girls Club, established in 2011) sole aim was to build individual skills and basic computer training. I was able to introduce them to the fundamentals such as the internet. With this, we were able to do in depth research and create our own study community among others.

It is my firm belief that with the right training in Information and Computer Technology from a reputable institution like yours, I will be well placed not just to fulfil my personal ambitions but make a great impact on my country.

I aspire to introduce ICT to the teeming youth of my country especially women and girls in an attempt to help bridge the widening gap between the rich and the poor by making opportunities in for job creation in ICT available to them.

I hold a Diploma in Information Technology from the Koforidua Technical University in Ghana. I chose to pursue a Bachelor's Degree in Information Systems at Virginia Commonwealth University because of its sizeable student-to-faculty ratio and the astounding diverse culture. I strongly believe this environment will inspire me to exchange ideas with students from all walks of life. Also, the availability of innovative facilities alongside the department's partnership with various software companies and faculties, makes it equally attractive. I have a strong desire to increase my understanding of the technological advancements of the world and VCU appears to be the ultimate destination for me.