Hey, this is my essay for USC's Sociology program. Please give me any feedback you have. I'm also not sure how to incorporate my desire to participate in the JEP program or how to end this essay. Basically, any help is appreciated!
"Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
Note: The Common Application essay should be the same for all colleges. Members that wish to review custom essay responses will request them on their Supplement form."
1 am. Saturday night. The air was frozen, the night sky dotted with milky white stars. The streets were bare, except for the feminine silhouette who stood anxiously before me. As I walked up to her, I saw the faux sexuality drain from her face. Her painted mosaic of lust and beauty immediately shattered, exposing the fear and loneliness of a young, lost girl. "Excuse me, ma'am, would you please accept this rose?" I asked. She hesitated, as if I would disappear like a hallucination "I want to let you know you are beautiful and loved. And if you need anything, a place to stay or someone to talk to, you are always welcome to come to the Dream Center. They will take care of you." Tears began to stream down her face. She fiercely shook her head, as if to block me out. Still on alert, I listened for any footsteps nearing us. "No, you don't understand." She mumbled "I am not ready. I can't."
I reassured her, "When you do feel ready," I cusp her hand and placed the rose with the attached card, "there is a safe place for you." Her deep brown eyes shimmered brilliantly under the glow of the orange street lights. Without hesitation, she pulled me in for an embrace. At that moment, it was clear to me - I need to limit the presence of those sad, lost faces, permanently.
As a child of immigrants, I understand the true meaning of being destitute. But I have also seen how passion and courage can radically change even the most dire circumstance. It's for this reason that I want to be a part of USC's Sociology program. While I am currently pursuing Sociology at my home institution, the focus of the program is pure sociological theory. It doesn't give equal attention to the interconnectedness of this subject and how it manifests itself into current societal issues. I seek an undergraduate sociological program that integrates the complex sectors of sciences and society. As society boldly moves forward, technology and science will accelerate at an unprecedented pace. This will lead to society inevitably being compelled to reevaluate how it defines its most pressing issues like cloning or stem cell research. In this exciting and daring day and age, I am ecstatic at the prospect of cultivating a deeper understanding of the prospective conflict this move will bring.
Also, to further supplement my academic career, I am thoroughly interested in becoming a part of USC's JEP service learning organization. As it is one of the oldest programs in the United States, I'm hoping this established program will supplement my sociological studies, as I will be able to see the theoretical aspects of the program in real time.
I am excited at the prospect of attending a world-class university and developing the strong professional qualifications necessary to compete in today's world.
I love the way you have written this story, it depicts a contrast of beauty vs. ugly. You paint a wonderful picture with your words. One phrase stands out to me: I cusp her hand "cusp" is not the right word, try "grasp, brush against, slightly touch" something like that. You need to build more of a connection between your story and how it represents your life.
I need to limit the presence of those sad, lost faces, permanently.
I feel like this statement needs some kind of explanation, it stands alone, almost like it doesn't quite "fit"
I am ecstatic at the prospect of cultivating a deeper understanding of the prospective conflict this move will bring.prospect and prospective should not be used in the same sentence, re-word this.
Your conclusion is nicely done, consolidate the final sentence into the paragraph before it, one sentence should not be its own paragraph.
Good job, mainly, you ought to focus on connecting the story to your reasons for building a better life for yourself. Good luck in school :)
