I am not sure if this is "personal" enough..
Am I "telling" more than "showing"?
Please give me any feedbacks!
Thank you!
Sounds of breathing broke the hovering silence. Mechanical, rough "pshh.. psha..." following the rhythm of my heartbeat. Each part of my body floated in the midst of darkness. Milky Way trailed the movements of my hands and fins. Universe, yes, only the view of the universe from the space shuttle would compare to this. Sprinkles of light, and then again the dark deep silence came. Time really does get lost, when the reality is mixed with the surreal.
"Tik, Tik...", metal beating on another metal. I looked instantly towards the direction of the sound. Flashlights lit the dark one by one. I saw six divers in awe, along with my instructor Doug afar with the rod in his right hand. I flashed my left hand signaling okay. Six okay signals back, then the instructor gave me an okay sign-good to go. Conscious slow fin kicks, as if they were worried waking the fish from their nap, continued our venture through the sleepy underwater world. Corals lively waved as we glided pass them, and night creatures crept out of their rock crack shelters. Many of those six student divers will not forget the fear, thrill, and illusive sparkles of their first night dive.
"Bioluminecence, that's what those are," my first instructor Jimmy told me three summers ago, in inky lukewarm water, waist deep. I struggled adjusting the buoyancy and held tight on my buddy's arm the whole time that night, frightened that I might get lost in that unknown world, but when I surfaced after thirty minutes my face was glowing, exhilarated. Fright or anxiety has never stopped my desire to explore the unknown. I know I won't be satisfied unless I try out and see it for myself. So I gather myself together, and jump in with my whole self.
Venture into this wonderfully strange world turned out to be especially fruitful. Since my first dive more then three years ago, SCUBA has given me more than I could have ever imagined. It took me to places, underwater and beyond. It brought me adventures, plenty to learn and satisfied my endless curiosity. It opened up opportunities to meet people from diverse backgrounds, ethnicity, and age. One certification led to another, and finally I stand here now with over 70 logged dives and leading roles in the diving world. Certification in Underwater Photography gave me chance to work with a professional underwater photographer and an underwater model in Saipan last summer. Dive Masters Internship in British Virgin Islands gave me the opportunities to share my passion and visions with many others my age while living together on a boat for 17 days.
In those years, breathing underwater has become my second nature and my addiction to the ocean is ever-growing. Ocean lovers like I cannot be timid about life. To love the Ocean means to embrace all that comes with it; may it be the strong surge underwater, protecting and caring for the environment, or the stories of and by it. I've seen the ocean grow ill, or it goes mad, but at the end it comes down to realizing that we co-exist.
I take with me the stories of lives and journeys of many. Wisdom is abundant in the eyes of the well traveled SCUBA instructors and other divers. Traveling makes room for the understanding of the other, but diving takes it a step further. Divers underwater talk by hand signatures and through the eyes. Fingers point at a manta ray passing by and the eyes make smile through the mask. That is all that is needed at that moment. It does not require a whole lot to understand the magic the great nature plays in front of our eyes when we are underwater. Sixty year olds and sixteen year olds, Koreans and Turkish, students and engineers, we simply marvel at it and become one with the fleeing second. Respect grows within and beyond.
The anecdote at the beginning of your essay helped put the reader in the moment, however, i did notice some spelling and grammatical errors. For example, "Bioluminescence."
"telling" more than "showing"?
If you understand the wisdom behind this concept, you won't need to ask others whether you are showing or telling. The idea is to do something indirect.
Telling: Fright or anxiety has never stopped my desire to explore the unknown. I know I won't be satisfied unless I try out and see it for myself.
Showing: So I gather myself together, and jump in with my whole self.
Check out how great it becomes without the telling: "Bioluminecence, that's what those are," my first instructor Jimmy told me three summers ago, in inky lukewarm water, waist deep. I struggled adjusting the buoyancy and held tight on my buddy's arm the whole time that night, frightened that I might get lost in that unknown world, but when I surfaced after thirty minutes my face was glowing, exhilarated. I gathered myself together and jumped in with my whole self. (Now add a sentence that describes the state of mind you experience when you take a leap of faith, overriding fear.)
Time really does get lost, when the reality is mixed with the surreal. ---I don't know exactly what you mean with this sentence, because it uses to many words subject to varying interpretations. It would be good if you could simplify this; even though it is a really cool sentence, if you have too many words subject to varying interpretations, the whole thing loses its meaning.
:-)
