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Her Struggle, a poor Haitian teenager - UCF



ascholaruknow 1 / -  
Sep 13, 2009   #1
This is my rough draft for the UCF App essay
2. How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?

To a poor Haitian teenager, the land of America might seem almost heavenly. Still, the fact that only an hour and a half hour plane ride separates your war-torn nation from a powerful and culturally rich superpower- can easily invoke a sense of disdain in the souls of those Haitians dwelling in horrid shantytowns. It can either invoke scorn, or stir up desire in the hearts of those in the most trying conditions. There are very few who have been able to rise up out of those conditions to not only better themselves, but also better those around them. My mother is an example of those very few individuals able to rise oneself out of the perils of the downtrodden, and become a firm base of influence for those whom strive to do the same. Through both charity and family dedication, my mother has been a solid source of inspiration not only for myself, but also for the countless orphans and conflicted youths in Haiti.

As aforementioned, at a young age, my mother was a victim to the impoverished lifestyle, which was all too prevalent in her native land of Haiti. Faced with the possibility of enduring a life of constant and cruel hardships, my mother sought to achieve greater things. Through a passion for Theology and Foreign Languages, my mother was able to achieve the academic marks needed to be awarded a scholarship for enrollment at a small women's only "liberal arts" college in New York. My mother often says ", the only two things I had in common with my classmates when I came to America was; our love for Michael Jackson, and the fact that we were all female." Despite facing incredible culture shock, my mother was yet again able to preserve and graduate with honors in multiple Foreign Languages. After completion of school, my mother was given the fruitful opportunity of embarking on a career path in the Foreign Language field of post-secondary education. Instead, my mother opted for a far less paying profession in social work. Over the course of my lifetime, I have come to respect my mother's career choice, although it has not always been best for our family's financial situation. Throughout her years of intellectual self-progression and introspective development, my mother has never forgotten those whom find themselves in oppressed circumstances in her native Haiti. Even without weighty paychecks, my mother has consistently and whole-heartedly donated large amounts to charities that help children of her homeland, presenting them with better prospects of rising above, as she did.

To call my mother the "guiding light" of my life, would be an incredible understatement. By way of her undeniably exceptional accommodation for myself, I've been blessed to live a lifestyle similar to that of my peers. Through her effective motivation, I've been driven to better myself, and hopefully my ancestral homeland, through the field of Economics. My mother is more than my mother, she's more than my mom- she is my everything.

tkkt1 11 / 47  
Sep 13, 2009   #2
This is a beautifully written story of your mother. However the prompt asks how she influenced you. There is very few sentences that mention how she has influenced you. Emphasize how her experience has made an impact on you. Hope this will improve your essay. Good luck!
EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Sep 16, 2009   #3
This is a very strong essay. I like how you weave the Haitian political and economic situation into your own story. But the essay feels curiously lifeless to me, even though your mother's life and work includes a good deal of drama. Work on adding imagery, using active verbs, and getting rid of empty modifiers such as "incredibly."
kenziii 7 / 32  
Sep 16, 2009   #4
It seems like you have a rich history base, but this is all about your mother. The prompt is asking how this Haiti heritage effects YOU.

-Over the course of my lifetime, I have come to respect my mother's career choice, although it has not always been best for our family's financial situation.

-To call my mother the "guiding light" of my life, would be an incredible understatement.
-I've been blessed to live a lifestyle similar to that of my peers. Through her effective motivation, I've been driven to better myself, and hopefully my ancestral homeland, through the field of Economics. My mother is more than my mother, she's more than my mom- she is my everything.

These are the only tidbits of information you give admissions; you want them to accept you, not your mother! How has your mother influenced you? How are you going to better yourself? How are you going to better Haiti? If you are a low income application, you could work that angle as well.

Expand, expand, expand! This is a good start.


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