Why Swarthmore - commitment for diversity of opinions
In 150 to 250 words, please write about why you are interested in applying to and attending Swarthmore.
I am drawn by Swarthmore's strong commitment to nurture an environment for a diversity of opinions and perspectives to thrive in the institution. Such environment will enrich me intellectually and provide the impetus to reconcile different aspects of a theoretical idea through thinking critically. It will also implacably push me to look beyond the surface of an issue and delve deeper in order to truly grasp the complex dynamics of issues facing the world.
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- Huh? You lost me here and I am just a reviewer. Being over verbose is a definite drawback in any essay and you just made that mistake in this paragraph. Don't try to impress the admissions officer by wasting his time reading your thesaurus display of words. The essay actually works quite well without this. The paragraphs that followed had the personal connection to the university ideals that creates an interesting read and impacts the reader in a positive manner. That is all you have to do and you accomplished that. So delete this paragraph. It does not help your essay at all. Just revise your essay to become 2 paragraphs instead of 3.
Hi vangiespen
Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it. I have cut back on the repetitions and the "thesaurus displays of words". However I decided to still keep 3 paragraphs. I kept part of first paragraph as I thought it reflected a different essence from the second. See below.
I am drawn by Swarthmore's strong commitment to nurture an environment for a diversity of opinions and perspectives to thrive in the institution. Such environment will enrich me intellectually and push me to look beyond the surface of an issue and delve deeper in order to truly grasp the complex dynamics of issues facing the world.
Moreover, I believe Swarthmore's environment would be one where I truly thrive in as it allows me to explore ideas beyond textbooks. I am not one to accept assumptions, and particularly in the field of macroeconomics, I believe there is still much more empirical research to be done; ones which do not oversimplify the complexity of the state of economies today. Swarthmore is a platform that will allow me, in collaboration with characteristically passionate and civic-minded faculty and fellow Swatties, to contribute to research which will push the frontier of macroeconomics knowledge, and hence better inform policy making.
Finally, the strong social responsibility that the Swarthmore community possess strongly appeals to me. I would like to continue pursuing my passion in community service in college and I am excited to see there is a robust spirit of volunteerism in Swarthmore, with a dedicated office in the Lang Center. I am eager to contribute to and spearhead the expansion of the multitude of meaningful community service efforts in Swarthmore, such as Dare 2 Soar and Swatties for a DREAM. The positive energy that Swarthmore emanates will help me to do just that.
Again, your feedback is really valuable and I hope you will evaluate this edit.
Thank you!
This is a very good version of the paper. I see that you took my advice and lessened the wordiness of the essay. Did you notice how the impact of the paper changed after the edit? It is really more responsive to the prompt at this point. I am not sure if you want to add any information to it (not too wordy) that can help you further enhance this essay. If you choose not to, you can confidently use this version of the essay already. If you want to work on the essay a little more, just post the latest version of the essay that you wrote and I will try to review it as soon as possible :-)
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