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Swarthmore, love of biology, research, liberal art education


ftfn 4 / 13  
Dec 14, 2010   #1
Please write a brief statement telling us why you have decided to apply to Swarthmore in particular. Character 2000
Welcome ANY advice ! Thank you! I am not a native speaker...

My parents got a little nervous whenever their ten-year old boy began to talk about biology. They probably remembered the time when I waited five hours mid-night to watch the cicada molting and caught a tadpole at the price of falling in to the river.

Through my junior years, my love in biology never reduced. The invasive improvements in diagnostic tests kept me excited and triggered me to make a difference. After visiting a brave and self-respecting young man, "creating artificial corneas" took up my mind. I hurried back to my school to delve right into "research." But it appeared that I didn't know how to fix the appliance, how to write down the data, how to record the need of patients, more important, how to overcome the public indifference.

...
Juliano 11 / 29  
Dec 14, 2010   #2
In the second paragraph talk about the young man and his condition or how he changed you because it was a little unclear. Also tell us about the appliance you were trying to fix. Try to make things a little more clear for the reader. I hope this helped. I am also not a native speaker so if you have someone who is a native speaker or have a teacher who could help I think it would be very beneficial.
MirayPhilips 5 / 37  
Dec 14, 2010   #3
My parents became a little nervous whenever their ten-year old boy talked about biology. They probably remembered the time when I waited five hours mid-night to watch the cicada molting and caught a tadpole at the price of falling in to the river. (I don't understand this bit, try to clarify it.)

Through my junior years, my love for biology only grew. The invasive improvements in diagnostic tests kept me excited and made me eager to make a difference . After visiting a brave and self-respecting young man, "creating artificial corneas" took up my mind(connection between the man and the cornea should be clarified.). I hurried back to my school to delve right into "research." But it appeared that I did not know how to fix the appliance (What appliance?) ,how to write down the data, how to record the needs of patients, more importantly, how to overcome the public indifference.

The perplexity endured, until one day in my art class (no fullstop) my teacher said, "Every beautiful part is useless until you connect them into a balanced ensemble." It was not only a Chinese art theory but also a life philosophy. My enthusiasm could not turn into a breakthrough because I narrowed myself into biology, just a beautiful part(Extremely confusing). I forgot to match biology with and other important parts, like maths, chemistry and social knowledge. An isolated part can not be regarded as a nice painting.

Eventually, my naive enthusiasm gradually turned into rationality. I began dabbling into other subjects and trying to discover their build-in link. Last summer, I got my first "breakthrough" by organizing a "go green" project in Beijing. I found only when statistics, psychology, environmental science and even social knowledge were combined together could I finish a seemingly simple task(Again, unclear.)

I fell in love with Swarthmore for the same reason as its wide scope of learning will give me tools to face whatever challenges I may come across . "Learning is doing" (Who are you quoting? Further develop the structure of this sentence). Swarthmore's biology department is highly supportive of student research and nearlly all the courses include a laboratory or field-based component where I will be able to design and perform my own experiments. Only this time I will not be overwhelmed like I was three years ago as I will I have the chance to combine humanities and science through numerous practice opportunities. For campus life, I will also truly display my potentials by interweaving my knowledges and cultures. I also love how Swarthmore celebrates The Mustache November as"my souls start to emerge itwill remind me of my ancestor's traditions and culture . I am also eager to learn about the multi-cultures, races and genders through The Tri-College Summer and Winter Institute. (Is the college and institute directly related to diversity or do you mean that Swarthmore has diversity? Again, unclear.)

Swarthmore cannot be separated into parts and this is proven by the fact that it combines humanity with sciences, enthusiasm with rationality. I want to create a balanced and gorgeous Swat-Chinese painting and I think that Swarthmore is the perfect place for me to achieve this dream.

I like your thoughts but you don't represent them clearly on paper. The parts that I said aren't clear, if you tried explaining what exactly you're trying to say I can help you phrase them properly. Apart from that, you're probably better off getting a teacher to mark this so it could be flawless.

Goodluck!
cvmiller39 3 / 10  
Dec 14, 2010   #4
Hey ftfn,
I have to agree with the comments directly above me. The corrections MirayPhillips made are all very good and I would recommend utilizing them. I enjoy the ideas behind your essay, but the language just needs tweaked. Thank you for your comment on my essay and let me know if you need additional help.

-Andrew


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