All of a sudden everything is different; it was as if I'm experiencing the plots of a drama; Tragedy

I am not so sure if my essay fits the topic
and I don't know what to write for the conclusion DX
plz criticize on grammar and content and structure and etc.!!
thanx!!!!!!

Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
____________________________________________________________ _______________

All of a sudden, everything is different; it was as if I am experiencing the plots of a drama.

Every time I enter the kitchen of my house, I see a tired face. A tired yet resolute face of a worried mother. Ever since the year of 2004, one year after my family's immigration to California, my father's company in Taiwan has encountered major financial trouble. In the era of social disorder, my father mistrusted other people, causing the company's stock to crash and becoming the innocent victim of the darkness of human nature. Suddenly, it dropped from a doing-well, profitable company straight to a hundred-million indebted business.

Just like the company, my family's financial status dramatically collapse from heaven to hell. As young as I was when the life of my parents was crumbled to dust, I can tell that everyone is in despair. Nevertheless, my family had no other choice but to be dressed in resoluteness. Of course, my father has been working without taking any breaks or vacations since then. My oldest brother too sacrificed. Just a freshman in college when the misfortune hit, he was asked to temporarily suspend schooling to help out my father's company at China. As a novice in the society and the eldest son of the family, my brother has to bear the heavy burden of the company. And my poor mother, who is supposed to be enjoying her life after retirement, busied herself with loans, banks, and jobs. Maybe someone in the family would be depressed occasionally, but that person would recover very fast to face the daily challenges with courage.

As for me, because I grew up in a family of distress, I matured mentally faster than other people of my age. I became very independent, hardworking, and determined, trying to not become another cause of stress and burden in the already-hard lives of my parents and my brothers. While keeping up my academic work, I tutor everyday afterschool to earn my own allowances and provide the family with my little pay.

This makes no sense. If he "mistrusted" other people, he would have avoided dealing with them, and could not have been taken advantage of. I think you mean to use a different word.


Everything up to this, while sort of interesting, tells about your family. This is the only paragraph that talks about you, and you are supposed to be the focus of the essay. So, you need to explain in much more detail how this experience affected you. Also, this seems more like an experience, rather than an "issue," though I suppose you can technically use it.

As for me, because I grew up in a family of distress,
don't need [As for me] b/c the reader knows this essay is about you.

Is this a good conclusion??

We have learned how to be optimistic towards misfortunes and make the best out of what we have. We have gone through the worst and therefore treasure what we have now. Died and reborn, my family has experienced a tragedy that has made me different from others

No. Well, maybe. The problem you have at the moment is that it doesn't work with what you have. First of all, you keep using "we" in an essay that really should be using "I" a lot more than it does. Secondly, your claim


is unsupported. Your family didn't die, it simply adjusted to a sudden financial setback. Undoubtedly it was rough, but it doesn't sound as if it was the same as having someone actually die. In fact, nothing much about the changes sounds particularly out-of-the-ordinary devastating. Also, you don't explain in any great detail how the tragedy changed you, and what you do explain you assert without showing.

Let me address grammar, since others have been handling content. You jump from present to past tense and sometimes use completely inappropriate verb tenses. I don't think that your English skills are sufficiently strong to use the dramatic but difficult tactic of writing in present tense about past events. Revise for grammar, paying close attention to your verbs and keeping everything that happened in the past in past tense.

^Whilst this may be an issue of personal concern, I do not think you go into any depth for this to be a discussion of any kinds. From what I can gather, you just narrate, in the form of making sentence after sentence, without adding any life or emotion to any of them.

Your essay needs to be worked on, in all sections.

I'm not feeling the sentence "the innocent victim of the darkness of human nature"..it sounds a little too negative/exaggerated for me- maybe try to phrase it differently. It sounds like you have the little innocent lamb and everyone else is just BAD, you know? Maybe say "he became a victim of other's greed" or something like that.

emotion...
my English teachers always say that my essays lack emotion.
One thing I don't get is how do you put emotion into an essay?
This has always been my problem. sighh