Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 6


TAMK UAS - I want to become an Energy & Environmental


ntlinh 2 / 6 1  
Jan 28, 2016   #1
Dear, here is my brother motivation letter to apply the Bachelor in Energy and Environmental Engineering, as part of requirement together with entrance exam. In the letter, he should include following information:

Why you are applying to degree programme in Energy and Environmental Engineering?
Do you have previous experience from this field?
What is your educational background?
Have you taken any English language test, evaluate your English skills informally.


Please help me and him to check it, Any correction and suggestion are welcome!

When I was small, I have been interested in natural phenomenon such as electricity origin, desertification or environmental pollution. My teacher once suggested me to learn engineering. However, since I thought engineering is all about fixing machines, I did not want to come any further.

Begin a new life as a high school student, my mother always asked me about what subject I like to study in university or what job I like to do in future career. One day I unexpectedly slipped I page of newspaper and read that a farmer invented a new source of energy from sesame. People complimented him on the first page but it seems no further action was taken. I asked my mother the reason why they did not bring this achievement into industrial production. She joked:"This must be done by young generation engineer like you." Maybe that time she only joked but a thought appeared in my mind:"WHY NOT?"

I started to study about what an engineer do in environmental industry. I found that being an environmental engineer, I would be able to construct project for developing new sources for renewable energy, as well as carry out environmental sampling and analysis. Thus, I decided to take Energy and Environmental Engineering as my future career.

For quite a time I have been searching for universities and have found that Finland is the place where my dream will be carried out. Finland is one the leading users of renewable energy in EU and in the near future this area will continue to grow as a global industrial sector.

I am not only going to Finland for studying, but also to achieve advanced knowledge and skills for working towards my personal career goals and international training experience. By applying to Tampere UAS, I will have an opportunity to study in multicultural and multilanguage environment with high modern system university. Furthermore, I will also have a chance to gain a double degree in Germany with good academic performance. With the IELTS 6.5 achieved in summer 2015, I have been well prepared to attend the entrance examination in April 2016, to prove that I have passion and ability to become one of Tampere students.

In a nutshell, all the above reasons lead to the fact that I am eager to join in Tampere UAS. It will provide me with a solid start in life to reach the final frontier of becoming a Environmental Engineer.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 28, 2016   #2
In every sentence keep the verb tense the same. In some sentences it is okay to use two tenses, but while you practice you can keep them the same.

When I was small, I have was interested in natural phenomenon phenomena such as the origin of electricity, desertification or environmental pollution. My teacher once suggested me that I should learn engineering. However, since I thought engineering is was...

Begin When I was beginning a new life as a high school student, my mother always asked me about what subjects I liked to study in university or what jobs I like wanted to do in my future career.

One day I unexpectedly slipped I one page of a newspaper and read that a farmer invented a new source of energy from sesame.

Here is a good example of what I mentioned above. The way you used two different verb tenses really is not incorrect, but if you keep verb tenses the same your sentences will have a nice style of writing.

People complimented him on the first page but it seems seemed no further action was taken.

I asked my mother the reason why they did not bring this achievement into industrial production. --- This is a great sentence.

I am not only going to Finland for -- This is another great sentence.

It will provide me with a solid start in life to so I will be able to reach the final frontier of becoming a Environmental Engineer.--- That's not the final frontier; it's the beginning! Good luck in college. : )
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Jan 28, 2016   #3
Please tell your brother not to start the essay from his childhood. Reviewers have already repeated time and again that they want to hear realistic information about the development of an interest. They do not, for any reason believe that a child will develop an interest in such a complex field that he cannot even pronounce properly at his age. It is best to start the story at the high school level, from the moment he saw the newspaper clipping.

His prior education in high school or in relation to his chosen major is not clearly developed in the essay. I also noticed that he did not respond to the "experience" section of the prompt. If he does not have any work or internship experience in this field then he has to explain why that is so and how he plans to fix that problem leading up to his admission in this major at that university.

More importantly,while he has submitted information about his IELTS test, he did not give a clear evaluation of his English language abilities. He has to evaluate his reading, listening, and writing abilities on an informal tone. So if he can explain that he can carry on a simple English conversation, understand his text books written in English, and write coherent essays, he will have responded to the prompt. A nice touch would be for him to explain how he continues to develop his English language skills even after having taken and passing the IELTS. He has to prove that he is doing what it takes to learn the language that will be used in teaching his classes.

This letter cannot be submitted to the admissions team at all. He has to revise the content to better reflect the prompt requirements. He wrote a personal statement without considering the questions that he is expected to respond to. So the letter falls short on delivering the necessary and expected information to the reviewer.
zestfervour 1 / 2 1  
Jan 29, 2016   #4
I'm new here so please take my advice with a pinch of salt.
Also, I'm not sure whether this is allowed, but I have re-written the first three paragraphs.

When I was young, I was interested in natural phenomena such as origin of electricity, desertification or environmental pollution. Once, my teacher suggested me to pursue engineering. However, since I perceived engineering as an art of fixing machines, I never thought any further about it.

When I began a new life as a high school student, my mother always inquired about the subjects I like and career I would like to pursue. One day, I unexpectedly slipped a page of newspaper and read about a farmer who invented a new source of energy from sesame. Although people applauded him for his efforts, there seemed to no further interest in such a ground-breaking innovation. I discussed with my mother about applying such innovations in industrial production. She joked "May be this will be done by people of young generation like you". Though she only joked, a thought appeared in my mind "WHY NOT?"

