'Tawakkul Karman, a Yemeni journalist' - UT, something of importance to you

this an essay for UT Austin Admission and the prompt is: Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

i wrote my essay today, i feel shaky about it, can you read it please and give me feedback please!
I Appreciate Your Time and Work ! Thankyou in advance !
My Eassy Is:

The 2011 Nobel peace prize was co-awarded to Tawakkul Karman, a Yemeni journalist, politician and human rights activist. Tawakkul was the first Arabic woman to receive a Nobel peace prize, as well the youngest. She is internationally recognized as the public face of the 2011 Yemini uprising, along with a long history of a non-violent struggle for the safety of women and for women's rights and full participation in peace-building in Yemen and in the Arab world. As ambitious as she is, she reflected hope and strength for all the Arab women living within the boundaries of oppression and political corruption of the long standing Arab rulers.

As an activist, she struggled against the Yemeni government to make human rights movements in order to promote freedom of opinion, expression, and democratic rights not caring about the threats and temptations she received from the higher authorities. Every time I hear about her and her achievements, my heart pounds with pride, as I immigrated to the United States from the middle-eastern ancestry of Jordan, and to see such a change and commitment, aspires me and all the Arab community across the globe, that women rights aren't over yet, they are just starting. And as I live here in the United States, my freedom and liberty taken for granted, other women are struggling to gain their natural freedom, that once got stolen and never gotten back.

Tawakkul Karman is just the start for a bigger change that will trigger all the oppressed women across the globe to do something bigger and fight for their freedom. My family once immigrated to the United States saw the opportunity of freedom and women rights glimmering, something we didn't see much of. Sometimes when I sit back and think of home, I remember women and the train of thoughts takes me away, when is it going to change? And now I saw the pedal that got the wheel to spinning, Tawakkul Karman. This is not just for the oppressed individuals, but it is for my generation as well. my generation in middle east, with all the people yet waking up to the hypocrisy played against them, will know that the dream of freedom isn't far away, like a dreamy vision of the future, and that it's all in their hands, to act or not to act.

As soon as Tawakkul Karman was awarded the prize, she donated the money for Yemen people, not her country, the local people. In her earlier stages, when she was just at the national level activism, she received countless threats against her, yet she feared nothing. Although she knew that the Yemen Government would be willing to pay her in any form as to stop opening the public's eyes. She knew that she could have it, the money, the perfect life, and all her hidden dreams, yet what were her dreams? Her dreams where the change, to see the women's rights inscribed into reality, not just on paper and witness that with her soul.

Meanwhile, as we are living in liberty and granted our pursuit of Happiness, other nations across the world are in the stages of painting the dream, the freedom of women and liberty. Tawakkul Karman showed them that it can happen and will happen. Moreover, she showed not only them, but the world as well, how someone can care for not just a personal change or upgrade, but an historical one, as she threw life delusions that she was offered and continued to seek the ongoing change, Gandhi once said "we must become the change we want to see in the world". Today, as Tawakkul Karman was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, the world was awarded by her never ending Nile of inspiration and ambition.

Any Feedback is Appreciated in Advence!n

The issue chosen is good and well written...and I particularly like the phrase '...nile of inspiratioon and ambition'
But I feel you need to make the essay a lot more personal...anybody could google about the personality and write an essay...but to make it better you need to personalise by starting with an introduction saying how you got to know about this personality...maybe something like

I was casually flipping through the pages of the newspaper when I saw an image of woman who held the nobel prize medal high. The title along with it that said ***********************....etc etc So something like that would help..!!!nyway best of luck..!!

any help please ?

I like the fact that you chose to write about this, and I have a few suggestions for making this better : talk about how Kerman's attributes inspire you to work now that you understand you have a greater chance of gaining acclaim. What about her is similar to you? is is the determination to succeed? The ability to initiate change? Describe by showing : show by examples how you are affected or are similar to her. Maybe you should start with an introduction that speaks about an incident where you felt limited as a woman, or felt that you were not afraid and then link that to how you feel about Kerman.Do not write her history, instead use every detail prudently and with purpose to show how that relates to you. In the introduction I think it would be very effective if you end with a goal or dream and how you have more hope of attaining it now that the world recognizes the efforts of young women. Hope this was helpful!

Marah this has improved a lot! You should be proud of the effort you put into this. Now it has become more personal and sincere. I would just say that you need to incorporate all have said into the last two paragraphs - as in make them about you. Talk about how you want to be part of the change - talk about how you will resist giving up your own dreams and be specific what they are.

Beautiful ! Yoy have managed to make this about you. It just has some grammatical mistakes like "My family once immigrated to the United States from Jordan saw the opportunity of freedom and women rights glimmering, something we didn't see much of" it should be something like After my family emigrated to the united states, we saw freedom and women's right glimmering for the first time.

For the next sentence I would suggest something like :When I used to think about home, I would be lost in despration."when is it going to end?"

"kerman is the start for a bigger" should be greater

My generation in Middle East, with all the people yet waking up to the hypocrisy played against them, will know that the dream of freedom isn't far away, like a dreamy vision of the future, and that it's all in their hands, to act or not to act.

remove with all the people... since it makes this sentence very wordy. maybe you can add it as a sentence on its own. remove to act or not to act.