"Super-heroes" - Columbia & NYU (Admission essay)

I'm applying for college in new york city, and... I'm aiming for the two big ones. Out of fear that some of you may be prodigies of penmanship, i'll say that my writing skills are average- let's say entertaining. My main weakness is that i fall into the "funny guy" category and when I write essays, it kind of takes that turn as well. Anyways, here it goes, here's hoping I wrote a columbia caliber essay.

Topic:
Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

Essay:

I've been a loyal follower of Super-heroes ever since I can remember. Getting initiated was nothing uncommon; during the mid-nineties, they were everywhere and managed to invade every child's bedroom. Today, while I can proudly say that I don't wear Spider-Man underwear anymore, I should admit that I made the transition from action figures to Comic Books. Nowadays, I always ensure that I have enough money to pick-up my weekly dose of magazines because of one very special character: Deadpool. Knowing that he's a money-hungry mercenary who kidnaps his friends, I'll understand if you start wondering in what way he can influence my life for the better.

Deadpool isn't heroic, he doesn't stand for positive moral values, and in contrast to the visually appealing plethora of traditional superheroes, he looks like a disfigured, steroid-fed Marty Feldman. Looking back on it now, I sounds as if I have a serious problem with tastes and preferences; be assured, I am nowhere as rude nor as annoying as he is, and we don't share much besides our common love for tacos. However, What I do consider interesting is the fact that he has the skills to go toe-to-toe with the mightiest; but he chooses to be unique with negative traits, by making senseless talking and horrible jokes his originality and main appeals. Quite an unsafe gamble to stand out from the other vigilantes in tights.

Nevertheless, immature humor, melodrama origins, and even bad-manners, were the factors of his popularity among so many readers. A lightbulb moment came once I understood that through his exaggerated persona there was something to be found. I've always thought that the fact that he is new and fresh had to surprise people, but it was because he was so much larger than life that he grew to be a lot more. This is how he manages to stay in his readers' minds, and makes their lives a little more delightful while they agonize in those endless lines at the post office. In that sense, I do compare him to myself, as I've always been a very outgoing person with genuine social skills. I knew being different and humorous were a plus; but he showed me to what lenghts personality was important and how it could have a positive impact on others.

I'm not saying that we should devote every moment of our lives into trying to be funny or original, nor that one should aspire to become a clown; but I firmly believe that we should be without reserve and open to others. I've been blessed with numerous friends during my travels around the world, and nothing has ever made me prouder than seeing others pick up my speech habits, or re-doing jokes despite having different languages, mentalities, upbringings or all three combined. I'd love to say that it comes from good-looks, but I have to give most of the credit to being amusing while speaking about more serious matters. It might be a personal touch, yet we all have one. This is why most known individuals in modern society are the most recognizable in their own way. I always guarantee to show myself vulnerable so people can relate to my adventures; I think that's all it takes to connect with strangers, and you don't need to be a braggadocious Deadpool or a god-like super-hero to do so.

_______________________________________

You'll notice that i'm a really fast guy, as it took me 3 days to add two or three sentences.

I took away the "judy garland" line, but I regret it. It might be cliched, but I really do speak like that in real life, I try to find references to explain stuff but I had to take it out because of lenght issues. I compared judy garland to grease because the J-lady was an alcoholic, had a real insecurity problem, and then peacefully died. In an drug-overdose related death. On the other hand grease was the blueprint of Sclub 7, and dealt with "rebellious teenagers" with laughable haircuts beaten only by marge simpson.

Please be gentle.

Pardon any mistakes i've made or rules i've broken, this is my first post.
Please tell me whatever is bad, or whatever i have to change. Thanks!

Gustavo,

Overall,a valiant effort,although at times there were some serious faults in grammar.I'll start with that.

1." Nowadays, I always assure that I have enough money to pick-up my weekly dose of magazines because of one character: Deadpool."(I always ensure...)

2." I don't preach world peace on an absolute scale like Miss America contendants,"(contestants)
3."I am not saying that one should aspire into becoming a clown,"-(aspire to become...)
There are several other grammatical errors which I'll leave you to fix.

In terms of content,you have a good idea,however some of your longer sentences tend to be meaningless. e.g."Therefore, I believe that in order to create as much relationships as possible and to leave a trace of our existence, we must use our human dispositions, true personas and share our first-hand experiences with others; all as different elements of one same community"-(This sentence is convoluted and meaningless...)

Also,I notice that you say this comic book character is a "typical,infuriating pest",then you go on to say he is your hero.Essentially you have said you are a pest.Noone wants a pest in their freshman class.

