Directions: Essays
For this assignment you will write three combination rhetorical essays.
(My teacher revised my essay's a bit, but recommended I get more feed backs.)
Dawn M. Pham
Essay #2
"Green Jeans"
Out on my own, and making my own money, I soon realized that I've become a fanatic on buying expensive jeans. I've found that the expensive jeans make my legs and buns look super sexy rather than the cheaper ones from, oh-lets-say Wal-Mart.
On the other hand, as most know, there has been a fast-past development change of "GREEN", or environmental safe, fashion in which jean quality has plummeted and prices have either stayed the same or unbelievably sky rocketed. As a token of part of my support, I decided to start buying jeans that were "GREEN". However, little did I know, my thoughts would instantly change in the pump of a heartbeat after the experience in a pair of 69 dollar "GREEN"- jeans.
After trying on the "Green" jeans at the department store I decided to purchase them. I couldn't wait to take them home so I could wash and wear them the next day.
As soon as the next day arrived, I anxiously put the jeans on and felt they'd do the trick. When I looked in the mirror, satisfied, I knew my fiancé J.W. would get bugged eyed at these bad chickens. After all they made my butt look great.
As the day proceeded, I did a lot of walking, bending, and sitting in which I noticed, my pants getting loser and slightly falling off. I thought maybe this is normal or maybe I'm losing some inches or something. I even noticed while pulling my pants up from falling it would make a stretching rip noise, but as to my surprise there were no rips.
Later on that day after going home from a long day, I went in front of the mirror and noticed that my jeans really loosened up. My butt looked like I let it go, all flat and saggy. I was so embarrassed to know that I was walking around like that all day while thinking I looked supper sexy. I had the horrid thought of people quietly giggling to one another as saggy-pants waddled on by. In the meantime of the horrid thoughts, I quickly took them off before J.W. got home to confusingly see that my Ms. Tight-buns turned into Ms. Saggy-buns.
I then realized that jeans shrink the more you wash and dry them, so I washed them twice and of coursed dried them and decided to wear them the following weekend as it will was going to be time spent with the fiancé.
As the weekend approached, I put the jeans on completely forgetting about the last effect I had with them during the previous week. When I put on my pant's I noticed how much they have shrank. They were supper tight this time, but still looked sexy.
Dressed and ready, J.W. and I were ready to go grocery shopping. Wal-Mart is the place we shop for groceries to make up for other major expenses spent on other stuff.
As J.W. and I started our brisk shopping, I surprisingly noticed that my pants were staying fit and snug, a tad bit too snug it felt at times. In the mean time of feeling sexy about it, I did my little bends and shakes as I shopped to keep my man's attention on me and the food necessities.
After we were done shopping we found the shortest checkout line. When time came, J.W. and I started putting groceries on the moving counter. While J.W. was getting ready to pay, I told him I would get the rest, as in the stuff on the bottom of the cart. Confident and feeling relieved and sexy, I quickly bent down to get the rest of the stuff. All of a sudden the forceful blaring sound of a rip, a quick breeze across my rear and middle thigh, and the hysterical laughs behind me all hit me at once. I've never stood up so quick in my life. I then looked at J.W. with a face as red as a rose, while trying to cover the gigantic rip or hole in my pants and tried to whisper to J.W. what had happened in hopes that no one else would notice and look. Neither I nor J.W. had an extra piece of clothing to cover my behind. However, astounding as it is, I wasn't the only one who heard the rip and the hysterical laughter. The cashier was fully aware in which HE, yes HE, offered a plastic sack to cover up with.
I was SO embarrassed I didn't know what to do or what to think, but wait for J.W. to hurry up with paying. Finally as we quickly walked out the door, J.W. giggling and me holding a plastic sack over my butt with my face still red as a rose and a pumping heart; all I could think was this was the LAST pair of "Green" jeans I will EVER buy, especially for 69 dollars. Nevertheless, as an experience, this is by FAR the most embarrassing of ALL!
Dawn M. Pham
Essay 1
"Fathers"
...
Dawn M. Pham
Essay #3
2-22-09
"Meeting the love of my life"
"A Bar is not the place to meet the man you want to get serious with," or as strongly advised by my gal friends in which whom all have had bad experiences of their own bar-men.
Given the advice while going out to bars with my gal friends, I found myself doing quite well with keeping the temptation of those charming, promiscuous, and mysterious men at bay.
However, little did I know, a year later, our last bar stop for the evening would be our last, as Bar 19 was the place where I would not only have the experience of my life, but the night that has proven my gal friends experiences and advice wrong. A bar can be a place to meet the man you want to get serious with.
I can remember it as if it were yesterday. An eye popping, tall-masculine southern man with ΕΊ inch cut, dark brown hair had walked in the door as if things were in slow motion. Almost all the women including myself were gawking like little kids eye-balling a bowl full of scrumptious candy.
As self conscious as I was, I just set back while other women including my friends introduced themselves to the adorable man later known as J.W.
As surprising as it seemed, no one had any luck attracting this man of good-looks. All the girls figured that either he wasn't into women or he was just like one of those rude self centered men.
