"Always striving for better and greater" - look over my UC application

Be as strong of a grader as possible critique everything and anything you feel needs changing. I need as many corrections as you can. and I only have 386 words to work with.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

We go through life day by day moment by moment and that's life. It isn't necessarily boring but it is definitely not exciting. Now, let us say that you have just been diagnosed with a life long illness. The illness is incurable, and causes you extreme suffering each and every day. The strongest medications barely take the edge off and you continue to suffer. Everyone expresses their sympathies to you on a daily basis and all you can do is think of the pain you endure, your life is now no longer boring. This is my life and will be my life for days to come as I will probably never see or come into a cure for my disease because I suffer from Systemic Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. This experience of lifelong disability has given me one of the greatest qualities of my life, something that without it I could never be the person I am today or the future person I am to become. Perseverance is the definition of my life. I was told I would never amount to anything in my life because this illness, this disease, this disability would hold me so far back that achieving my goals and becoming successful would be impossible. I had no intention of accepting this brim reality and I still have no intention of accepting such a reality, so I took upon myself some of the most unthinkable dreams for any child at the age of 13 with Systemic Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. I set a course of rigorous schoolwork taking honors, AP, and IB courses to prove to those that said I would never succeed I can hang with the best and be better than the rest. My perseverance has allowed me to accomplish goals, enter the work force, and seek higher education from a young teenager to the almost adult I am today. Due to perseverance today I am always striving for better and greater, and I have yet to settle for the easy road and I still persevere to accomplish my goals no matter how disabled I become.

It's not feasible to post criticism about everything that needs changing, even if time wasn't an issue; your essay would get hacked to pieces and dismembered until it was no longer recognizable.

You can't seriously expect what you ask for and make it so undesirable for someone to do as you ask.

I was going to shred the weak opening until I read that you have Still's disease. The opening could be suitable as it is, lulling the reader into a state of dormancy, but it needs to be more concise.

Depending on how you feel, the mood of the essay can closely accord.

If you're bitter, cut out: "Now, let us say that you have just been diagnosed with a life long illness. The illness is incurable, and causes you extreme suffering each and every day. The strongest medications barely take the edge off and you continue to suffer. Everyone expresses their sympathies to you on a daily basis and all you can do is think of the pain you endure, your life is now no longer boring."

Now ratchet up the tone with a succession of strong emotion, fulminating as you see fit.

Or if you are indifferent, squeeze the essay until it's dry.
Or if you are happy, marginalize your affliction and express gratitude.

Right now I think the essay is somber -- moderately hopeful.

I like your your reply, I like the way you talk about your disease and turn it from a misfortune to a strong motivation.

But maybe, this is my own opinion only, the opening is in present tense might set the readers off a little bit. Do you still feel bitter now, even with all the things you thrived for? Because with all the achievements I've accomplished, your disease has acted rather as some luck, because for some people, all they need is motivation, you're lucky you have one, and it teaches you a bigger lesson about life.

I agree with Mustafa1991 :D I'd love to see a strong and optimistic person in this situation. =] I wish you best luck. I still like your response. I can feel the determination. ;]

thanks a lot guys i like the emotion idea mustafa. ima see what i can do with that. (expressing my emotions isnt a strong point so . . . . u know ima do my best in that sense.)

something that threw me off was that you got still's disease from the essay? idk if u read it wrong or something but is it that misleading as to what i have? (Systemic Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis)

hanhdung i don't understand what you mean with present tense statement, throwing people off. Like i should set it in past or the future? i am unsure as to what you were saying.

Oh, sr, I am not being clear myself =.= Because I think the fact abt your disease is discovered in the past, but you're talking about a third person, so maybe Im wrong, Im not very good at all these grammar things. =P

I gotta google your disease to find out what it is =D Hope you're doing well.

Day by day, life isn't necessarily boring, but it is definitely not exciting for most of us. Now, let us say that one has just been diagnosed with a life-long illness. The illness is incurable, and it causes you extreme suffering each and every day. The strongest medications barely take the edge off , and you continue to suffer. Everyone expresses their sympathies to you on a daily basis , and all you can do is think of the pain you endure. Your life is now no longer boring. -----> This is an important insight! End the paragraph here.

Start a new paragraph: This is my life and will be...

Perseverance is the theme of my life.

thank you for your input :)

the colloquial writing style is great! Kinda confusing and obfuscates the point you're trying to make when changing the point of views. You give great elevated feeling to your writing, but try not to make to too high. that's the mistake i made...