FSU essay; strength within

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life

During my third gym class at a brand new school, Coach Carol revealed the two team captains for the day, indicating that we were splitting up into teams. While all the other kids rejoiced at this opportunity, it made me shrink in despair. At the tender age of eleven, my fear was being picked last amongst my peers. To make my nightmares worse, I barely had any friends in that class due to my introverted personality. The team captains made their rounds again and again, until there were four people left, and I was one of them them. After three more decisions by the team captains, my nightmare became reality. I was standing on the other side alone. My peers didn't want me on their teams.

I dreaded gym class after that day. I hated the feeling of being last, even if it was in an area I did not excel at. I knew that sports were not my forte, but I also knew that I could contribute to the team is I tried. Convincing my peers became the daunting task I undertook, but days passed without any progress. I realized that it was my self esteem that was lacking, so I decided to be develop optimistic attitude about it, feeling that if I held enough confidence within then I would be able to exude that confidence and apply it to the game.

On one particular day, Coach Carol announced that we would be playing kickball. Once again, I was picked last, but I wouldn't allow it to set me back. When it was my turn to kick, I stepped up to the plate, winded my leg back, and kick the ball with force equivalent to the emotions I felt. To my utter surprise, the ball got pretty far, and I made a home run. In the end, my team won, and I knew I had proved myself as a capable player.

The point is not the fact that I suddenly became an all star athlete overnight, or the fact that I was unpopular in gym class, it's the fact that I was able to succeed by having a 'can-do' attitude. This simple incident exemplifies the similar belief both I and Florida State University's Seminoles share. Vires, the principal of strength in all aspects, helped me attain my goal of defeating my own fear. The strength I applied in order to improve, the strength I put forth to overcome a set back, the strength I garnered to display my confidence, and the strength I acquired to continue striving for success exemplified Vires as a guiding philosophy in my life from that moment on.

I honestly whipped this essay up in twenty minutes, and the more I read it the more I'm unsure about it. Is this essay straying to far from the topic? I don't know if I should introduce "vires" in the first paragraph or not...

I like how you focused on one of the words but your narrative needs some work.

During my third gym class at a brand new schoolYou do not need to say that it was your third gym class. I am not sure that this sentence is interesting enough for your first sentence , Coach Carol revealed the two team captains for the day, indicating that we were splitting up into teams. While all the other kids rejoiced at this opportunityWhy would they rejoice? , it made me shrink in despair. At the tender age of eleven, my fear was being picked last amongst my peers.At the tender age of eleven? What does that have to do with your fear? Why are they in one setence together? To make my nightmares worse, I barely had any friends in that class due to my introverted personality. The team captains made their rounds again and again, until there were four people left, and I was one of them them. After three more decisions by the team captains, my nightmare became reality. I was standing on the other side alone. My peers didn't want me on their teams.


I don't understand. You feel that you exhibit a "can-do" attitude because of this event? I would say that your home run was luck and not dedication since you were surprised yourself.

"I dreaded gym class after that day. I hated the feeling of being last, even if it was in an area I did not excel at. I knew that sports were not my forte, but I also knew that I could contribute to the team is I tried. Convincing my peers became the daunting task I undertook, but days passed without any progress. I realized that it was my self esteem that was lacking, so I decided to be develop optimistic attitude about it, feeling that if I held enough confidence within then I would be able to exude that confidence and apply it to the game."

I wonder what tipped your canoe? What made you so frustrated that you decided to change? It would have been easier to remain introverted but why choose the harder path to change yourself? You have had so many gym classes in which you were horrible at the sports played and yet you choose this instant to change. Why?


I really dislike this sentence. The fact is that you use "the fact" so much the reader gets pretty agitated, and that's a fact. You do not need to explain yourself. If you feel that the reader does not understand the point of your essay then I would make it more obvious rather than putting an explanation as to your intentions.

Overall your essay is on topic. However it is boring. Very boring. At least for me.

No, please don't. Believe me, FSU admissions officers don't need to hear you explain Vires before launching into what you have to say. The problem with this essay is that, although the story is apt to the prompt, it is slight. You tell one anecdote from childhood. Is kicking a ball really hard the only example of strength you have from your whole life? Better to tell that story more briefly and then go on to illustrate how such strength has characterized your life thereafter.

Personally, I feel that it would be better if you specify which word (in this case Vires) you are going to write about. It helps set the theme of the essay.


One incident does not really shows how strength is reflected in your life. Perhaps you can quote more experiences to illustrate the different types of strength (moral,intellectual etc.) you have shown.

Maybe a more recent experience?