"the suburbs of Detroit" - MIT undergrad - Describe the world you come from

Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

I live in a small, virtually unknown city in the suburbs of Detroit. Due to the proximity to the Automotive Capital of the World, nearly every family has someone working in the auto industry. The streets are quiet and the residents so law-abiding that the police department is essentially unemployed. Welcome to the City of Troy, Population: 81,000.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it's a bad place to live; we still laugh and enjoy life. It's just that Troy is so upsettingly generic. Every family owns at least two cars. Everyone lives in a house that looks just like the one next to it. If you drive down the street, the sidewalks are always empty - no one walks. Everyone is content with their lives, content with their successes and never seeking more.

"Study engineering, just like your father!" my mom says. But what if I don't want to just follow a mold given to me? Maybe it's because I hate how unassuming life in this city is, but I want to get out into the world and make my name known. I chafe at the self-imposed restrictions we place on ourselves. I yearn to prove myself to be more than just another Troy kid, content to live my life in anonymity. I choose to pursue engineering because I want to, because I believe I can do some good in the world with the knowledge, not because someone else wishes it. My mistakes will be my own - but so will my success.

This is really as close as i can get to the truth and still be interesting. It seems a little depressing to me, but i'd appreciate any feedback at all. Thanks

wow. i think this is extremely well written. however, as you said, it is a little depressing--perhaps you should minimize the parts where you describe how seemingly boring living in troy is, and instead focus more on how its "dullness" has actually inspired you to become something more, instead of fit in. the last sentence is powerful, but seems rushed. you say you will study engineering because you want to, but i can't truly believe it if the sentences right before it talk about how everyone there is an engineer or will grow up to be one. focus more one WHY and HOW living in troy has fueled you to become something more than other troy residents.

hmm, I revised the last two paragraphs very quickly in about 15 minutes just to get some feedback on whether or not i'm going in the right directions. I guess I'll just copy-paste the whole thing in here cuz it's a little easier that way.

again, any feedback would be appreciated. i'm about 4 words over, but i'm not too worried about it

This is the spot to change, according to me. I think you should get rid of this weak detail, this ugly worthless yucky detail! And replace it with a brilliant thesis statement... a statement on which that reader's attention will linger for a moment.

Thinking for a moment about your statement, the reader will be ready to understand the next paragraph from the perspective represented in that... that most important statement at the end of the first para.

:-)

My mistakes will be my own - but so will my success.
--- there is some wisdom here. I made the mistake of trying to prevent someone from making mistakes, and I should have known that I needed to leave him alone!