'studying at Cate' - "Writing a novel is like driving a car at night"

Dear all
I want to go to a boarding and need to write an essay, and I have a rough draft, can you please help me on how to improve it.

Thanks

The topic is:
"American author E.L. Doctorow said, "Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." What is true of driving at night, or of writing a novel, is also true of young students: you do not need to know exactly where you're going, or what you want from life in the long run, but you do have to see a few feet in front of you to make progress. Write about a concrete goal that is "in your headlights" right now. Explain why it is so important to you."

Like all teenagers my age, my mind is full of dreams and aspirations, but to realize them I need to work very hard. One of my immediate goal is to get into a good college and in order to achieve this I need to perform exceedingly well in my high school. By going to Cate School where academic program is designed for students to develop critical reasoning skills; its curriculum challenging, rigorous and engaging will definitely help me prepare better for college.

Going to college is a really big turning point in my life, in which I am either going to sink or swim, but none the less it is the starting point of a life full of new adventures and new people. I want to get into an Ivy League college like stanford and MIT because of their Science and Engineering program. Ever since I moved to America at the age of ten, I have been interested in computers and repairing things around the house. At home I am the IT guy, whenever something goes wrong that has anything to do with technology I am the person my family turns for help. I know that my goal of getting into an Ivy League college is realizable and that in order for it to become a reality I need to work really hard. That is why I am grabbing every opportunity I come across, and one of them is Cate.

I really want to go to a college preparatory school like Cate because of their amazing curriculum, their faculty, and their social and group activities. I think that going to Cate is going to broaden my knowledge because of the way their classes are set up. Unlike regular schools where the teachers gives lectures and students sit and take notes, students and teachers both contributes ideas and its more like a discussion on the topic which gives a wide variety of thoughts and ideas. I think that spending my last two years of high school studying at Cate will help me improve my english which is one of my biggest weakness. When I try to communicate my thought and ideas to someone, I can't get my ideas clearly across to them.

Even though its only for two years I believe that if I get into Cate and work hard, I will have a better chance of getting into an Ivy League College.

Cate's Outdoor programs and social activities is also one of the driving factors for me wanting to come to Cate. I am not a really big social person and I don't have the skills to humor people and make them laugh. After reading about the Outdoors program, I thought, this might just be the one that will help me become a better communicator and a more sociable person because of all the activities and extracurricular sports. I believe that socializing is one of the key points to success because you need to get on peoples good side and you do that through socializing.

I thought this essay was thought out well! Here are some corrections I would have made if I wrote it myself. I basically took out a bunch of words that were not necessary to make your point. Your English is rather well for it not being your first language. Don't feel the need to make every correction I suggest, they're only suggestions :)

Like all teenagers my age, my mind is fullrampant withof dreams and aspirations. I understand that in order tobut to realizeachieve them, I need to work veryextremely hard. One of My immediate goal is to get into a good college.and In order to achieve this goal, I need to perform exceedingly well in my high school. By going to Cate School where academic program is designed for students to develop critical reasoning skills; its curriculum challenging, rigorous and engaging.It will certainlydefinitely help me better prepare better for college.

Going toAttending college will beis a really big turning point in my life.in which I am either going to sink or swim, but none the lessI t iswill be the starting point of a life full of new adventures and new people. I want to getMy goal is to be accepted into an Ivy League college such aslikeS tanford orand MIT.because ofT heir Science and Engineering programs are excellent. . Ever sinceWhen I moved to America at the age of ten, I have beenbecame interested in computers and repairing household items.things around the house . At home I am the IT guy, . W henever something goes wrong that has anything to do with technology I am the person my family turns to for help. I know that my goal of getting into an Ivy League college is realizablerather large and that in order for it to become a reality I need to work reallyextremely hard. Thatis is why I am grabbing every opportunity I come across.,andO ne of them is Cate.

I reallywantwish to go to a college preparatory school like Cate because of theirthe amazing curriculum, their faculty, and their social and group activities. I think thatG oing to Cate isgoingwillto broaden my knowledge because of the way their classes are set up. Unlike regular schools where the teachers gives lectures and students sit and take notes, students and teachers both contributes ideas.andIt's more like a discussion on the topic which gives a wide variety of thoughts and ideas. I think that sS pending my last tworemaining two years of high school studying at Cate will help me improve my english. which is one of my biggest weakness. When I try to communicate my thoughts and ideas to someone, I can'tdon't always get my ideas clearly across to them.

Even though its only for two years I believe that if I get into Cate and work hard, I will have a better chance of getting into an Ivy League College.

Cate's o utdoor programs and social activities isare also one ofathe driving forcefactorsfor me wanting to comein my desire to attendto Cate. I am not a veryreally big social person and wish to advance my skills in comedic conversationI don't have the skills to humor people and make them laugh . After reading about the o utdoors program, I thought, this it might just be the one that will help me become a better communicator and a more sociable person because of all the activities and extracurricular sports. I believe that socializing is one of thea key points to success. because you need to get on peoples good side and you do that through socializing.

Thank you AlecSalisbury for the revisions. Should I put "I believe that if I get into Cate and work hard, I will have a better chance of getting into an Ivy League College."

where it is or at the end.

Why do you sound so uncertain? I don't think such negativity would help you impress anybody. You need to show that you are sure about your accomplishments. So say like;

in which I am going to swim across the ocean of challenges. .... something like that :)


... there you are, here you sound more confident :D