And this:"He has the sex appeal of Marty Feldman."-Personally,I don't know who Marty Feldman is.I thought this was unnecesary and cheapened your writing.

My apologies for being overly critical.It's just that I really like your idea and would like to read the best version of it.Good luck with your applications:)

Please marry me

Ahem...gustavo,such posts will get you suspended from this forum.Try to stick with the essay crtiquing please.That was very weird indeed.

Oups. I hope i won't get in any trouble, I meant to say thank you in a funny way. Anyways, thank you for replying, I agree with most of the things you said, however, i don't know go to go around the fact that he is annoying and a pest. that is him, and that was the describing paragraph.

I really want to change it, because if you say you interpret it like that, so can the admissions committee. any ideas?

Is the essay entertaining nevertheless? Last thing i want is to be boring, or a chore.

Hahaha no worries man, I hope the powers that be don't suspend you!Personally I enjoyed your essay,it's not boring at all.On the contrary,it was quite amusing!

You can say that someone is an annoying pest in a less obvious way.For example,you could say"His company is almost always a disturbance of peace and his jokes often fall flat, subsequently leaving the intended audience gobsmacked by their utter lack of taste."

In terms of "changing" your essay,I'd suggest going through your grammar and the use of language so that you can polish up on the technicalities.It appears english is not your first language(It's not mine either) so you might have to work extra hard on grammar:)

Um... English IS my first language. now i want to run away and cry. However, as my own devil's advocate, I speak 4 languages and it's a real pain juggling through them.

Anyways back to business. I understand the way you would replace the pest issue, but honestly... I have a thing with essays who try to look too smart... i kind of see them as superficial. I'm re-writing everything right now and i'll post it later; hope it redeems the first one i showcased.

As a final note, thanks a lot. Not only for my essay, but to others who you give advice. You're like the interweb essay vigilante looking for damsels in distress.

"Getting initiated was nothing uncommon knowing that during the mid-nineties, they were everywhere; They managed to invade every child's room."-- try "Initiation into the world of comics during the mid nineties was not uncommon, In fact, they were everywhere, invading every child's room."

"youngest age"??? to "since I can remember"
You can briefly describe his physical characteristics in one sentence tight at the beginning too.
Avoid using the word "But" and "And" to start a sentence. Many an English teacher will cringe at that.
Please don't say he is 'inspiring' to you. Try 'stands out' or 'more notable'
Paragraphs 4 & 5 can be put together, knock off the word 'actually' and just start with "In this..."
"potential benefactors" doesn't make sense at all in this context. You want to say something like "well connected people we know...[i]true[i] relationships..." There are many different types of relationships good and bad. Be more specific.

Don't use the words "human" and "disposition" together because dispositions vary from person to person.
Too many big words, especially when not used correctly, detracts from the essay
What were you trying to say with this "all as different elements of one same community"? It doesn't make sense with the rest of the sentence.

And what exactly is your philosophy?
Please also state you are not like this guy in character VERY clearly right after you say he is an unsavory character.
"being ourselves always leaves a bigger impact on others, and at the end, makes any experience more memorable" is not always a positive thing. Nobody will forget being punched in the face or have something thrown at them by someone who "wants to be themselves".

same with "I might not be as rude.." (you might not??) I am not rude like him...
"Miss America contestants" and "world peace" should not be used in the same sentence either.They really have nothing to do with each other. You end up sounding like you don't support world peace. You can try more like you can't change the world or bring about world peace, but putting a smile on someone's face can be just as effective.

Unfortunately actions do define people. Chris Brown may have a nice personality but he definitely beat up Rihanna. There are better ways to express what you want to say.

A good way to stay on track while writing an essay is to summarize in 1 or 2 sentences what you want it to be about" for example, "Although on the surface, the action figure Deadpan is not a good guy, he actually has something to teach us, because he is always himself"

(I don't know if that is really what you are trying to say) Also is there any relation to what you want to study/become, like a comedian or actor)?

I like the topic and it is entertaining, but you undermine yourself when you are comparing Deadpool to yourself so specifically. You only admire certain characteristics he has.

Oops I hope I didn't offend you by saying english is not your first language lol!Anyway I anxiously await your second draft,I'm sure it will be good:) I wouldn't want your essay to sound pretentious either,I was trying to just show you an alternative route to what you were trying to convey,.I definetely also dislike "smart" writing it's so fake and irritating.

