'Surfing and water' - Common App: Extracurricular Essay

Hey guys here is my Extracurricular essay for the Common App. I need your opinions and a grammatical review. I'm at exactly 1000 characters so no additions unless if its for grammatical changes.

Intoxicated by the thick chlorine that filled the air, I sat silently on the foam ledge. Looking into the large crowd, I was surrounded only by my thoughts. I was on the verge of losing consciousness when, I asked myself: "Why am I doing this?" It was the 2011 National Flow Tour Championships, the biggest stage of the sport. Even if I were to become the champion who would care other than my close friends and followers of the sport? People will still look at me like I'm from another planet when I tell them I surf in Missouri. Even the harshest critics would still consider my passion a joke. Despite all of the opposition I had found it inside myself to continue. I surf for my own enjoyment, not for other people's opinions. Nothing can replace the wonderful feeling of gliding along the water and the idea of living life in the present. One day, when Flowboarding is just as popular as football, I will be able to look into the camera and tell my mother that I love her. This is why I surf.

Be brutally honest.
I'm attempting to advocate some positive character that have come from surfing/flowboarding. IE. Passion, Will, Determination, Creativity...

Thanks in advance.

Damian

You need to elaborate how surfing affects YOU - get personal and also the community at large. Maybe talk about a club you've joined/started or since you wish that surfing was more popular, maybe you started a campaign or something. AOs wanna see what you can bring to table, and this isn't really saying much.

Hope this helps!

I sat silently on the foam ledge, intoxicated by the thick chlorine in the air and surrounded only by my own thoughts despite the large crowd. I was on the verge of losing consciousness when I asked myself: "Why am I doing this?" It was the 2011 National Flow Tour Championships, the biggest stage of the sport. Even if I were to become the champion, who would care other than my close friends and followers of the sport? People will still look at me like I'm from another planet when I tell them I surf in Missouri. Even the harshest critics would still consider my passion a joke. Imo, you need a better transition between these two sentences. I know, the 1000 char limit is the worst, haha. You can cut down on chars by shortening/deleting one of the sentences before this? 'Even the harshest critics would still consider my passion a joke.' <-- this adds to your point, but it's not that necessary, and you're trying to make every word count. Despite all of the opposition I had found it inside myself to continue. I surf for my own enjoyment, not for other people's opinions. Nothing can replace the wonderful feeling of the water gliding beneath my feet. One day, when Flowboarding is just as popular as football, I will be able to look into the camera and tell my mother that I love her on national television. This is why I surf.

Also, I think it'd strengthen your essay a lot if you put in one or two lines about what else surfing has done for you - what you've gotten from it, how it's strengthened your character. ... Clearly, I am a pot calling the kettle black since I've completely failed to do that on my own essay, LOL. But good luck! :)

I like where you're trying to go overall --> determination, will power, etc but here's some things I found that can be worked on.

1. I think you should change the essay as a whole so that it reads in present tense. I know it sounds weird because you're talking about a memory, but you should also be trying to give your audience a more in-depth look into who you are, and I think by putting your thoughts in first person they'd really feel like they are getting that. Example:


And just continue going through changing past tense to present. If you like that suggestion ;)

2. I think you should consider re-wording this part:


I think something like this would be better: I am on the verge of losing consciousness when I ask myself: "Why am I doing this?" It is the 2011 National Flow Tour Championships, the biggest stage for surfers to showcase their passion and try for the title. Even if I were to win, no one would care past my close friends and fans of the sport. Regardless of any trophy or title, I would still get the same weird looks when I tell people that I surf in Missouri. I would just omit that last bit about the critics because that is basically implied when you mention that no one else but your friends would care. And if you like this suggestion, but are worried about word count/characters (with spaces!), I checked and your original wording for that section was 82 words w/ 439 characters & spaces, and mine is 81 words w/ 415 characters & spaces.

3.


I would say: "Taking a minute away from my thoughts, I remind myself that I surf for my own enjoyment, not anyone else's, and the strength to compete that day came from within. Looking back at that day, I have no regrets. I have no doubt that one day flowboarding will be as popular as football, and I will be able to look into the camera and tell my mother I love her. This is why I surf. There's no feeling that can replace the wonderful one that rises up inside of me as I glide along the water; living my life in the present, my way.

4. So all in all, here's how I would edit your essay. Oh, and in case you're wondering: word count is 188 and characters including spaces is 997.

The thick chlorine intoxicating me, I sit silently on the foam ledge. Looking into the large crowd, I am isolated only by my thoughts. On the verge of losing consciousness, I ask myself: "Why am I doing this?" It is the 2011 National Flow Tour Championships, the biggest stage for surfers to showcase their skill and try for the title. Even if I were to win, no one would care past my close friends and fans of the sport. Regardless of any trophy or title, I would still get the same weird looks when I tell people that I surf in Missouri. Taking time away from my thoughts, I remind myself that I surf for my own enjoyment, not anyone else's. Looking back, I know that the strength to compete that day came from within. One day, when Flowboarding is just as popular as football, I will be able to look into the camera and tell my mother that I love her. This is why I surf. There's nothing that can replace the wonderful feeling of gliding along the water; living my life in the present, my way.

I hope this helps you, or at least gives you a starting point! And I wish you the best of luck with your apps! If you have time please come critique mine: "Live a life of integrity - Stanford Supplement Essay"

This is amazing. I think it says a lot about you in a short number of words. And I like that it ties in with your video.

Good luck!