"How will I succeed and survive in such harsh society?" - Rutgers environment

Prompt-
Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. Maximum 3800 characters including spaces.

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Once in awhile I question to myself "How will I succeed and survive in such harsh society?" With my life experience and my overall grade, am I considered a failure in life, or an ordinary student who still has a second opportunity? Surely Rutgers reply will answer my question.

My mom brought me to America from Poland in hopes to find opportunities to improve our lives. Since many people say "United States of America is a land of opportunity." Poland wasn't even my homeland country. I was moved to Poland from South Korea when I was seven years old due to my mother's personal reasons. As an Asian it was terrifying and difficult to live in such awkward and inconvenient country filled with white people. I recall having a hard time adjusting in elementary school. I had no friends to talk with my native language. Kids started glaring at me just because I had a different texture of skin quality and they also started thrusting one's finger into my face. After the incident, I was depressed with loss of confidence to myself. Living in Poland didn't feel like reality, and I was hoping it was a dream.

I lived in Poland for thirteen years. I've learned how to speak Polish in school and Korean through my mom's instructive lessons. My grades were fairly good during my elementary school years. Being accustomed in Poland culture helped me unable to recall my past first experience in elementary school. Beginning of my 7th grade was a disaster. Overhearing my mom's conversation with my uncle was a mistake. I overheard my mom saying "I decided to move to the United States" and my response to that statement was "WTH? Why would we leave when I've finally adjusted to Poland culture, language, and friends?" My body was shivering in fear recalling my first experience in elementary school.

Two months later I headed to United States. My thoughts about United States were "U.S. must be a country with abounding opportunities with vast and heterogeneous population." And my thought was right. Unlike middle school in Poland, middle school in the United States offered many opportunities to small steps of becoming successful in later life. But something was mutual with my first experience in elementary school. I recall lacking friendship and communication in English and few kids glaring at me because their skin texture was different as mine. Acquiring stress left me no choice but to put aside studying from my mind hence the result of my GPA has shown.

Through my life experience I've came into a conclusion. It wasn't my mom's guilt or purposes that lead me to 82 GPA. I regretted for not studying hard enough. But regretting was a foolish mistake. What is there to regret? Time has passed already. It's time for a new start!

This is my first Draft! Please comment about how to fix my essay.
I have about a week and 3 days before the deadline!

This essay is has potential. The major problem that you have with this essay is that you attack the essay from the wrong prospective. Instead of making it seem like you are a failure, you need to make Rutgers say..."yeah, he may not have the highest GPA, but we need him." Your overall gpa of 82 is not extremely low and is certainly within the range for Rutgers. Rewrite your essay and focus more on your difficulties and the actual struggles you had to overcome to get to this stage. You went through several very strong cultural shock. Structure your essays so that it seems that you have taken full advantage of opportunities you had under such pressures. We can help you with this.

wow thank you for your help~
so do you recommend me to rewrite the essay?

You should write out WTH (or use a more censored word) as they might not know what it stands for XP

Don't forget to pout commas before your quotations! You seem to miss that. For example,
My thoughts about United States were, "U.S. must be a country with abounding opportunities with vast and heterogeneous population."

You seem to answer the first part of the prompt by showing your diverse background and all the struggles you have had with it. Now you should elaborate more on the "How" part. How will you benefit from such a campus? What/how will you contribute? Why do they want you? This part's the trickiest, but colleges want this rather than story-telling.

A suggestion would be to transition from moving to GPA a little more smoothly. And what is the significance of this gpa? Oh! I noticed something. When you say "Acquiring stress left me no choice but to put aside studying from my mind hence the result of my GPA has shown." Be careful! Make sure to reedeem yourself in other ways or how you boosted your gpa to where it is now. I'm saying this because Rutgers may see this a bit negatively, because of your stress, your GPA is lower. I'm sure you'll be stresed out in college, so you don't want them to think that your GPA will be low again :P I hope that makes sense.

It's a really good start though! Your character was pretty apparent.
I'm sorry for asking, but do you think you could by chance look at mine? I don't want to sound needy but my deadline is soon -_-;;

Good luck! :)