Why Swarthmore? Swarthmore's commitment to collaboration and community service is amazing

Hello,
Below is my

why Swarthmore supplement

. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

In 150 to 250 words, please write about why you are interested in applying to and attending Swarthmore

Discovering that Swarthmore is part of the Tri-School consortium furthered my interest in the school as it reflected the school's commitment towards collaboration. It especially resonated with my experience in collaborative study outside my school curriculum. After falling in love with my chemistry class in my sophomore year, I enrolled in a Science, Technology, and Public Policy course at a summer camp that summer. My peers and I openly discussed the scientific advancements currently being considered for public use and my professor enlightened us of the fundamental role the government plays in supporting and regulating scientific research. It enriched my interest in the field of science. I also learned that the best learning takes place in an open discussion with different minds. At Swarthmore, I am confident that I will grow intellectually. Swarthmore supports and encourages Swatties to exchange knowledge, whether it is done on campus or at Bryn Mawr and Haverford with peers of different disciplines.

Moreover, I believe that I can make a difference at Swarthmore since we both have a great focus on community service. In the past, I have designed a game with an aim to encourage young girls to engage in math and STEM fields as my Girl Scouts Silver Award project. With the resources such as the Lang Center, I can continue to design such projects through the CIL's program, Swat Tank. With Swarthmore's value on civic engagement, I hope to supplement my passion for STEM with service to the community at Swarthmore.

You support your claims with concrete examples, which is very good!!!
I suggest you to give some examples of civic engagement opportunities at Swarthmore that you would like to participate in if you get accepted.

Other than that, I don't see any problems with your essay. The connections you make with the values of the school are very genuine and reflect a lot about you as a person. :) Hope this helps!

Jane, do not repeat information in your essay that reviewer obviously knows about such as the tri-school consortium. That is a waste of space that could be used to truly explain why you opted for this school. Concrete examples of repeated information will harm instead of help your application. Telling the reviewer what you learned at summer camp, without really connecting it to the prompt immediately is also ineffective. This part is just a problem of presentation.

Rather than discussing the summer camp first, you should first indicate that you were drawn to the program of the university that promotes open discussion and debate because you enjoyed that experience at the summer camp you attended that encouraged the same type of open class discussion. Regarding the civic mindedness of the Swarthies, open with SWAT Tank first then explain its connection to your advocacy. This essay needs you to first show that you are familiar with the university beyond what you read on the page. So first talk about the why and then make the connection with the personal reason. For example:

I look forward to joining SWAT Tank because I wish to continue my STEM advocacy for women in the field of... I carry a sense of responsibility to promote this cause because in my home country ... By participating in this organization, I hope to go back home after graduation and help other women ...

The above is an example of a more appropriate per paragraph presentation for this statement. Focus on the university abilities first then the personal reasons second. The connection needs to be seamless and easily understandable to the reviewer. Like I said, your essay suffers more from a presentation rather than content problem.

Nice essay and I think you show the admissions officers that you did your research and know their university and its features. You also showcased your passion to help the community in a great way.

Some minor suggestions: for some reason, my teacher told me to remove "fall in love with ..." in all my essays, so I just wanted to share that with you. Another thing is to write "I will, rather than I can make a positive difference", as it gives it that extra touch, I guess, since this shows more determination.

Anyways good essay and good luck!!