Hi, I'm applying to Queens Commerce for the fall of 2020, and I'm currently doing my PSE.
The essay question is:
In 300 words, or fewer, describe the impact of this experience and the greatest learning outcome for you.
Here's what I have been able to write so far. I'd appreciate if anyone could give me some feedback on where I can improve. Thanks!
Ever since the age of 5, I have been actively involved in the swimming community, whether that includes participating or giving back, through lessons to other individuals. I recall when I had to learn the basics of swimming and the importance of staying calm during incidents. It taught me self-control and it helped me build certain qualities, such as determination and perseverance. The reason for this, was because it wasn't easy to move through the swimming ranks, and sometimes I would spend months on end doing one level, just to be told that I would have to redo the entire level, because of one imperfection. As a young child at the time, it was difficult to hear that. Despite this, I kept going, eventually completing all my lessons, and ultimately acquired my lifeguard certification. Now all this took years of work, and multiple people helped me along the way, from instructors to family members, and I can't thank them enough. Therefore, when I qualified to teach others and help them go through the ranks as I had done, I took the opportunity upon myself. I volunteered at my local pool, specifically the Boys and Girls Club of Durham, where I would play pool games with groups of children, and ensured everyone was having a good time and that everyone was playing fairly, more or less, I was their 'leader'. Additionally, I led multiple swimming lessons, the same ones I had been through years ago, and I was able to give back to others, through my tips and knowledge I had gained about swimming through my previous years of experience. Ultimately, giving back to others through swimming lessons/games, was something I found very rewarding and it felt good to be able to give back the help I once received.
The essay question is:
Choose one extracurricular activity or one employment opportunity you have listed above.
In 300 words, or fewer, describe the impact of this experience and the greatest learning outcome for you.
Here's what I have been able to write so far. I'd appreciate if anyone could give me some feedback on where I can improve. Thanks!
Ever since the age of 5, I have been actively involved in the swimming community, whether that includes participating or giving back, through lessons to other individuals. I recall when I had to learn the basics of swimming and the importance of staying calm during incidents. It taught me self-control and it helped me build certain qualities, such as determination and perseverance. The reason for this, was because it wasn't easy to move through the swimming ranks, and sometimes I would spend months on end doing one level, just to be told that I would have to redo the entire level, because of one imperfection. As a young child at the time, it was difficult to hear that. Despite this, I kept going, eventually completing all my lessons, and ultimately acquired my lifeguard certification. Now all this took years of work, and multiple people helped me along the way, from instructors to family members, and I can't thank them enough. Therefore, when I qualified to teach others and help them go through the ranks as I had done, I took the opportunity upon myself. I volunteered at my local pool, specifically the Boys and Girls Club of Durham, where I would play pool games with groups of children, and ensured everyone was having a good time and that everyone was playing fairly, more or less, I was their 'leader'. Additionally, I led multiple swimming lessons, the same ones I had been through years ago, and I was able to give back to others, through my tips and knowledge I had gained about swimming through my previous years of experience. Ultimately, giving back to others through swimming lessons/games, was something I found very rewarding and it felt good to be able to give back the help I once received.
