- Its due in no less than 16 hours so I figured I have you guys give me some input. Thank you in advance
It is fair to say that most of us take what we have for granted. I admit that I too have been guilty of the same. This is likely because it has taken time for me to acclimate and mature into the person I see in the mirror today. The origin of this maturity is the same as the drive I have come to posses, my heritage.
Several years ago, the grandparents that were responsible for my upbringing had passed away. This was a devastating loss I feel to this days. At the time, I have not seen my grandparents in quite some time and did not speak to them as much as I would have liked to. I felt that I was falling and there was no one to catch me. I was unable to deal with their passing for an extended period of time until I came to an understanding of what was to be done..
Realizing my family has overcome hardship and adversity since the early 1900s was the key to what had to be done. My grandfather shared on pair of shoes with 12 of his siblings as they were growing up in freezing winters of what used to be known as The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. He did not let this stop him from became an engineer who is single handedly responsible for some of the largest developments in Moscow, Russia. My father came to the United States with a small sum of money and endured homelessness so he could someday bring me to the country of endless opportunity in hopes that I would be able to utilize the liberties and freedoms to prosper .
I have never forgotten this and have worked hard to repay the debt to my family. Holding a job since the age of sixteen and obtaining a full-time position immediately after my high school graduation. I was driven by the sacrifices my parents and grandparents have made.. But, as I became acclimated to the inner workings of the country I can now call home, it was more and more operant that a lack of education was a likely dead end.
I enrolled in Orange Coast College and struggled to find time and energy between a full time job and my newly acquired endevour. My grades were mediocre and the progress was slow. It was at a dead end; on one hand I had a duty to support my parents start a new life and on the other I needed to continue my education without which I would likely find myself to be average at best.
Fueled by the determination, I sought an employment opportunity that would allow me to provide the same support as before in conjunction with consideration for me as a student. After a prolonged search, a perfect job opportunity opened allowing me concentrate on my education With the new position, the opportunity to become a full-time student was no longer a dream and the grades drastically increased, eventhough, I continued to work in excess of 40 hours a week.
I spent the first half of my life in a country which is commonly known to be responsibility for the Cold War, vodka and caviar. Growing up, I spent several nights falling asleep to the tune machine gun fire and the bedtime story of a tank shelling a building only a few blocks away. My family has overcome adversity and so far has not been stopped. I can only say that I will not be one to give up and ever take anything I have granted.
Word Count: 600 ( It just came out that way)
Greetings!
You have written a great essay! I'll be happy to do some proofing and editing for you:
"Several years ago, the grandparents that were responsible for my upbringing had passed away. This was a devastating loss I feel to this days."
I'll be that "s" on the end of "days" is a typo!
"At the time, I have not seen my grandparents in quite some time and did not speak to them as much as I would have liked to."
I think you've used "time" too often. How about "When they died, I . . . " instead of "At the time."
Also, you probably meant "I had not seen" rather than "I have not seen."
"I was unable to deal with their passing for an extended period of time until I came to an understanding of what was to be done.."
You've got two periods here. Bad typos!
My grandfather shared on pair of shoes with 12 of his siblings as they were growing up in freezing winters of what used to be known as The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics."
"One pair of shoes," not "on pair," right? I would spell out "twelve" and add "the" between "growing up in" and "freezing." And, wow, I can't imagine how they survived! What incredible determination they must have had!
"He did not let this stop him from became an engineer who is single handedly responsible for some of the largest developments in Moscow, Russia."
"Single-handedly" needs to be hypenated.
"My father came to the United States with a small sum of money and endured homelessness so he could someday bring me to the country of endless opportunity in hopes that I would be able to utilize the liberties and freedoms to prosper ."
It might be better to say, " . . . in hopes that I would prosper under its liberty and freedom." Or something like that. Also, you've typoed an extra space before the final period.
"Holding a job since the age of sixteen and obtaining a full-time position immediately after my high school graduation."
This is an incomplete sentence. How about "I have held a job since the age of sixteen and obtained a full-time position . . . " instead?