On the contrary, after suddenly having to use the ladies room in which was in the direction of where J.W. sat, I nervously walked in that direction trying not to look interested. As I approached to pass J.W., I hear a deep manly voice say hello. I couldn't help but look up and notice that the deep manly voice came from J.W. Speechless and weak in the knees, I just smiled and passed by.
While in the ladies room I suddenly and unusually noticed a twitch of butterflies in my stomach. After what was mentioned by the other girls, I couldn't help, but assume that it was a good sign.
Refreshed and ready to head back out to the table with the girls, once nervous and now anxious, I walked out knowing I was going to pass J.W. again. As I walked out passed J.W., he had eagerly asked me if I was too good to say hello.
With all the fuzzy feelings rushing through my body, I told him no and decided to stop and chatter.
As we talked about everything and anything, I noticed a development of chemistry as it was obvious J.W. did as well. It was quite obvious as we rambled on that this was not just any ordinary conversation as things exceeded to get personal. Words are undesirable as to how I felt the longer I talked to this heart throbbing man. At the same time, I was hoping he was feeling the same. As the bar closed, with still so much stuff to talk about, so we decided to have breakfast at Denny's. We went in my car as his friend in which he arrived with at the bar, decided to go with his new girl friend.
When we arrived at Denny's, we talked and laughed about all kinds of things. I, on the other hand, ended up doing most of the talking over breakfast, because for some reason my chatter box switch would just not shut up. It was a good breakfast even though I didn't eat much. When the waiter brought the check, I quickly grabbed it and kept a hold of it until we were headed out the door. J.W. insisted that I give him the check, but as independent and stubborn that I was, I refused. J.W. handsomely grinned at my soberness refusal and dropped 5 dollars on the table with 2 simple words, "fair enough."
As I drove J.W. back to his hotel, all I could think about was how much I didn't want the moment or the night/morning to end. Disappointed, I knew that being he was from out of state, I wouldn't see him again.
As he got slowly got out of the vehicle, shutting the door behind him, he paused, stuck his head through the window and thanked me for breakfast. With a few seconds of silence, J.W. adoringly stared at me, and boldly, yet kindly asked if I wanted to come up. I paused for a minute and knew right then and there, he did feel the same way I did...or did he? Either way, I felt like being risky at that moment and decided to go up with him.
When we got up to the room, we sat down and chit-chatted a little more. As oddly unsurprised, our chit-chatting later on ended up turning into a HOT and heavy hourly moment. Everything felt so right. Even though I was with a complete stranger, I felt like I knew this man my whole life.
Later on before we got a little shut eye, I just had to ask if he felt the same way, but before I could, he beat me to it. His words taken right out of my mouth, had taken my breath away. I lay there tightly held in J.W.'s arms wishing that this moment never end.
As 7:00 rolled around the corner, J.W. woke me up with a soft kiss and told me, he had to go to work and then gently whispered in my ear to go back to sleep as he knew I was tired.
Later on that day I headed back to my gal friends house to spend the day and share the news. When I got there we went out to lunch and discussed the whole night that they all thought they would have had happen. After discussing the fact and belief that the relationship wouldn't work, given the situation, I still fantasized the recap of the previous night and wished that it could.
To make a long story short: I unexpectedly received a call from J.W. later on that evening, asking me if I wanted to have dinner with him. Crazed and thoughtfully in love, I agreed.
From then on, lonely nights soon turned into romantic and heavy dating. When time came for J.W. to have to leave the state, he asked me to go with him. So again crazed and thoughtfully in love, I said yes.
As my gal friends had already sworn up and down that our relationship would not work, being that we met at a bar, they further insisted leaving the state was even more worrisome and unbelievable.
As 3 years and an engagement ring later, J.W.'s love and affection for me as mine for him is still as strong, if not stronger, for one another as it was when we first met. All being said and done, my friends have been proven wrong. A bar actually can be a place to meet the man you want to get serious with.
These essays already seem fairly solid. They are detailed, with fairly strong style and grammar. The second one is probably the weakest, in terms of meeting the listed criteria for marking. For each essay, you are supposed to "Determine the purpose and audience of the paper." Its fairly obvious that the first essay would be of interest to anyone considering buying Green Jeans. The third one might be of interest to single women contemplating the bar scene. The second one, though, while heartfelt, seems to have no particular audience in mind. Could you maybe revise it to focus on the weaknesses of the court system in general, while still using your fiancee's specific experience as an example?
Check for verb tense agreement. For example:
Out on my own, and making my own money, I soon realized that I had become a fanatic on buying expensive jeans.
Check spelling: supper sexy
Instead of 69 dollars, write: sixty-nine dollars
The first essay seems to have a moral to the story, but you should introduce that lesson that comes from it when you write the first paragraph. Introduce the theme. Otherwise, for most of the essay your reader is wondering why it is mostly about your legs, etc.
Then, reflect on that theme at the end. Remember, you need to clearly know your purpose.
My parents divorced soon after I turned four years old.
Wow, I really like this second essay, but I think it needs a theme, like the first one. It is just a story right now, but it is a meaningful story. Let the story support an essay that is about a certain principle, a certain value or understanding that is behind it. Give a sentence or two in the intro to tell the reader about this meaningful truth conveyed by the story you are about to tell. Then, refer back to it at the end.
