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STELLAR ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE IN THE AISSE - Penn State Application Personal Statement



Nilesh99 1 / 1  
Jul 15, 2015   #1
Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.

"WITH GREAT PLEASURE, I HEREBY HONOR NILESH MANDAL FOR HIS STELLAR ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE IN THE AISSE (ALL INDIA SENIOR SECONDARY EXAMINATION). I WISH HIM SUCCESS IN EVERY STEP OF HIS LIFE".

After hearing that, I felt that my years of struggle and hard work had finally paid off. With tears of happiness rushing down from my eyes, I gave an impromptu speech in front of the whole nation.

After my grandfather exiled us out of the house, right after I was born, I, along with my mother and father,started living in a remote village from Kolkata, where the light of education had not yet reached. In such a village, most of the people were illiterate, superstitious, and conventional. They had no dreams and education was a far cry for them. The villagers had a very parochial view of life. They had only one goal---"Plough and live". People who had dreams and tried to live as per their wish, instead of being exhorted, were actually pulled down by the villagers, and even, I was no exception.

When I started going to a good school in the city(next to the village), the villagers started to look at me with disdain, as if, I had done something horrible. However, I didn't care about what others thought of me and continued my studies. Although I somehow managed to get past class 9 without facing some serious problems, I faced a major problem in class 10. Because the village had no libraries, I had no access to some updated books and official tests, required for my upcoming board exams. So, smart phone (with internet) was my only hope and source to get some of them.However, as I started using smar tphone, I became a victim of the villagers' pranks and bullies.

Because using technologies was against the conventions of the villagers, they included me in their hot list. I was already having a hard time to continue my studies in the shades of the village, and this event made the situation even worse. No matter where I went in the village, I was called SPOILED. I was even seen as a TRAITOR for breaking the norms and was deprived from playing with other boys of the village. Such actions had such an impact on my life that they messed up my studies and peaceful sleeps. My mom, who was worried about my board exams next month, advised me not to pay attention to third parties and focus on studies. However, it was easier said than done. The resistance of the villagers to my studies and use of modern technology, like smart phones,was continuously increasing. My father's negotiations with the villagers failed as they restricted me from using my smart phone because, in their opinion, technology was BALEFUL.

Seeing my exams were knocking at the door, I decided to make the villagers' lift up their restrictions.However, even after searching for a while in my biology book, I failed to find any medicine that could be helpful to me. Finally, after spending countless sleepless nights, I discovered the medicine,which could actually cure the TECHNOLOGY ALLERGY of the villagers. I, along with my school and two others, organized a seminar and awareness program to make the villagers aware about the stupidity of their deep-rooted traditions. Although we were not 100% successful, we were at least able to make the villagers aware that technology wasn't harmful.

Right after the seminar ended, my phone rang and I heard an angry, yet worried voice, "STOP SPENDING TIME IN SEMINAR ALREADY AND COME HOME QUICKLY!! YOUR EXAMS ARE STARTING IN 3 DAYS!!" After hearing the familiar voice of my mother, I realized that I was running out of time, and a dark cloud of anxiety started swirling over my head as I remembered about my exams. However, I believed in myself and, within the limited time, somehow finished my preparations and gave the exams.

On the day the results were declared, I was late in waking up from my sleep. However, as I was moving down the stairs, I was surprised at the sight before me. Our house, which hardly had any guests, was filled with news reporters! For a moment, I was scared, but finally pulled myself together and moved downstairs. Eventually, much to my surprise, I was my mom told me that I scored cent percent marks and was the state topper and, thus, everyone came to congratulate me. She also told me that I was invited to attend the "Honoring the Scholars" ceremony in Delhi, the next day. So, I flew to Delhi with my parents, where the President honored me with a Gold Medal for my performance in the AISSE.Hence, THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT will always be indelible to me because,despite having scarce resources, opportunities and facing numerous barriers and resistances along the way, I didn't give up and, by believing in myself till the very end, achieved what I yearned for-------NATIONAL RECOGNITION.

Guys, this is the essay I prepared for the common app. But Penn state doesn't take common app essays in its spring intake. So I will be grateful if someone can help me to modify my essay according to the prompt.