@Jeannie you made my day...quote"Chris Brown may have a nice personality but he definetely beat up Rihanna...ahh...your are so funny!and so right!

Ok, first off, thank you guys for helping me out, I think it's extremely generous. i feel like mother theresa and gandhi are writing this with me.

your second attempt is much better! I would now focus on specific grammatical mistakes such as 'lenghts' in your penultimate paragraph and making it as appealing as possible to the Uni admins. I like the focus on being open and individual but try to avoiding sounding to much like a walking cliche. I found your shared love of tacos the best part of your essay since it sounded the most genuine.

Glad to hear it's better; unfortunately, i didn't understand how I can avoid sounding like cliche. How do I change that? what other grammatical mistakes is there? thanks for the help!

Edit: Sorry to bother some more, but I really have a problem with the cliched comment. The thing I dread the most is being one of those millions of "I'm an immigrant" or "my mom raised me alone" type of essays. I have no problem with them at all, really; I just fear it wouldn't be pleasant for the reader to have to read one more, so I chose the fictional character essay instead. This is making me sweat more than a nun waiting for a preganancy test. is it the ending? is it too sugar coated?

Gustavo,(Forget gentle,I'm cutting to the chase lol!)

Firstly,there is a marginal improvement from the last attempt.One thing I've noticed generally in writing is that the more you try to sound exotic,unique and different,the more cliche the writing becomes.You are right,there will be a quintillion "immigrant" essays dripping with pity and screaming for sympathy,but it's the challenge of a good writer to milk the creativity out of an otherwise tired topic.This is not to say your writing is cliche,I'm just adressing something you mentioned.

-Now to the real business.One thing that is distracting are your references to people and the automatic assumption that the reader is familiar with them and their associated histories i.e.July Garland/Marty Feldman.If the reader is NOT familiar,then you just alienate them for that entire paragraph.Maybe it's because I'm not american,and am therefore culturally out of sync with you,but I would provide some context to make it more understandable.

-If you don't want your writing to sound cliche,then do get rid of cliches in your writing:i.e.
("Top-Notch,larger than life ,being oneself", )You may be forgiven for "light bulb moment."It wasn't a cliche until Oprah made it one.

And then the most cliche of all is your final paragraph.I have definetely heard some or all of these statements many times before:
-He's not pretending to be someone else, and that was the best part of all; he was being himself all along.
-it was because he was so much larger than life that he grew to be much more
And finally...
-Because it is very simple, and helping can make the world a more positive place. Doing so is not the initiative of changing the world; it makes us the change itself.(This is just a condensation of that quote"be the change you want to see in the world" and Michael Jackson's heal the world(sing with me)...make it a better place,for you and for me...etc)I'm sure you see where I'm going with this.

I've been really mean today:)But I think it's beacuse I really like this essay in a paradoxical sort of way.I don't know...

hahah, this is the funniest thread ever.

Well, far be it from me to interfere; a marriage proposal is something to be celebrated.

Simbarashe, I am really impressed with the insightful ideas you give here...

Can't say I haven't ----confusing.
Today, at 18 years old, while I can proudly say that I don't wear Spider-Man underwear anymore, I should admit that I made a transition from action figures to Comic Books.

----melodrama origins which make Judy Garland's life look like the Grease musical--- yeah, I am not sure about this. Grease is melodramatic. I am not sure what you mean.

Add a sentence to the end of the first para to express why he is significant. Naming the character is not a thesis statement. But if you add a sentence to the end of that para it can express the THEME you are using which I like!!

I like the theme of looking to this superhero as an example of being yourself. But what will be your superpower that enables you to have confidence in who you are? Find time in this essay to discuss your superpower -- your area of specialization in your chosen field.

:-)

Also, i need a nice title to the essay, but something that doesn't sound as homoerotic as "my superhero". ideas?

Instead of "guarantee" near the end, i meant "ensure". I did it on purpose, i wanted to test you all...ha ha ha...

Test us??haha i ddnt notice that though.well your essay is approaching perfection,good work.many thanks for excluding the julie garland refs!,i breathed easier on that section.As for the title,im sure you can extract a super catchy title from your very colourful imagination...

I changed the last little mistakes i made, and now it looks sexier than danneel harris holding pizza and a gallon of dr pepper. Thanks for all your help , I couldnt have done it without all of you ( though i'm looking at you a lot, simbarasche). I hope this will get me somewhere, as i've put a lot into it.

How about this: "Initiation was nothing uncommon during the mid-nineties, as they were every where, invading every child's bedroom."