There may be personal information that you want considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.
When I first learned how to swim I was four years old. My mother had signed me up for a class at the YMCA. At first, swimming didn't come easy to me; at the end of the class I still could not stay afloat. Nevertheless, as my instructor encouraged my mother to take me to the class again, my effort was not in vain. By the end of the second class I could honestly say that I loved swimming. Following this experience, every summer I would spend countless hours in the pool. Swimming was what made me look forward to summer every year.
My junior year of high school, I decided to try something new. Instead of just swimming for leisure, I decided to enter the world of competitive high school swimming. The first day arrived and I went on the bus feeling excited and nervous at the same time. I wanted to swim, but I was not sure of how good I would be. When we arrived to the pool I was in the last lane with the new swimmers. I didn't have a problem keeping up with the other people in my lane, and as a result my confidence was elevated. I was excited by the thought of the rest of the season. However, as the season continued I found it harder and harder to keep up with the others in my lane. It wasn't that the people around me were getting better, but that they were quitting. They had joined the team thinking that swimming would be easy, and that they would be in a more advanced lane. When that proved not to be the case, they simply quit. The team had lost six swimmers in a matter of two weeks, turning this small team into an even smaller team. As a result of losing most of my lane, I was now the slowest person on the team. It was aggravating to know that even though I was going the fastest pace that I could keep, I was not going fast enough to keep up with the other swimmers. I often fell behind in practice sets. Still, I made it of the highest priority that I always finish. Although many others had done so, it never once crossed my mind to quit. I had made a commitment by joining the team, and I was not going to back out of it. Just because I was not the best did not mean that I could not enjoy the sport. By working hard I could and did get better. By the end of the season I had taken nine seconds off my 100 meter freestyle, and I was able to keep up and even pass others in my lane. Thanks to this experience I had grown to love swimming even more.
When faced with a hard task the easiest thing to do is give up. It is easier to say, "I did not try my hardest" than say "I tried and failed". I feel that even if I try and fail, I still learn from the experience. The next time I try I will be that much closer to reaching my goal. Being on the swim team has taught me a valuable lesson about myself that I will never forget: when challenged with a hard task, I will not quit. I will try my hardest, and if that shows not to be enough, I will practice and keep trying until it is. Although everything I do may not come easy to me at first, if I try hard, and keep trying, eventually it will. I would rather experience failure one hundred times before I reached success, than to quit before I reach my aspiration.
I think it is a very well developed essay, although the topic seemed a little cliche, but it is a good essay indeed. I may suggest you to delete "I even had a birthday party at age eleven in the same YMCA I had learned to swim, seven years before. " because I don't see the relation between a birthday party and swimming.
overall, it is a great essay!
Thank you everyone for critiquing my essay. Here is what I've came up with using the comments so far. I'm not completely done yet, but it does sound a lot better. If anyone has any comments to write about this revised essay, feel free to do so. Thank you.
Look for ways to express the same point in fewer words:
When I first learned how to swim I was four years old, my mother had signed me up for a swimming class at the YMCA.
By the time I am finishing that first paragraph, my mind is saying, "Okay, so she liked to swim, big deal." and also... "Can she even remember this stuff frm when she was four years old?"
Now THIS is a god beginning for an essay:
During my junior year of high school, I decided to try something new.
This whole paragraph is excellent, with lots of interesting action and reflection, and ven some tension you create by saying you did not know how good you would be.
Okay, so I suggest chopping off that first para to make room for some more elaboration at the end -- what does this experience have to do with your chosen academic program or your future as you envision it?
:-)
Since this is part of your application as the topic suggests, you may be facing some stiff competition in the hardships/challenges department... especially since it's in a pool, at swimming class.
I'm not saying swimming is easy (I learnt to swim after the instructor knocked my fat butt into the deep end, and I swam all the way to other end, bawling my eyes out for the whole 20 meters).
Nor am I saying that we should focus on pity points.
I'm just wondering if perhaps there are bigger challenges or hardships you may have had to face in your life that you could use for this.