However, little did I know, a year later our final bar stop for the evening would be our last; as Bar 19 was the place where I would not only have the experience of my life, but the night that has proven wrong the advice of my gal friends.
". . . in which whomwho have allegedly kidnapped their child or children."
"That is to say that shortly after, my thoughts would come to an answer while" Too wordy. Try "I now know that at least sometimes, the latter is true,"
"Those of whomwhich followed " As in the previous example involving "whom," "who" is actually correct here. The two words cause a lot of confusion for some reason. Really, the distinction is quite simple. "Who" is the subjective form, while "whom" is the objective form. So, "who" is like "he," "she," and "I" (words which don't give anyone much trouble), while "whom" is like "him," "her," and "me." In this case, you would say "he followed," not, "him followed," so "who" is correct.
"all in whichof whom were female" And here "whom" is correct, because "all of them" were female.
"not even of a man of which whomwho is a DARN GOOD father."
"and avoid J.W.'s visitation rights,in which were violating the legal child custody papers."
You might not want to mention the whole kidnapping thing, as it sort of makes it sound as if you and your fiance are contemplating doing something extremely illegal. Hopefully you're not, but either way you probably don't want to give that impression.
I think all in all, you have a distinctive writing style that's not painful to read, which is good because that's the most important element of an essay.
At the same time, I think it's safe to say that you're a bit too candid and portray yourself as somewhat neurotic. We all have our idiosyncracies but sometimes it's best not to mention them in all their glory, or at least try to streamline them so the reader doesn't become uncomfortable and feel as though they are too familiar with you, if that's possible just by reading your essay.
Give it your style with a few quirks, but don't make it more personal than it has to be, especially because some professors will judge what you say subconsciously and it might adversely affect your relationship.
I'm going to be honest myself, I feel that your first essay is not only insipid, but worse, redundantly insipid.
Your second essay probably has the best stuff but you need to develop a stringent cable-wire that carries it all the way through. You could very easily start out with your father who abandoned you, talk at length about how it affected you personally. Describe what you thought would be your lasting impression of men, then devote a section to your fiance and all his good qualities and how he changed your outlook on men. Then bring it back all the way around and show how men are treated unfairly in court on issues of child custody etc etc. It would be an accurate depiction of the court system and you could depict some unique aspects that help us to see that. In the end, point out the ex-wife, the villian, highlight the great man among a group of great men you didn't knew existed, and you have a pretty tight essay.
Your third essay I rank as 2 out of 3 because it is a major life event and salvages what would otherwise be another essay 1. We need to feel that we didn't waste our time reading these essays. Believe me when I say it's better to emphasize a good theme with little detail than vice versa. Your profesor will regard more highly an essay that shows critical thinking skills and analysis as opposed to one that spews at the mouth. The point in writing these essays is to develop your ability to convey your important thoughts and ideas to us. It is not something where we necessarily want to hear about unimportant details that are loosely scattered about with no rhyme or reason, and we end up feeling that we didn't enrich our minds but instead added more pointless traffic to our short term memory. Unless it is a narrative essay, and you can make things really interesting for our leisure, my opinion is that it's best to stick to a "thesis" and push that thesis no matter what it is. We will probably be compelled to think about your thesis, whatever it is, and that's more than you can say for reading an unimaginative crack at a narrative.
Wow, I really like the essay called "Fathers." About the other two, I have to disagree with Mustafa's harsh critique. Insipid means boring, as far as I know, and it is not boring... and I don't know what "redundantly" boring could mean... boring twice? Maybe he meant to say that the essay included points that were mentioned more than once, and that that made it boring. At any rate, what is insipid to one person is interesting to another person.
I also think that if you are going to call you neurotic it should be backed up with reasoning that pertans to some form of neurosis. He said you let the reader get to know you "too well," and I have never heard of that being a fault in an essay.
Good luck!!!
I suspect that Mustafa's reaction to the essays is actually proof that you have done a good job in writing for a specific audience. That audience seems to be younger, single, women (even though you are not single yourself). I'm guessing Mustafa is not a younger single woman, and so it is unsurprising that he would find the topics insipid. Really, anyone who isn't interested in finding jeans that make them look sexy or in finding true love with a guy they met a bar isn't likely to be personally taken with the essays. Fortunately, some of us understand that just because a particular essay isn't aimed at us, it could still be interesting to its intended audience.
Are you serious? I have 3 sisters and enough [white] female friends.
I can't imagine any of them would be interested in these essays.
If by "younger" you mean hopeless, "single" you mean single for a reason, and "women" you mean gay women for all their functionality, you hit the bulls eye.
No, it's about being able to identify with a certain disposition or sequence of thoughts. It's about capturing a little bit of your own subjective experience, that meaningful alchemy of past experience clashing against the present moment, and expressing something real about yourself without fear of having someone ridicule you out of sport.
Just like the big kid in high school likes to get in fights because it's what he's good at, the wordsmith likes to start arguments. That's why I told you, use your powers for good!
Mustafa is talented.
