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"Stay. I love you, but if it hurts to live, then go.", New to college essays

asth3nia 1 / 9  
Dec 16, 2009   #1
I'm an international student and im new to this whole essay writing thing. please comment :)

This is for the influential person in your life:

"Stay. I love you, but if it hurts to live, then go," my mother said softly to the little spasmodic boy on her lap as tears rolled down her face. This room was a familiar place for her; she had been here numerous times on her nursing shifts. But never had she thought that on this day, it would be her own son attached to the IV.

Words are not enough to describe the love and adoration I have for this boy. They cannot portray his beautiful smile when his stomach is full and his diaper is clean. They are incapable of depicting the pain he has gone through; the torment of seizures, swine flu, brain surgeries, and pneumonia. They barely suffice the emotions my family experiences when illness strikes him; tears swarm our faces as we pray fanatically, watching the sickness take away the twinkle in his eyes. Nothing in any language can describe the joy he brings and the warmth he creates in gloomy situations. No articulation can adequately describe my lovable older brother.

Two decades ago, my mother received a beautiful gift of a little boy in her belly. Coming from a meager family of twelve, my mother's first born son would be all her hopes and dreams, pioneer in the future that she never had. She laid all her trusts with her obstetrician best friend.

On what was supposed to be the happiest day of my parent's lives, hope crumbled into pieces the instant the heedless doctor reached for his metal tongs and pulled out my brother's fetal head. My parents had to throw away every little toys and books they had bought because the boy would not be able to read, talk, or walk. My brother was then diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy.

Many times the boundary of life and death for my brother was nothing more than a fine line, with only us holding him back with our love. My instincts tell me that by his own willpower to live, he fought death itself to this day. I know that deep inside him, he understands. He feels pain and knows what is going on, how much his family loves him, and he wants to be here.

When I was young, I had always pondered on how our lives would be if my brother was not disabled, would my parents be less tired and have less sag under their eyes? Would I finally be able to study for my tests without worrying whether he has eaten or not? I came to realize that he was a gift; a bond that held our family together, a scaffold for my goals and also a gift to all disabled children in Thailand. My brother laid out my future for me, the hardship that I have seen him and his people face has numbed me from my own self-pity and opened me up to a world of reality. They all fought hard to live and someone needs to make this cruel world a better place for them.

Every day before I go to school, I give my brother a kiss on the cheek in the early morning. He greets the day with a big smile, a grin so big his gums dry up. He looks forward to another day of sounds from the TV, three courses of delicious blender meals, and love from his family. He is a 20 year old baby who knows no evil, sinless and pure. He makes me smile when he is happy, he makes me cry when he is in pain, and his picture in my wallet reminds me what my purpose is. Bless his heart, for he introduced his sister to the real value of life. He taught me how to love unconditionally. He is my muse, my inspiration, my impelling force, and my dedication. Mere words can never express the love I have for my brother.

IntlIndian /  
Dec 16, 2009   #2
This is a really good essay! I see you have taken to writing college essays very well. I'm an international student as well and my first essay wasn't half as good!

a few corrections-
It had been over 20 years that my family stood through with the boy. Some say he is a gift and many say he is a curse, but to me he is more than just someone's say.

My family has stood by the boy for over 20 years. Some say he is a gift, many others think he is a curse, but to me he is more than what anyone can say (?) I don't really know what you're trying to say here so if you mean that he means much more to you than anyone can possible imagine you should change it. Either way change it because it's wrong..
OP asth3nia 1 / 9  
Dec 16, 2009   #3
thank you P Prasad, will do :)
ryanclare 2 / 7  
Dec 16, 2009   #4
This is a really amazing story and I don't want to seem harsh, but this essay shows little about yourself. This is about the most influential person you know, but how has your brother influenced you and how does this make you you/inspire who you want to be? Did going through this make you want to be a medical researcher, doctor, or therapist? Or even on a more personal level (not job related) how have you been changed because of this?
shannon92 15 / 74  
Dec 16, 2009   #5
Wow this is an amazing piece. You are a very good writer and you can tell a lot about your emotional side/what he means to you. I would say however you need to work on incorporating yourself into your essay. How has he impacted you? What has this inspired you to do? Why is he the most influential person in your life? Good job though
OP asth3nia 1 / 9  
Dec 17, 2009   #6
wow thank you guys that meant so so much to me
i was worried my essay that means alot to me would be boring and banal to everyone else

ill try to work on it
thanks again :))))))
qianmeimei 3 / 14  
Dec 22, 2009   #7
wow,it is so moving. my tears almost run down.I like this essay, really!

Bless his heart, for he introduced his sister to the real value of life. He taught me how to love unconditionally.

i think you can provide more about your understanding of real value of life to show you are a person who is willing to help others, caring about others and has such a kind heart.

a really good writing~
Good luck!
OP asth3nia 1 / 9  
Dec 22, 2009   #8
thank you soo much!!
made me feel so much less nervous :D
OP asth3nia 1 / 9  
Dec 22, 2009   #9
Please comment- will return the favor!
Josephine0411 5 / 15  
Dec 22, 2009   #10
This is really moving.
Well, but since this is an essay that depicts the person with significant influence on you, you should focus more on the impact he brought to you.

Try to replace some words describing yourself with words that demonstrate him.
Hope it helps~Good luck!!

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