NO SUPPORT. NO RESPECT. NO HOMEFIELD.

I wrote 2 of the same essays.

1. Evaluate a significant risk you have taken or ethical dilemma you have faced and discuss its impact on you.

DID YOU KNOW?
ˇ At Cardozo, students and staff select music to mark the change of classes instead of using bells!
This, I am sad to say, was what made me choose Benjamin N. Cardozo High School. Months before the decision was to be made I could not decide which school I wanted to be in. I had heard such great things about all schools, I simply could not decide. When I finally saw this piece of trivia in the high school directory, I decided, on a whim, that this would be my school. When my acceptance letter came in March, I was ecstatic. Upon entering the school, however, I was greatly disappointed. The school was nothing I had heard of. It was hectic, crowded, and dirty. The building was filled with so much people; they named a hallway 42nd street just for its crowdedness. If you stood on one side, you would find yourself slowly being carried to the other side. When I finally made it to my classes; I would find that I had been changed to another class. My schedule was changed at least 5 times before everything was settled. This was the school I was to be enrolled in for another 3 years. I didn't know how I would survive.

Then the day of the club fair arrived. There I discovered my beacon of hope, my will to survive the rest of my days in high school-the Girl's Varsity Lacrosse team. I wanted to be part of a team that was able to maneuver a stick with such fluidity it almost seemed like it was part of them, an extra limb. To be able to compete alongside such fine athletes, would be a chance I would not let down.

Not long after joining the team, I fully realized what a great team I had become a part of. In 2002, Cardozo's Girl's Lacrosse team was the first team ever to be established in New York City. Soon, schools across the city followed in our footsteps and started their own teams. Even when our founders had graduated and left our doors, we continued their legacy.

Though their legacy was great, we did not receive the recognition we deserved. Few knew of the team, let alone its amazing history and successes. Being the only school to ever play on a field they could not call their own, we hid our faces in shame as we faced competitors from other schools. Instead of the smooth clean turf our grounds flaunted, we were forced to play on the rough, filthy, bird-infested field across the street in Queen's Community College. For years, we endured the uneven grounds we constantly tripped on, the geese droppings we tried unsuccessfully to avoid, and the sprinkler heads that were the cause of many sprained ankles and other injuries. However, the day came when we could no longer tolerate the disrespect. They could take away our rights to be on our own field, the recognition we deserved, but we cannot stand by when they have taken away our victory. When we were forced to forfeit a game due to some technical difficulties that could've been avoided if we had been allowed to play on our home field, the team decided to speak out.

We risked ridicule and consequences to protest against the school for what they had done to us. We wore shirts and carried signs saying NO SUPPORT. NO RESPECT. NO HOMEFIELD. We spoke with everyone and anyone who had any power over changing the rules, including the athletics advisor, the vice principals, and the principal himself. Our coach was pressured into silencing us, but we refused to stand down. We continued our protest for days until finally, the principal gave in. We, the pioneers of this sport, would finally be able to hold our head up high as we faced and claimed victory over the schools that challenged us.

OOORRRR

Essay REMOVED because it was already posted at: answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090827182137AAVk7K1

I didn't post this essay at first because I didn't think it really answered the question. Please give me some feedback and be brutally honest. Thanks.

I don't think that either essay answers the prompt because you did not really take a risk. You weren't really risking anything through any of your actions.

the first essay is written pretty well, but i dont think it really answers the prompt either.
i dont see the risk involved by standing up for the team...

Llamapoop123,
Other than that, was the essay written well? I could use this for another essay topic.

Well what kind of prompt do you want to use it for? I would focus on your part in the protest but don't just change all the "we"s to "I"s. Give us some prompt that you want to fit.

Overall I think that this essay is average. I enjoyed the introduction but in the end it started to turn out like many other essays. Others will make it much better though.

It's a Choose your own topic.


How did it turn out like other essays?

I misspoke. I can't really express what I feel about it right now.

I have little experience with the choose your own topic thing. Wait for others to jump in.

Llamapoop123,
Thanks for all the constructive criticism, I actually read one of your essays about playing the piano and found it very inspiring.

Haha. That one is probably the best essay that I can scrape together at the moment. Thanks.

Nice essay. But, as others have pointed out, it involves neither a risk nor, in its current form, an ethical dilemma. More of a "tell us about an accomplishment" essay, really. Perhaps you could use it for another prompt, and write a new essay on this topic.

Excuse me, but participating in a protest is, indeed a risk. Anyone who has done it knows how scared those young players must have felt just before the big moment. Keep the essay. It does in fact answer the prompt.

Don't keep the essay. Simone may have appreciated it by virtue of having taking part in a protest herself, but that makes 1 out of 4 readers with whom it resonated, and 3 out of 4 for whom it fell flat. Not a great success rate. You don't want to assume that the admissions officer will be someone who has a record of attending protests. If you had written it in a way that made the feelings of being a protester clear enough to move even those who have never taken part in a protest, then Simone would have a point. But then, the question wouldn't have arisen in the first place.

Oh, heaven's. I've also taught at U.S. colleges and universities, so I may know more than you, Sean, about what admissions officers are looking for. All that I was saying is that one has to streeeeetch to say that this story does not involve a risk. The risk of participating in any sort of protest is obvious to virtually anyone, unless one is being willfully obtuse, which the real readers of this essay will not be.

For heaven's sake: Do not let the reactions of a few cranky readers on this forum lead you to abandon a lively and original essay that (a) is on topic and (b) concerns a matter about which many educators are concerned (unequal educational facilities).

You should also know enough, in that case, to realize that writing is a highly subjective art, and that an admissions essay that provokes the exact same criticism from the first three readers clearly has a problem, even if a fourth reader likes the essay. At least, I certainly hope that anyone who teaches writing, especially at the university level, would teach her students about the importance of considering the effect of their writing on a wide range of readers. As I indicated earlier, I suspect that you have taken part in protests yourself, and can relate to the essay more strongly than the other readers as a result.


Actually, the risk is not at all clear. Schools can't expel students for protesting, or even suspend them. Teachers don't generally lower marks for students who protest, and are in fact more likely to support the students in their endeavors. The protest might not work, of course, but then all that happens is that the status quo remains unchanged, which would happen even if the students did not protest. So at worst, the protest doesn't work, and the student loses nothing but the time involved, and at best it does, and the student gains changes for the better. So, there is no risk, and no ethical dilemma. It does involve, I suppose, a psychological challenge, as any form of public speaking does, but that is not the same as taking a risk, and it is less impressive in any event because done as a part of group, which mitigates the effects of having to speak out when solely in the lime light.