Hi, i need help with re-reading my essay for the common app personal essay. there are 2 categories i can fit this in i think. can you please read the topics and the essay, and give me your feedback with any changes you guys recommend. thanks alot for you help
Option #3. Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
or
Option #4. Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
Steve Jobs once said "Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle." As a young shy boy from Brooklyn, New York, this one quote from Steve Jobs has changed the way I believe and see opportunities. Thinking the world is a small place and that there are not many opportunities out there that I can pursue and accomplish, I was ready to give up and settle for what I was receiving, until I heard about Steve Jobs' "story" and his road to success.
Steve, a boy who was given up for adoption at birth by his parents, believed that there was more to life, and when you persuade something you love and passion, you will be able to reach the highest point. That's exactly what he managed to do. Steve launched one of the largest industries of the past decade creating phenomenal computers, phones, music devices and personal tablets. He saw genius in his craziness, believed in himself, believed in his vision and he was constantly prepared to defend those ideas. He would ask himself every morning 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?'
A way Steve has affected me is by changing the way I see new obstacles and my way of approaching them. His wise words have taught me to put my heart in everything I do, even if it may not be appealing at first, it gets better later on with rewards that are outstanding. Always approaching the world with a smile and a positive attitude can lead to great success.
While at my first karate promotion, I had gotten to the point where I felt as if I had screwed up tremendously and there was no way I would be promoted to the next belt and that I should just quit now. But, remembering Steve Jobs' quote, I had thought to myself that if I was to give up at this moment, I might never be able to reach that black belt I am dreaming for and tomorrow when I wake up, I will regret this moment and wish I could come back and change it. You can't change your past but you can always show improvement for the future. With that in mind, I used every last bit of energy I had, and with a little bit of passion, I was able to complete the remaining tasks and take my blue belt home with me.
I am not very good at college essay, but I hope my comment will help.
According to the lady at the career center at my school, college admission give you all kind of topics for the essays, but what they want to know is you. So everything must be clear. And I guess, at the very beginning of the essay, you need to be "catchy" by saying something unique about you, no one else.
Your essay, Steve Jobs's quote was about 30% of your essay and his accomplishment is another 30%. College don't want to know about Steve Jobs. I suggest you start with similar idea as the third paragraph and begin to work from there. Tell them what changes occur in you rather than what changes you.
Hope I helped.
