'My Summer Experience' - Temple App. Essay Personal Development essay

I'm worried my essay is not good enough. I would appreciate to get some feedback. Thanks, Ali

Topic - Relate one or more experiences or circumstances that have contributed to your personal and/or academic development. If you have been out of school for a year or longer, please discuss your activities during that period of time.

My Summer Experience

Many experiences in my life have shaped who I am as a person today. This summer I was fortunate enough to get a job that expanded my maturity and exposure to the world. My grandmother had gotten me a job at a major watch industry called E. Gluck Corp. in Long Island City. Isn't it every girls dream to work in New York, the city of lights. Being only seventeen years old and getting a job at a major worldwide watch industry was such a great opportunity I couldn't pass up. I was up for the challenge to apply for my first real job.

I can't even begin to explain how nerve wrecking my first day at work was. Walking into a towering building and trying to find my way around was only the beginning of the day. Being surrounded by intelligent and hardworking people was not easy. It felt like I was the only teenager and I started to feel isolated. As I met my co workers it was not what I expected at all. Everyone was nothing but benevolent and supportive towards me. I worked a fifty-hour week behind a desk doing paperwork or packing watches. I'll admit I tried to be a perfectionist while I worked. It was almost a goal not to mess up or disappoint my boss. I wanted to prove that even though I was only seventeen I was just as ambitious. Although, there were some perks I am glad I spent my summer working. Having this job definitely has helped me become a more confident and strong individual.

The job I had this summer exposed me to a world that I had not previously experienced. Working in New York has given me confidence, motivation, and maturity. I've come to realize that being on your own is not as easy as most teens seem to believe. Although, working a fifty-hour week was difficult it was made me become a stronger individual. This experience has gotten me ready for the challenging jobs and obstacles ahead.

Hey Ali,

Try to avoid using the passive tense when it it's not really necessary.
For example: My grandmother got me a job at a major watch industry called E. Gluck Corp in Long Island City.

You forgot your question mark in this sentence. Even when you are asking a rhetorical question you still need the question mark! :)
"Isn't it every girls dream to work in New York, the city of lights? "
You could also avoid the contraction in this sentence of "Isn't" by simply saying "Is it not"

'Being' is a bad word in most cases!
"Being only seventeen years old and getting a job at a major worldwide watch industry was such a great opportunity I couldn't pass up"

Instead you could say, "As a seventeen year old, getting a job at a major worldwide watch industry was such a great opportunity that I could not pass up

Just some questions towards the overall story:

You say that, "Working in New York has given me confidence, motivation, and maturity". I would have like to seen some elaboration on how it has given you these attributes and how these new found attributes now affect your life.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate your help! I'll try to re post my essay tomorrow. Hopefully you can revise it one last time thanks again. :)