A successful college campus - Lehigh Second Supplement

Hi, again

Could someone read over this essay for content as well as grammar.

What values do you believe are important in fostering a cohesive, successful, and supportive campus community? Please provide us with details from an experience that you had that has shaped these values.

A successful college campus is one that guides its student body to self discovery. I believe that a healthy campus community must be diverse, and multidimensional but also allow for cultural exchange. Even though the students may come from different backgrounds, and pursue different goals, they must share common interests. The community must work as a whole to recover from setbacks and achieve greater heights. In such a close knit community, students can expand their horizons and pave the streets to success.

Having experienced a collaborative community firsthand, I can vouch for its strength. In the 7th grade, my school hosted a School Fair. As a part of the project, I never believed that the all disciplines ranging from science to music could be brought under the same roof. Yet, the herculean endeavor came to life through the cooperation and diligence of the school community. The School Fair was a success, and the school received numerous accolades, but the triumph lay in the hands of the students. It was only our endless perseverance that allowed us to overcome every setback and achieve success.

I know this essay needs some changes. It needs to be a little shorter and I don't really know if the content corresponds to the question. Idk.. I just need help >.<

Thanks again

I think this is a great response. You answer all facets of the prompt thoroughly, and your example is great. If your word count is what's making you want to shorten it, perhaps you can cut out a little of the detail as to the fair. If not, I wouldn't touch it at all!

Great work!