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'struggling reading defenses' - Common App Supplement Question



QB5 1 / -  
Oct 24, 2011   #1
125 words or less and I have 141 and having trouble cutting it down... help?

Question:
Meliora: 'Ever better' - The University's motto, Meliora, directs our focus toward continual improvement through research, understanding, and collaborative efforts. Offer an example from your personal experience of an obstacle you faced or a problem you identified. Describe the actions you took and the result.

Statement:
After an entire season of practices and games, I was still struggling reading defenses. Improving this skill before my senior season was paramount as the problem was more than my own, it impacted the entire team. As research resources were limited, I relied heavily on the internet. Although I uncovered great articles and videos, my learning was limited as these where one way conversations. The needle in the haystack was discovered when I came across a website containing more than just topical information; it was offering the ability to collaborate. Emails lead to phone calls and before long, Skype became our virtual classroom. The recognition of my need to gain an understanding beyond self-learning created a working relationship with an ex-NFL quarterback that has not only greatly improved my ability to read a defense, but a reliable contributor towards my desire to continuously improve.

doortothe 2 / 5  
Oct 24, 2011   #2
Here's a great way to reduce word count, get rid of passive sentences! The best way to do this is to cut down on the amount of "be" words that you use. You use at least one of these in the first couple of sentences in your paragraph. Getting rid of "be" words will solve at least 75% of your passive sentences problem, at least according to my English teacher. An easy way to find these is to use the Find function in Microsoft Word, go into advanced options, click the "all word forms" checkbox, type in "be", make sure "highlight all" is checked, and let Word do its magic!

If that doesn't work, try finding ways to get rid of your extra phrases, like the one at the beginning of your third sentence, or find ways to 'combine' phrases so one phrase says two things, allowing you to get rid of the other.


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