"a strong campus community and freedom" - Why Brown Essay - help?

For as long as I can remember, I have gone to a big school. A school where classes were big enough that kids could sleep in the back the whole period without the teacher noticing, or put their ipod headphones in and cover them with their hair. I could have switched to a smaller private school, but I always feared that along with the uniforms I would lose the privilege of creative expression, that I would be forced to convene to even stricter standards. I am drawn to Brown because of its combination of a strong campus community and the freedom to create a curriculum you feel would challenge you best, with guidance from faculty members. Brown also has many community service opportunities at its and diverse global study abroad programs. Both community service and traveling and learning about other cultures have always been very important to me. For these reasons, I feel that Brown would be a great college for me, and that I would be a good fit for Brown.

help please? feel like this essay is very weak.

A school where classes were big enough for kids to sleep in the back the whole period without the teachers' notice
of a strong campus community
I think the essay is not convincing...

Do you see that this sentence is not complete?

A school where classes were big enough that kids could sleep in the back the whole period without the teacher noticing, or put their ipod headphones in and cover them with their hair.---It is long and interesting, but you have to be able to recognize when a sentence has no predicate. In a formal academic essay like this, you can't do that. In a novel or short story it is okay. But here... use a dash to fix it:

For as long as I can remember, I have gone to a big school -- a school where classes ...


I don't like this. It is simple and nonspecific. In order to distinguish yourself, you need to really develop your plan for the future. A person with a detailed plan is impressive. A person with short term goals, self-imposed deadlines, and a real vision of the future is impressive.


That is okay! When I write it is weak sometimes, but I KNOW it is weak. You will also KNOW when you have that energy of inspiration.

So, begin with one word. What is the perfect word to capture your vision of the future?

What is the perfect sentence to express your truth, your meaning.