any criticism is appreciated. only thing missing is conclusion which i am working on.
When I received my U.S. visa I had been very excited. Still a little girl, I knew my life would change tremendously. I would be leaving behind everything I knew- my friends, my family, my community- for a new life in a new country. I was certain of the environmental changes but what I hadn't expected was the change that would originate in me because of this experience.
Upon stepping off the plane I was mesmerized by the landscape, the atmosphere, and the people. The hot humid air I had grown accustomed to in Brazil was replaced by the cool autumn breeze. Small buildings and small houses were replaced by skyscrapers and houses that to me seemed like mansions.
Time went by and eventually I had to enroll in school and begin eighth grade. On the first day of school I was greeted by my new classmates who were all very excited to meet me. But eventually they were uninterested considering I couldn't speak English and all their curious questions went unanswered. I remember sitting in English class trying my best on a spelling quiz even though my efforts were in vain. How frustrating it was to not be able to communicate with my classmates. The hopelessness I felt was incomparable to nothing I had felt before. It seemed as though I would never be able to learn English. But I kept pushing through because that was all I could do. Slowly day by day- and with lots of effort- I started learning the English language and eventually it seemed like things would be okay.
A few months later came the day I thought would never come: graduation day. After the ceremony, it dawned upon me that I had achieved something. While people congratulated me tears ran down my face uncontrollably. A cry had come from inside of me- a cry that could not be contained. The people around me couldn't understand why. For the first time in my life I felt the taste of victory. After months of endless determination I managed to learn English and graduate middle school.
I wish if you gave us the prompt to give more appropriate comments. :)
When I received my U.S. visa I had been very excited.
I still remember the excitement of the moment when they informed that my US visa was through.Still a little girl, I knew my life would change tremendously.
Though I was pretty young, I knew my life would going to change soon.Is there any particular word count?
I like your essay even though you haven't given the prompt which would have been useful. Here are a few suggestions.
Still a little girl, I knew my life would change tremendously.
I think it would sound better like this.
I was a little girl at the time, and i knew my life is about to change forever.
Time went by and eventually I had to enroll in school and begin eighth grade.
As time passed by I enrolled in a school and began my eighth grade education.
the prompt is "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." the word count is 250-500 words. currently i have 350 words. i'm a little bit worried that i'm off topic but i think i can pull it together with my conclusion
This essay is very heavy on fact. I've seen this prompt a million times, and the key mistake here is the same as most other students make.
You don't say enough about the personal impact of earning your visa.
Most of the stuff about Brazil, the weather, airplanes, etcetera have little or nothing to do with what you need to be saying. Get rid of it and you'll have no problem shortening this thing up.
I would also avoid using eventually three times in the same paragraph - that kind of strikes my eye...
