"Table No. 4: 1 Langoustine Ceviche & 2 medium-rare veal filets" extracurricular activities essay

can someone review my extracurricular activities essay

"Table No. 4: 1 Langoustine Ceviche & 2 medium-rare veal filets"
"YES CHEF!"
Allowing myself to delve into the real-world chef's experience, my internship in the various kitchens of the 5 star La Pirogue Resort was by far the most extraordinary. In an environment exploding with mingling flavors, passion and precision, all while in collaboration with one of the most incredible Brigade de Cuisine led by Executive Chef Murday, my internship had not only taught me so much about the culinary world; it gave me insight into the way of life of a chef.

Till midnight late night preparation, long hours standing on my feet and mundane vegetable cutting tasks were particularly exhausting, but plating the final dish and watching it being relished by the customers make all the strenuous efforts worthwhile at the end of the day.

@kervin
It seems the word limit of essay is around 100-150 words. The way you started the essay is not that attention grabbing. It's good that you are trying to show through anecdotes but I feel you can do much better and start with more attractive lines. your second para is absolutely fine. Just a little advice don't try to show off with fancy or big names of restaurants rather use that space to show your feelings at that place. And of course your concluding para sounds clichéd a bit because it ends too quick. i guess that might be due to word limit but I want you to try drafting this essay a bit more differently because you are a good writer. Just keep in mind the suggestions and you'll be fine.

Hi Kevin. I have to explain something to you. An internship cannot be considered an extra curricular activity because the definition of an internship is "an opportunity offered by an employer to potential employees, called interns, to work at a firm for a fixed, limited period of time. Interns are usually undergraduates or students, and most internships last for any length of time between one week and 12 months." While an extra curricular activity is something that is done "outside the normal routine, especially that provided by a job or marriage." So what you are describing is not an extra curricular activity. Is an internship experience. Never confuse the two activities. Unless, your prompt requires you to discuss an extra curricular activity related to your major or potential major? Can you please provide the complete prompt you are trying to respond to so that we can offer you more guidance in developing this paper? Thanks.

PS - please provide us with a copy of the complete prompt. Don't just tell me that work experience is included in the prompt. I can't properly assess your essay if I do not know what it is supposed to contain and reflect. The prompt will be my guide in deciding how to best help you improve your statement. At this point, it may look alright to me but that is because I don't have any instructions to base your essay content on. Just because you might be satisfied with what you have written, doesn't mean that it is prompt responsive, adequate enough, or applicable to the prompt. I am more than willing to help you review your essay for compliance with the prompt. I just need to know what the full prompt requirements are. I hope you will opt to post the full prompt for our reference soon. Just as we are excited to assist you in finalizing this statement for the prompt.

@Holt. Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences. (150 word limit)
Thanks for reviewing my essay.

Thanks Kevin. I decided to reformat your essay for you in order to make it more interesting to the reader. I will omit presenting portions that are not really necessary to the prompt. Such as the instruction for table no. 4 and the response to the command. That is just a filler, a complete statement will work more to your advantage than trying to reel the reviewer in with a shouting statement. It is shouting because your response ends in an exclamation point. That is never acceptable in a formal essay.

My year long internship at the 5-Star La Pirogue Resort was the most eye opening experience that I have had in my quest for culinary excellence. Working under Executive Chef Murday as part of his Brigade de Cuisine opened my eyes to the joy that comes from working in the culinary world and the exhaustion that also comes with it. This was the year that i gained an insight into the ups and downs of a chef's life, and I still decided that I would continue to pursue my dream.

From the late night preparations to the long hours on my feet as a sous chef, I came to understand the demands that high cuisine cooking places on its practitioners. However, plating that perfect dish being relished by the clients of the restaurant made all of the efforts and lack of rest worth it at the end of the day.

This is exactly 150 words and better represents the work that you did during that time. Please consider it a suggestion for how to improve your essay or, use this as your response instead. I am giving you permission to do so if you wish to do that.

@Holt
Thank you very much holt, I really loved your version. If there's anything I could do for u, please do let me know.