Thank You. Every help will be appreciated.

lcturn87 - / 423  
Jul 15, 2015   #2
I will help to assist you. Your writing is very descriptive. I could easily understand what you faced as a reader. This is an important quality to have even if there are errors present in your writing. I am going to help you condense or shorten your writing. First, I will begin by stating that you need to consider what details are more important to your story. This will be very difficult to decide. Let me give you a few questions to help you.

1) When you discuss the medicine in your biology book, is this a significant detail to include since you discuss technology?
2) After your seminar ended, could you exclude the dialogue you had over the phone and begin discussing that you took the examination?
3) If you end with national recognition, then will you forget to mention your desire to attend the university?

These are questions that will help you exclude or delete information. Also,what details will be vital to tell your story? At the end of your essay you should have at least some sentences that detail how this experience will reflect positively on your ability to succeed at the university. You mention that you didn't give up and believed in yourself. What will happen when you attend this university? Will you still believe in yourself? Has having little educational resources taught you the value of having resources and given you a determination to succeed in your continued studies? You will need a sentence that discusses how individuals can make the best of a bad situation and triumph in the future. Negative situations like you experienced don't have to define you, but could make you better or more determined to succeed.

Here are a few more suggestions:
1) Make sure you are at 500 words or less
2) I want you to revise this sentences in which you place parenthesis around words. When I started going to a good school in the city,next to the village, the villagers started to look at me with disdain. So, a smartphone, with the internet, was my only hope and source to get some of them. Place "a" before smartphone in the next sentence.
OP Nilesh99 1 / 1  
Jul 16, 2015   #3
I revised it and changed the conclusion and excluded the details you told me to. Still, its 650 words.

After my grandfather exiled us out of the house, right after I was born, I, along with my mother and father, started living in a remote village from Kolkata, where the light of education had not yet reached. In such a village, most of the people were illiterate, superstitious, and conventional. They had no dreams and education was a far cry for them. The villagers had a very parochial view of life. They had only one goal---"Plough and live". People who had dreams and tried to live as per their wish, instead of being exhorted, were actually pulled down by the villagers, and even, I was no exception.

When I started going to a good school in the city, next to the village, the villagers started to look at me with disdain, as if, I had done something horrible. However, I didn't care about what others thought of me and continued my studies. Although I somehow managed to get past class 9 without facing some serious problems, I faced a major problem in class 10. Because the village had no libraries, I had no access to some updated books and official tests, required for my upcoming board exams. So, a smart phone, with the internet, was my only hope and source to get some of them. However, as I started using smart phone, I became a victim of the villagers' pranks and bullies.

Because using technologies was against the conventions of the villagers, they included me in their hot list. I was already having a hard time to continue my studies in the shades of the village, and this event made the situation even worse. No matter where I went in the village, I was called SPOILED. I was even seen as a TRAITOR for breaking the norms and was deprived from playing with other boys of the village. Such actions had such an impact on my life that they messed up my studies and peaceful sleeps. My mom, who was worried about my board exams next month, advised me not to pay attention to third parties and focus on studies. However, it was easier said than done. The resistance of the villagers to my studies and use of modern technology, like smart phones, was continuously increasing. My father's negotiations with the villagers failed as they restricted me from using my smart phone because, in their opinion, technology was BALEFUL.

Seeing my exams were knocking at the door, I decided to make the villagers' lift up their restrictions. So, I, along with my school and two others, organized a seminar and awareness program to make the villagers aware about the stupidity of their deep-rooted traditions. Although we were not 100% successful, we were at least able to make the villagers aware that technology wasn't harmful.

Right after the seminar ended, I got a call from my mother which made me realize that I was running out of time, and a dark cloud of anxiety started swirling over my head as I remembered about my exams. However, I believed in myself and, within the limited time, somehow finished my preparations and gave the exams, and scored cent percent marks, thereby getting honored by the President.

Hence, owing to all of the of the challenges that I have faced in my life in order to get to this point, I feel that I am well prepared for the academic and social challenges that Penn State will throw my way. Throughout my life, I have learned that individuals can make the best of a bad situation and triumph in the future. After all, negative situations, like what I have faced, don't define us, but definitely makes us stronger. By not giving up and believing in myself under the arsenal of resistances and lack of resources, I have learned the importance of determination, which has prepared me for this moment in my life. I know that the perfect combination of my past, present, and future experiences will translate into my successful academic career at Penn State.

So, how is it?


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