"I was driven by the sacrifices my parents and grandparents have made.. But, as I became acclimated to the inner workings of the country I can now call home, it was more and more operant that a lack of education was a likely dead end."
You've got an extra period in there. Also, you can eliminate "can" from the phrase "I can now call home." And I think you mean "apparent" rather than "operant." I would end the sentence with something like ". . . more and more apparent that my lack of education would lead to a dead end in the job market."
"I enrolled in Orange Coast College and struggled to find time and energy between a full time job and my newly acquired endevour."
How about this: "I enrolled in Orange Coast College, where I struggled with the demands on my time and energy as I tried to find a balance between a full-time job and my new academic endeavors." Note that I hypenated "full-time" and changed the spelling of "endeavors."
"It was at a dead end; on one hand I had a duty to support my parents start a new life and on the other I needed to continue my education without which I would likely find myself to be average at best."
You probably meant to say either "It was a dead end" or "I was at a dead end." And you probably didn't mean to say ". . . duty to support my parents start a new life . . ." That looks like either a cut-and-paste accident or a revision that didn't quite get completed. Either way, you need commas after "new life" and "my education."
Fueled by the determination, I sought an employment opportunity that would allow me to provide the same support as before in conjunction with consideration for me as a student."
A couple of things here to make your meaning more clear: take out "the" before "determination," and change "me" to "myself."
"After a prolonged search, a perfect job opportunity opened allowing me concentrate on my education"
Insert "up" after "opened", then add a comma. And I think your final period got lost somewhere.
"With the new position, the opportunity to become a full-time student was no longer a dream and the grades drastically increased, eventhough, I continued to work in excess of 40 hours a week."
May I suggest: "With the new position, the opportunity to become a full-time student changed from a dream to reality. My grades increased drastically, even though I continued . . . "
"I spent the first half of my life in a country which is commonly known to be responsibility for the Cold War, vodka and caviar."
Replace "responsibility" with "responsible for." I like the touch of humor!
"Growing up, I spent several nights falling asleep to the tune machine gun fire and the bedtime story of a tank shelling a building only a few blocks away."
Insert "of" between "tune" and "machine gun." What an ordeal--I'm so glad you're here now!
"I can only say that I will not be one to give up and ever take anything I have granted."
I suggest inserting a comma after "give up," and then saying, "and I will never take anything I have for granted." Note that I inserted the word "for."
It's amazing what you and your family have endured, and inspiring that you have come through it so well. I truly wish the best for all of you, and I hope your educational and career dreams will continue to come true!
Best wishes,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
I was quite careless in proof reading this. I swear I used apparent but my spellcheck is on the fritz. I read somewhere that your hardship does not give you a heads up why applying and I am almost concerned that this may come off almost exadurated and poor attempt to get a heads up...even though its all true
thank you for all your help
- Michael
Well, Michael, you can't do more than tell the truth, in my opinion. If that's what happened, then that's what you should write about. It doesn't sound to me like you are asking for special favors--just telling your story. I advise getting some other people to read your essay and tell you what they think.
Don't worry about the proofing--that's why you posted, right? I know I picked at a lot of stuff; I've been told I was born with a red pencil in my hand, so I can't help myself! Everyone's first (and probably second and third) drafts are rough, so don't sweat it. Your story is compelling, and you can fix all that small stuff easily.
And BTW--you're welcome! Glad to help.
Sarah
I can say that it lacks depth, I feel that I need to display what I have learned but I have no space I dont know what I can take out withut leaving a gap
Hey, Michael--
Lacking in depth? After what you have experienced? Surely not!
Do you have academic accomplishments or extracurricular activities you want to include? If so, you'll have to figure out a way to condense your family information. If you don't have any of those, then I'd say it's fine the way it is.
I wish you had more time before you have to turn this in. Sometimes walking away from a project for a day or two, and then rereading it with fresh eyes is useful. But in this case, you may just need to be satisfied with things the way they are (I realize that may be difficult for someone as determined as you are!). Remember, we are always our own worse critics, so cut yourself a little slack. You have a moving, well-stated essay here that highlights some very admireable elements of your character, so trust yourself.
Good luck, and try to relax!
Sarah, EssayForum.com