Soon enough I began to study about the contribution of engineers in environmental industry. I found that as an environmental engineer I would be able to construct project for developing new sources for renewable energy as well as carry out environmental sampling and analysis. Thus, I decided to take Energy and Environmental Engineering as my future career.

Note: I completely agree with vangiespen about the IELTS and being young part.
OP ntlinh 2 / 6 1  
Jan 29, 2016   #5
Dear EF_Kevin and Vangiespen,

Thank you so much for your correction. I have rewrite the letter based on your suggestion. Please help me to take a look at this. This is still a draft, not final one.

When I was beginning a new life as a high school student, my mother always asked me about what subject I like to study or what job I wanted to do in my future career. One day I unexpectedly slipped one page of newspaper and read that a farmer invented a new source of energy from sesame. People complimented him on the first page but it seemed no further action was taken. I asked my mother the reason why they did not bring this achievement into industrial production. She said: "This must be done by young generation engineer like you." Maybe that time she only joked but a thought appeared in my mind: "WHY NOT?"

I started to study about what an engineer do in environmental industry. I found that being an environmental engineer, I would be able to construct project for developing new sources for renewable energy, as well as carry out environmental sampling and analysis. Thus, I decided to take Energy and Environmental Engineering as my future career.

For quite a time I have been searching for universities and have found that Finland is the place where my dream will be carried out. Finland is one the leading users of renewable energy in EU and in the near future this area will continue to grow as a global industrial sector.

After deciding to go to Finland, I made a plan what I needed to do in high school for preparing before university. First is learning English. Six years studied in International schools had given me a better foundation in English, however, I still found difficulties to speak confidential in front of foreigners. I then asked my mother to help me by letting me accompany her in some business trips with her customer to practice my speaking in daily conversation. I started to watch all English movie and read English newspaper. It was not easy task at the beginning since not all the actors were from England or USA. I also watched Discovery and National Geography Channel to improve my vocabulary in Engineering and Environmental for future study.

During practicing English, I also made a plan for Math and Physic studying. I registered for Natural Science category in High School and passed the entrance exam to go to the "Physic with Advance English" class. Side by side taking the extra-class after school, I joined in different industrial trips in hydroelectric power plant and thermal power station to go inside the structure and operation process for my coursework projects. What I had learned was not much, but it was given me a clearer sight what I will study and made me eager to experience the working environment during university.

My hardworking have been partially rewarded, I have achieved IELTS 6.5 in summer 2015. "Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying!" This result is just a beginning. English is a global language and an essential tool to bring me to the world and I will continue to study, not only for the entrance exam but for my future knowledge, despite where I will study. I am now able to confidentially say that I have been well prepared to prove that I have passion and ability to become one of Tampere students.

I am not only going to Finland for studying, but also to achieve advanced knowledge and skills for working towards my personal career goals and international training experience. By applying to Tampere UAS, I will have an opportunity to study in multicultural and multilanguage environment with high modern system university. Furthermore, I will also have a chance to gain a double degree in Germany with good academic performance.

In a nutshell, all the above reasons lead to the fact that I am eager to join in Tampere UAS. It will provide me with a solid start in life so I will be able to make a first step in the way of becoming an Environmental Engineer.


Thank you again.

Tuan Tran
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Jan 29, 2016   #6
The essay still lacks focus, direction and a clear message that would properly address the various prompt questions. Let me take the information that you have here at the moment and show you a template of how the essay should progress. There is just too much information clutter in this current version.

When I first started high school, I was just like any other student who was unsure about what his future career would be. that was until I came across a news article about a farmer from my country who had invented an alternative power source coming from Sesame Oil. As I read the article, I found myself engrossed in his discovery and the process by which he developed it. Towards the end though, it seemed like his work was not going farther than it already had. I wondered aloud to my mother regarding the fact that the industrial benefits of the power source were not being addressed, she told me "That is the job of the future engineers. Maybe you would like to be the one to develop that technology further." I know that she was probably saying that in jest, yet my reaction to it was a serious "Why not?".

So as part of my future college preparations I I registered for the Natural Science category in High School and passed the entrance exam to go to the "Physics with Advance English" class. I also joined in different industrial trips in hydroelectric power plant and thermal power station to go inside the structure and operation process for my coursework projects. What I had learned was not much, but it was given me a clearer sight what I will study and made me eager to experience the working environment during university.

Having studied English for the past 6 years, I challenged myself to take the IELTS test as a part of my preparations for studying overseas. I passed the IELTS with a score of 6.5 in the summer of 2015. Something that I would not have been able to do if I had not immersed myself in the world of English shows, newspapers, and internet websites. I lived, breathed, and embodied the English language in order to ensure that I would successfully pass the test. Now, I am more confident than ever that my English language skills are of an advanced skill set that will allow me to accomplish my goal of attending an English speaking college abroad.


Use the template above to build upon your essay. Make sure that you add more information where necessary and develop any parts that are still lacking. I believe you need to develop the educational and work experience a little bit more.


Home / Undergraduate / TAMK UAS - I want to become an Energy & Environmental
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